Dizzy up the girl...

Ever heard of the song Sympathy by The Goo Goo Dolls? Let's look at the lyrics...

Stranger than your sympathy
This is my apology
I'm killing myself from the inside out
And all my fears have pushed you out

I wish for things that I don't need
All I wanted
And what I chase won't set me free
All I wanted
And I get scared but I'm not crawling on my knees

Oh yeah everything's all wrong yeah
Everything's all wrong yeah
Where the hell did I think I was?

Stranger than your sympathy
I take these things so I don't feel
I'm killing myself from the inside out
Now my head's been filled with doubt

It's hard to lead the life you choose
All I wanted
When all your luck's run out on you
All I wanted
You can't see when all your dreams are coming true

Oh yeah it's easy to forget yeah
You choke on the regrets yeah
Who the hell did I think I was

Stranger than your sympathy
All these thoughts you stole from me
I'm not sure where I belong
Nowhere's home and I'm all wrong

And I wasn't all the things
I tried to make believe I was
And I wouldn't be the one to kneel
Before the dreams I wanted
And all the talk and all the lies
Were all the empty things disguised as me
Yeah stranger than your sympathy stranger than your sympathy.

Well i was writing a apology to some one i had no clue i offended and they will remain anonymous and this song is perfect for them. A little bit of this song and the song Black Balloon by the same artist would be a perfect mix of both lyrics to describe this relationship we uniquely have... Its funny because i am rough and blunt and rather upfront. Also at the same time deep inside, and not many know i kind of think a lot day to day of my actions and people who i hang around with and who i choose as my friends. I might seem as i don't but the truth is i do. Also a lot of things i say and do is not what i think about deep inside. Its more of a defense i have gotten accustom to or have grown, so people cannot bust into my fortress and take me down. I have learned, "show your true self and let the wolves in for the feeding". So i must be smacked by my true friends time to time and told what were you thinking or reality smacked i guess. I don't know anymore honestly. Its like the lyrics say, my head has been filled with doubt but I'm filling my life with things i don't need. Well i hope this person gets the point of this part of the blog.

Well besides my apology, this past weekend was good, and then again it was also rather a mind filling situation. Let me try to explain this further. So i had a blast, danced, drank like a champ to the point i was not sober at all, had girls all over me at the bar. Met random people who's numbers i look at now in my phone and think i will never call them. Had a bartender offer to take me back to her house. Had the most wildest time in a long time, but i don't feel accomplished. I don't know why. I mean yea any guy would be like, Shit yea it was insane, but not me. It used to bring a lasting smile to my face way back when, but now its like "oh it was fun". I don't know to blame this on age, maturity, woman in my life, my self, or other things i don't know of... It makes me dizzy thinking about all this stuff... Good god i would just like to feel satisfied and contempt with things already... Why must things be so complicated. Stupid asexual cell's they have it too easy! We have it the worst!

catch up time...

so no bullshit it was a long ass time ago i wrote a blog... Yes i know i have not kept this up but since, facebook came around and I've been busy with life and other bullshit i could not write. Also i was offending people writing shit down, mind you i didn't give any names or anything but still people knew who i was talking about and other bullshit... w/e fuck them i say... So i was going to the gym and still am... Just not as intense and as often, it was 5 days a week hard core down to 2 or 3 days a week i go now... Too much stress and bullshit at the moment for me to do everything at once... So yea it was a long and i do mean long summer.... It felt as if it would never end for me... Both good and bad... I would say i hated some of it and loved most of it... So yea w/e... Now i find my self in the stock market and doing that and hanging out and trying to make since of life at the moment. I am like at a point of i don't know if its denial or confusion or just out in a rather viscous loop... I am not sure.. I know i am in one stuck point in my life... Epic fail as some people would say. I need to do something about this crap and fast... So sick of just not moving... I don't know what, who, or how i got this way but change must happen fast!

Should i be like Eminem? I just don't give a F

Well right now its officially June... But i woke up nice an early on the last day of May at 5ish... i told people i woke up at 8 or 9 so they won't think I'm nuts getting up at 5 A.M. on a sat morning but i did... I had a good long time to think about stuff before i had to go back to my room and close the door so my dad would think i was still asleep and he would not bug me... I got up and had a seat out side on my porch and looked East and watched the sun rise in the distance... I like sun rise's Btw because it lets me think... Think of new idea's, new goles in my life... New things to come... A sunrise is like a brand new beginning... So i gave a real long good thought... Should i be like Eminem... Yea you are reading this right... Slim shady, Eminem, Marshal Mathers, W/e the fuck you wanna call him... Why him... Well because he dose not give a flying fuck about no one or anything... See this comes from thinking a lot... Why is my life so much in a shit hole right now? Why has all that was so perfect and getting on track gone all to hell? Why did (Some one who's name i will Leave Out but i should say) drop off the face of the earth like they died or didn't exist or was a figment of my imagination? Why the fuck can't i ever move 3 steps forward and stay in that spot and not get Smacked, Kicked, Hit, Stupid Slapped, Abused or W/e the fuck back to only one step ahead? Well that's only because, I Give A Fuck... But guess what... I was thinking i should not... I should not give a Fuck about anyone or anything... Be cold as ice or perma-frost... Be heart-less like love-less... Any of the above... People have always been able to walk all over me... Take advantage of my kindness... Take me for a fucking fool... Use me for what i can give... Trick me into thinking things... Make me think "oh they are here for me, so i should be there for them too"... Well fuck you! I Am so sick of being a fool... I am fucking sick and fucking tired of bullshit non-sence people who dont give 3 flying fuck-son-of-a-bitch-cunt-licking-asshole-dick-liking-twat-of-a-dirty-slut-monkey-shit-bitches-ho's... That is what i think... You know what... I need a real good reason to change my fucking mind at this point to not freeze my heart and don't give a fuck like eminem and go back to actually giving a flying fuck about anyone... If being a asshole is the only fucking way i can get ahead and stay in that spot then i got to do, what i got to do... Fuck the rest... I am sick of the push around.... I am sick of feeling like shit and taking it personal, i am sick of making my self feel bad and wasting my brain power thinking over shit when Alzheimer's is going to eat my brain anyways.. i should use my pleasures of my brain for something else than my worries and stupid thoughts about fuck-son-of-a-bitch-cunt-licking-asshole-dick-liking-twat-of-a-dirty-slut-monkey-shit-bitches-ho's.... Give me a reason not to change a remain how i am.. if not... i am giving this 110% thought and i just might change forever and no return back!!!

LILMAN X

Lost of knowing what i did

Well the month of May so far is like a Whirlpool that sucked me into a unknown world... April was no better because i just don't know anymore what is going on in my life i guess you could say... the damnedest thing is that i was so happy with everything too before like mid April i would say... everything was the best it has ever been in my life. The year started off wonderful and perfect, then i had some drama and issues with my health and a lot of other bad shit happened but i haven't complained at all because i always talk about all the shit and bla bla bla but i never did. why because i was happy. i had it all i guess you could say. i had a girl who loved me ( i think ) and was by my side and just about supported me in every aspect. my friends were fine and i didn't have to go rescue anyone or any other bullshit or drama which every one knows always is an issue in my life but even that had no problem in my life... now... I feel as i am lost, or are in another world or just in an odd place. it all was fine and from one week to the next... poof i guess you could say all the shit blew up in my face and changed. its all changed for the bad. so i don't know if its something i did, or it just something that was building up to change on me or i don't even know what to think anymore... W/e I just feel lost... Pissed off and sad and upset and emotional and angry and something i just cant describe all into one emotion... i have no words. i have no thoughts. The worst part about loosing your mind in the matter of a way is.... I CAN'T DO SHIT ABOUT IT!!!... AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

LILMAN X

God please...

Look i know i dont pray, i know i dont go to cherch or any of that, but god please. I don't want to loose her, i love her with all my heart, i lover her soo much i cant stand the idea with out her being in my life as my love my girl friend, some one that with me thought thick and thin. i dont want any one to have the same connection i have with her. she gives me hope, she gives me faith, she gives me a reason for doing better. everyone who knows me say she is the best thing that has happend in my life and alot of people know the hardships i have had. a lot of people know what things have happend. i cant loose her. it crushes me to think that. god please i would do anything too keep her by my side. back off, go out and do anything. i need her in my life. i dont want to be selfish but i love her. i met her for a reason. i know she is in my life for a good change. i have never met a girl like her in my life before. i had one good influence who did love me and we would of healed each other but i was stupid and i blame my self for not giving her a second chance, then you took her away from me. please don't take this one away. please god dont do this to me once more. she is not spoiled to the world she is still pure and can better my misrible life. i know i feel it deep in my sole when i am down, i pick my self up for her. i want to be stronger, i want to be healthy and she gives me a reason for fighting this big fight in my life. god, i do love her. dont take her away. i need more than a friend in my life, i have lots of them i thank you for giving me, but i know she is more than just a friend. i know i have my doubts, i know i have ideas of what might be happening behind my back or stupid things i think of, but they are just stupid ideas i manafest in my mind,only because you have done to me in the past. i know i have to forgive and forget. i know the past is gone but i would like to now trust and give hope. im stupid for thinking thoughts. god please dont take her away. i know i am not a strong man, i know my weakness is love, i know the only weakness i have is love. but why attack it.. have i done wrong.. god please... please god dont take her away, dont take her away ang give her to some one else who wont appreciate her love, her kindness, her beauty, her brain, her morals, her compation, her will. toss me another illness but dont take her away... pleas god please...

How and why

I don’t get it sometimes, how I can get something so good sometimes and I don’t deserve it at all… Christina is the most wonderful person I have even been with, I can’t explain why I love her so much, but I will try. First off, I don’t know how she can be so nice sometimes, I mean I know people are nice but she cares so much about people. Also about people she loves… I hope she truly loves me as much as she says… In my past I haven’t had much luck with love or girls who care about me in the same way she loves and cares about me. The odd part is I’ve known her since about late December and it’s now March 6, 2008. I only have known her for three months total… We are dating and happy, at least I am and I hope she is too. I have only felt this way about someone else, and that person is gone from my life. Love is not something you can just walk into CVS or Wal-Mart and just buy… Not even people that are married and have lived together for years find love. It’s a hard thing to find, not only because it’s rare. People don’t know what love is. Yes there is a definition for it but what good are words if you can’t describe feelings. When you feel something it’s just undescribable and can’t be duplicated or imitated. That’s why you will never be able to find a machine that can feel love. Love comes from the soul and only can be felt within. Christina is so smart and she is so beautiful. How do I get so lucky to have a person like that in my life? Not everyone can find that. She’s also so understanding too, I mean I am complicated. Not only because of my medical conditions, but also I have some minor other issues I know most people won’t put up with. I mean I don’t know many people that will sit by your side while you’re sick in the hospital and being a pain in the ass… I know eventually if she was going to end up my girlfriend she would have to deal with it somehow or sometime. I just never thought it would be when I was my sickest and my worst I have ever been. She had the patience to sit by me, while no one knew how it was going to turn out. I mean it was serious, I bled out of my lungs and it was a main vessel. She told me after all this happened she knew I was going to be ok and I am strong and I was going to make it… I myself was not too sure. I honestly at one point when I was in the E.R. thought I was going to die. I told my mom and dad I love them and to tell my friends I love them too. I also thought to myself, well for once in your life you are happy and content and at least you can die in peace. I didn’t want to though, I wanted to live, so I could be with the people I care for, and I also thought about her too. I thought I just met her and I have so much strong feelings for her I want to keep feeling this way for the rest of my life and I want to live to see it happen. I thought all about this in the few minutes before they put me under and took me to surgery. I didn’t know at the time what was going to happen or if I was going to wake up at all or wake up all messed up. I may not be a religious person, but I do thank god I found her and that fate has brought us together. I will do whatever I have to in my life to keep her by my side. I will do anything because I don’t want things to change ever. If any change were to happen, it would be the good change like our love for each other grows stronger to the point that we are happy. Sometimes I remember as a kid I would see old couples together holding hands and just looking at each other in delight. That’s how I would like it to be, that few small amount of happy people in the world who grow old together and are just happy and content. I don’t know what the future may hold but, I do hope the bad parts of my life are over. The bad relationships. The bad people who crossed me. The bad people who used me. The bad things that happened because I was so stupid to go along with it and I thought it would all work out in the end. The people who stressed me to the point I would get sick. I had no reason in the past to truly look forward to anything except for a career one day. A lot of good a career will do besides money and luxury. You can’t buy love. That saying is so true because you can just about get anything besides love. I love Christina and I can’t stop thinking about her sometimes. This is why I had to write this blog. Not only to get it out of my system, but to let the world or whomever reads this how I feel. No one can harm me while I am happy, not only am I superman but I am now on overdrive. No one can harm me or her! Wow I wrote a lot… Well I am currently in the car driving to Orlando so I thought I would write my mind out, now its megacon time and anime time….

LILMAN X >_<

Christina and I and the world should know... Part 1

Well i guess the news is out... and if you didn't know, i am off the market and i hope for good... That's right girls, i have a girlfriend and i no longer am single... I have a girl in my life for once that loves me for me, i don't have to impress her, or do any crazy stuff... She just enjoys me and who i am... no matter what... Its kind of funny because since i met her, I've always thought she was cute and looked good and was smart... So i figured, although i knew she didn't want a B/F at the time, and didn't want anything at the time... i kept and kept trying my hardest until i chipped away i guess you could say, at the hard brick wall she put up... I know others tyred and could not get by that wall... But as most of you know me i keep trying as long as i don't get a get lost or straight rejection in my face... I am hard to convince to give up and when i know it is something good and its a once in a life opportunity i will not pass it up and try until i succeed... I am so happy with her, I mean wow if you think about it... It is super hard to first find someone who has a brain, and a real smart person with a good smarts... Also some one who has real good looks and is a hottie... Then if you find both rare quality's then you add good parents who a similar to your up bringing and morals that both have been shown since little... Then if the 3 match up its even more rare to find some one who understands you so much, no matter may it be health problems, or problems with what ever may happen, she stays by your side... Then the only arguments are about stupid stuff like if you take care of your self or about school and spending too much time with each other and not focusing on other things that need attending... Well i will get into a bit more detail... about how things happened and stuff but for now just want to let the world know i am off the market and i love Christina sooo much....

LILMAN X :-)

P.S. If you look under this blog, i wrote one on the 21 i never published until i wrote this one...

Write what I think with no one to read

Ok I know I write in code and I do write a lot but this time around will be free write... I am not going to hide or will not give names to hide people's names or w/e it’s straight up writing what is on my mind so let’s see how this goes... Well all I have to say is I am happy to be alive and I can say I am happy with my life at the moment... I came real close to death recently and I came close to heaven lately at the same time.... Story goes like this... Feb 14th valentine's day I asked out a very special girl to be my valentine but I also asked her to be my girl friend... it took a lot of guts to do both but it took the most out of me to ask her to be my girl... I am always doubtful about basically anything I do that has to do with my love life because I haven't had the best luck I guess you could say... I fear rejection the most but I fear to be alone most of all... I think most people share my fear but I think I talk about it the most but more in code.... Well so that day I asked Christina to come to my house for lunch after her classes and do the romantic v-day thing... Well in all honestly I hate that day, mostly because I never have any one or I am alone or w/e the reason is I hate it... this year since she agreed to be my valentine I was happy, well I was more than happy I should say but I will leave it at that.... A confession I do have to say is I have hidden from some people out of respect for Christina and others and not to make waves, is we have kissed and been affectionate with each other... I don't have a problem being open about it but she is more worried about people finding out and I’m not essentially worried because I know who will find out and they will support us or I’m not sure what will happen but I do know as long as I am happy I have my true friends support behind me and behind us... I feel she is soo right and I feel we will be happy together. The people, who know me well, know I go out of my way and do w/e possible to make her happy. I honestly don’t know her for too long but, I can say I do have a connection with her like I’ve never had with anyone... I can read her and feel her, I can just look at her and tell what she is thinking and I think she can do the same for me.... I know I sound like it’s been forever or we are moving fast but I don’t know... I would be lying if I did not admit this fact... I do admit I did give her a scare and the rest of the people who care about me and love me... I came real close to death on Thursday the 14th because I bleed out of my lungs... Ok the story goes like this, Thursday after lunch and lollipop; I had an event at cielo night club for lollipop fund raiser... After the bake sale I started dancing real hard and as I usually do and I coughed up blood... first it was small but then it started gushing out in a real good amount... Thank god for my friends at lollipop and Yendi and Marcina and the rest of the crew who was with me when this event happened... They acted quick and saved my life, otherwise I would have drowned in my own blood... Basically what happened was a vain formed a pocket of collected blood until the vain popped and I started to bleed out.. I got to mercy hospital and the team here saved my life... I am fine now and I have to take it easy for a little while but I have my Family and my girl Christina by my side to support me... I love her and I feel bad because I knew I was going to end up in the hospital eventually but I didn’t know it was going to be one of the worst hospital stays of my life... I do admit she took it like a champ and I am shocked how strong she is, anyone else I’m sure would of flipped out or who knows but this just proves to me she can deal with the real medical issues that is a part of my life... It comes with me and although I try to ignore it or I try to make it as easy on the people in my life, it is a part of my life... I know I will never hurt her, and would take any steps to make life as easy as possible and happy for the both of us... I hope she feels the same for me as I do for her... Also I told her I was sorry for giving her the scare I gave her but she told me not to say I was sorry because I had no control over the situation but you know how I am... I think I am superman and I can control the world... But I do know I am rocky and I don’t know when to quit and I am a fighter!! I don’t know how to stay down!

I love my honda... I love my, Sunshine time...

Ok i know i might get into a little bit of trouble because of this but screw it... I love my car, why, because its reliable and its fast and gives me a thrill only one other thing can but w/e its different... So today was a real good day, unexpected things happened today but i was super happy about it... So yea i got to see... Lets call her "sunshine"... So me and sunshine spent some time today, ok i admit it might not be something big to you all but for me its more than words can describe... I didn't think i was going to see sunshine today due to i was sick yesterday or to put it correctly Tue because i have some kind of throat infection or something like that... So i was told i had to stay home and rest so it gets better real fast and it goes away... Fine no problem, well for me it is... i don't know why but when i see sunshine she just makes my day, and when i spend time with sunshine i feel like i could fly, and just do about anything... i am super happy if you can't tell by now... So after i had my time with sunshine today and got some love i guess you can say... HEY, I told you keep that mind out of the gutter!! Jackasses! Its nothing like that... But i did get loving after all, i got to hang out with Anna... So me and Anna wanted to go to walmart with Luis and Jessica and pinky... So we all drove to walmart and later on drove to playthings to say hi to my friends and some cool people i know there and then after we chilled at 7-11 for a while... Then after all that i was kinda tired and was driving down 8th and i was planning on taking Anna home.. Well when i look over to the other side of the road i see... Street Racers... Wow i was like in aww looking at all the Honda's and Srt4 and Silvia's and yea i could just keep going on and on about all the sexy car's... Well after i thought about it, more like 1.3 sec.. i yanked on the E-brake slowed down and turned around to join them... Now i was getting back to my roots as a street racer... I didn't want to park in a parking lot i know cop's might rade and ticket you for w/e... So i cased the joint out first, aka drive up and down 8th for a bit to see if i see cops or DT's or w/e and then i know its safe to go to the hangout... So yea as i always know the cop's did a rade and wow everyone bounced out of that joint like a bat out of hell... So i was like yea, going to another hang out.. so i will follow them and see were they meet and maybe talk to a few of them and see whats up... So yea i got the old Street Racer back in my blood flowing.. I didn't race because i had Anna in the car with me and i never put my passenger in any danger ever... So i just chilled and talked car stuff and yea kinda re-live the old day's... Wow, 2 rushes in one day, oh and i feel way better than i did yesterday... now i just cant sleep because of... yea a lot of factors but w/e... I know I'm not going to radio lollipop today and i got nothing to do so w/e I'm ganna see what this day gives me... Maybe nothing or who knows... im going to play some wii maybe to calm down or put me to sleep with some transformer's movie or something... WOOT good day.!!

LILMAN X

A Taste of.. and more?

Have you ever given any thought to if you could have a taste of something, you wanted soo bad that you would give anything in the world for? What would you do once you had a taste of this something? Would you be happy? Would you want more? Would you quiver and be shocked? I Had a similar situation happen to me... Lets say for example.. i wanted an item, or thing.. So once i got this thing i wanted another one, and one more and one more... Is this bad? Addictive? Or is it something i would like to keep getting? All depends on the kind of person you are, see with me its like i could have some, but i can wait for some more, but it will drive you crazy before you get anymore, and that is if there is any more left or will be more later on... You all must be like wtf is he talking about.. Well some of you know but the rest must be loopy.. or thinking other things, get your damm head out of the gutter, jack asses! Well all i have to say is, first i am super happy at the time.. i don't mind where i am at and i don't mind how things are going.. this is only a reference for my self and one other... I hope hearts can open up and i can further go on... i want it to so bad so i just can be happy and feel safe i guess... complicated as hell the situation i am in but so is life... you know you like someone when you start to miss them out of the blue and you think about them time to time... Love takes time and is something that has to be grown such as a seed that grows into a plant into a flower some day... i think a lot but i also don't write down or say a lot of things that go on in my mind, maybe because of my fear or i just rather keep it to my self... i am not sure of that but what i am sure of, one day i will be happy... at least i hope i will be... maybe i can share it with some one at that point... i know people say i look a lot for what i want but i say it finds me when i don't look and i sure can say i have... randomly i found something for a reason i do not know why, i have had a taste of something and i want more... only time will tell what will happen, but for now i am happy..

LILMAN X

OMG my head is going to explode... she spins me round...

Well its been forever since i have written and alot of stuff has happend... where in the hell do i start... well i will start by i have been out of the hospital and i am doing awsome... i have had a good winter i guess you can put it... started by hanging out with one of my homies that i havent seen in the logest time... D-man, he is doing real good in hawaii in the navy as a medic and helping people and stuff... it was awsome seeing him because its been forever since i have hanged with him because of him going off to war and then comming back to the real world i guess you could say... he was here in the summer and i didnt get a chance to hang with him due to the fact i was in the hospital and lost in space i guess you could say... well last time i wrote it was a complicated time in my life and right now i guess you could say things are simple and good but also complicated at the same time... lets put it like this... i like someone, i am about 95% this person feels the same way for me also but is afraid to do anything about her feelings and emotions are confusing both of us at the same time... I feel like i am spinning all the time because all i just want to do is feel secure that she likes me and its just going to be chill i guess you could say and we can trust each other and just care about each other and not worrie about the rest of the retarded world... my problem as most of you know i have issues with security and knowing where i stand and i hate the fact i am never sure about my situations... I just want to tell her that i feel soo much for her, in ways i cant express my self with her and also in things i want to do with her... for the dirty minds that read this get your mind out of the gutter, assholes... i just want to basically spend time and hold each other... cuddling or just being in the same room with her is the best thing i can experience... I just would like to hold her in my arms and also tell her what i think about her... I don't give a crap who knows or what they think... i say screw the world and what i think is what goes... so here goes my thoghts... I think she is amazing, first off, i have never met some one so dedicated to her studies, second (most of the time people are all about the books and screw the rest of things in life) she is also athletic and thinks health wise about alot of stuff... I actually need some one in my life right now to show me how to do things right and how i should also take care of myself, more like set an example that i can follow but also push me tooo... third she is also beautiful; something about her that i just amazes me and i find something diffrent every time i see her... no matter what she wears or what she is doing i always think its new and exciting... i dont know if its because i just met her or i haven't know her for a long time but i like this idea of something new every time i hang out with her... fourth her attitude towards life is different from most people that i have met, her outlook is similar if not the same as mines is... now i am older than her and she is younger than me but extremly mature about it and thats what is shocking and puts me into a gasp when i think about it... the chemistry between us is something that i truly can feel and also i am afraid of... the connection is super strong and intense but at the same time is relaxed... she is way diffrent from i guess the typical girl i like and also her response to me is different from what i am used to but all this "NEW" stuff is getting me all dizzy and drives me crazy at the same time... i am enjoying it and also i fear if any of this is for real? i mean some times i swear its like a dream and it cant be true, or maybe its some cruel trick i am being picked out of a crowd and tricked on... im not sure how it is going to go from here but here is what i think... first i would hope the following is going to happen... we are further going to continue what we discussed and just let it be and go with the flow... i hope to be happy with her because my demands are few and im sure her's are too... i am also pleasing in any way i can be, i know school is a big issue with her and i will keep my distance because i dont want to get in her way... I think i am getting into this maybe a little fast and i might need to slow down, i hope if i am she can tell me "hey slow down" and i will... i do things sometimes a little too crazy and i know my speed might be too fast and jumping into things to fast but its just me... when i feel a connection for some one i just get into it, i think from my point of view im at the point of no return where for example i can simply forget about her and my feelings for her but i can't... like i said before im in too deep and to the point of no return... i know its kind of crazy but thats just the way my mind works.. cant help it sorry... Well if i get hurt, i rather it be me than her ever getting hurt because that would be the last thing i would ever want to do to her... i would never hurt her, i cant, i dont know how to hurt anyone actually... sometimes i wish i could be an asshole because assholes get all the good girls and nice guys finish last... i think i always finish last because i am a nice guy but from what my friends tell me i dont finish last... w/e i disagree but who knows... maybe this is my chance of finding a nice girl and a true fairy tale will come true... i just wish some how she could stop being so confused about the situation and just trust me... i know its hard and she is scared to get screwd over but you learn nothing in life with out taking a risk... Anything in life is a risk the way i see it... you go to work, you take a risk to get fired, you go to school, you take a risk of learning something that might not be such a hot career in the future, you take a drive to a friends house... Simple right? well you might get in a acident getting there... everything in life is a risk... You take a risk to learn something from it or to experience something new... I say face life, take a risk and enjoy the good and look past the bad... Well its super late and i have to correct this long blogg as much as i can so good night...

LILMAN X

November Rain Part 2007

Well its almost the end of November but i was going to do this at an earlyr date but what the hell... its been a crazy year so far so we will see what happends of what is left...

November rain lyrics

When I look into your eyes

I can see a love restrained

But darlin' when I hold you

Don't you know I feel the same



'Cause nothin' lasts forever

And we both know hearts can change

And it's hard to hold a candle

In the cold November rain



We've been through this auch a long long time

Just tryin' to kill the pain



But lovers always come and lovers always go

An no one's really sure who's lettin' go today

Walking away



If we could take the time

to lay it on the line

I could rest my head

Just knowin' that you were mine

All mine

So if you want to love me

then darlin' don't refrain

Or I'll just end up walkin'

In the cold November rain



Do you need some time...on your own

Do you need some time...all alone

Everybody needs some time...

on their own

Don't you know you need some time...all alone



I know it's hard to keep an open heart

When even friends seem out to harm you

But if you could heal a broken heart

Wouldn't time be out to charm you



Sometimes I need some time...on my

own

Sometimes I need some time...all alone

Everybody needs some time...

on their own

Don't you know you need some time...all alone



And when your fears subside

And shadows still remain

I know that you can love me

When there's no one left to blame

So never mind the darkness

We still can find a way

'Cause nothin' lasts forever

Even cold November rain



Don't ya think that you need somebody

Don't ya think that you need someone

Everybody needs somebody

You're not the only one

You're not the only one

Transformers My Poor Car...

Well right now i have no car at the moment... My car who is about the only dependable thing in my life that is better than others who won't come close is broken... I am so sad about my car not working and yes i admit i did have a tiear or two for it... See if you look from my point of view, it takes me to where i need to be, 99% of the time if i take care of it, i will not be dissapointed and let down, people come and go and you have no control. As for my car, i hold the key to its action and it responds to my desire... Some people i know think im stupid for this but you know what i think of that... FUCK YOU~!! Will you take me where i need to be? Will you give me a thrill i can control and ask for any time... No, so then don't comment about it being just a car... You make what you drive and you hand is the one who makes what may come of it... Learn to have some control in your life and when all is out of order and then tell me what makes you happy... For me this is my car, My civic, my baby girl... Its my guardian like bumble bee was in the movie transformers to that kid, my car is my Transformer... Well on the bright side i'm getting her fixed and i hope it's going to be all better and my civic will be alright and maybe better than befor... I know it's in good hands because if i trust this person with my car they must be good... This video is for my car... May it be back in my life to make me happy once more...



LILMAN X >_<

Transformers Clips Set to Theme Song "What I've Done"

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Dream please End...

Well its been a hell of a long time since i have writen a blog or been on here... It's not that i didn't want to write a blog or anything its just that i have been real sick this past year... Ok where to start... In may i wrote about some girl who i met and i fell for i guess you could say... Me stupid romantic as always falls for the girls who stick by me or i have connection with, w/e like all things that are good, you can't always get what you want, but you get what you need as a song goes... At least this person is a grate friend and we still hang out and chit-chat so im cool and i'm just fine with that, better to gain then have a loss... So besides that, i have been in and out of the hospital... You all know that i get sick and stuff but i must say this year has been a hard and harsh one... In june untill i dont know when i did a total of 96 days of in the hospital... It was horrible but w/e i made my best had some computer out reach but not to what i wanted... Thats also why i haven't writen in soo long... But also i was in two or more times... i know i got out in Aug but also i know i was right back in like 3 weeks or something then one week later and this last time i was out for 3 days and i got a nasty infection and other stuff... Like i sed, its been like a long dream that will not end... I fell now better but still crappy... I have lost some and not kinda skinny but i need to gain it back... I hope i can get back into the flow of things like i was in the beginning of this year but geez its been crazy... Also a bad part about the hospital you drive you're self crazy because you just have so much time to think about stuff and your hands are tied and you can't do anything about you're thoughts and stuff like that... Now i don't know where to start to gather my like friends i haven't talked to or seen in so long... People vanish and fade if you don't keep up your game as i have learned... Now i need to step it up and fix it all, slowly because i don't want to end up sick because of my stress so we will see what happends... Comment or you can call me but please don't ask too much because i don't want to tell and i just want to wake up and let the dream end and my day to start...

LILMAN X >_<

Thoughts that run...

I know i haven't updated my blog in a long time but a lot has been going on i haven't been able to write about due to lack of being on my computer... So i have a issue right now in my life... A real big issue... I don't know how to explain it but i will do my best... I like this girl, no actually i love this girl... Yes love i know i don't use that phrase often but i do with her... She is almost perfect only because no one in the world is perfect even though we think we are... She excepts me for me, I have a lot of problems medically and personally and other things that i just don't think any other girl would ever have... But she excepts them for what they are and they don't even bother her at all... The only one problem i know she has is the fact i am shorter than her but its not my fault because of obvious reasons... Ive know her now for a wile and its not a long wile but it is some time... even if its been short or a long time that i have known her i do love her and i cant say that enough... she's met my family and they like her, she also likes them and she gets along with them too which is a big part of my decision if i love her or not... only one problem in this mess... She sort of has a guy but not at the same time... he treats her real bad in my opinion, maybe i am being bias about it but from what i have seen i think so... either way i don't think it will last with him but w/e its not my issue... All i want is for her to be happy if its with me or him... If she is torn between the two of us i rather her go with him because that would make her happy even if it will end eventually as i think it might... Ive just been spending a lot of time with her and i don't know how i could of won her over like i have but i didn't want to be a problem for her... I just wish some times nothing would of happened the way it did but i cant do anything about it now... I gave her my opinion today about what she should do and w/e if she chooses him over me and she is happy then i don't mind it... I guess i can stay put and wait, either way there is no one for me at the moment besides her and i also would honestly wait some time for her... She means a lot to me and i wish i could decide for her and just make him go away but i cant... I guess all i can do is pray, hope, think and do nothing but observe of what is going on and what will happen... A lot more is on my mind but i just cant write about it at the moment and eventually all will be known...

LILMAN X

Some Weekend...

Well so i guess i was right about this weekend going to be busy... I was sure not kidding... So Sat i had to become Mr. PC fix it, so... Inez came over to my house and Erika also had a computer that was broken, so i thought i might as well kill 2 birds with one stone... So after i looked at Erika's computer i came to the idea, Its dead... The mother board or CPU are totally dead because i even took my personal power supply and hooked it up and nothing, no function by that board at all... so yeah then later Inez came over because she needed to get a PC for a good price... So i was like i should take them to my Asian computer street in the north west... So after Inez got here we bounced all 3 of us to "PC street"... So i thought of kings computer where my home girl Angela would hook it up for her fav costumer... So she did and i got Inez a bad machine... Soo going to hook her up with lots of software when she gets it this week i hope... So after that we walked around just in case some one else got a cheaper machine... Nope just a few laptops Erika liked because they are shinny... Good greef... so w/e after that was over i got home around 7 or so then Inez invited me to eat at her house and look at her old PC for the hell of it see what i could get off of it to transfer over to her new one... So i was like sure its all part of the job so i might as well do it now to have an idea of what i needed to do... So yeah, i found out her hubby worked a the drift event called nopi and i almost cried because i sooo wanted to go but i didn't and yeah... So after we chilled out and Ozzy and i talked about how I'm going to hook up my car and he could do any cutting or welding i came home around midnight or 1 am... i did remember to get my stuff ready for the mini pool party at Blondie's house... so Sunday early as hell i got up to help out Luis with his computer and see what the hell was wrong with it... Well he came over around 10 or 11 and i looked at it... After taking both hard drives out and connecting them to my external, yeah dead... Both of them too... Sucked because its rare that it happens but I've seen it happen before... So we picked up a barracuda at tiger which was on sale and put it in... So after that i rushed out of here to make it to Joe's and go to Blondie's pool... It was sooo much fun, i wish K.R.S. could of made it but she had to study and i know how that is, done that before unfortunately... So we chilled out at the pool all day long until the sun was gone, got cold too and then jumped to Joe's... After playing guitar hero for a wile and my fingers going numb... I got the bright idea to go to titanic... Blondie was a virgin to titanic so of course i made her sing... I did my thing too and Joe also put in a tune... So that was that, got out late had a blast this past weekend... Also had a Blast on Monday but that's for me to know and you guy's to never figure out... Aahh yea! Who knows how my week will go... So now its time for me to ride... Peace!!!

LILMAN X >_<

Two days of fun, one in the sun...

So its been a crazy pre-weekend start off i guess you would say... Yesterday was Thursday and radio lollipop i always do so... Little M told me to take a spare change of cloths because we might go out after... Well from Wed's event everyone was so tired and out of it, no one felt like going out.. So w/e i called up my boy Joe to see what he was up to... Well he was in this place loud as hell and i was like were are you so i can meet you and chill... So he was at Kendall ale house with 2 girls... Lets call them K.r.s. and Blondie... So I've heard a lot about K.r.s. and Blondie a lot but i have never met them, yeah Ive seen pictures and they are very good looking girls mind you but one is taken and one is not... So w/e fine by me, i was not in "hunting mode" so i was chilled out... So we stayed at the ale house till it closed and a lot of drinks were ordered and yeah some shots too and i had a beer after all that to chill me out... So one was quiet and one was really super "mingle-i-tive" i guess you could say... So w/e you know me, always hyper always talking and stuff so i told them, "peep this" how about you girls on Sunday go over to Joe's house and we chillax in the pool... So they were like OK cool... oh yeah you know how i do... so anyways, we leave the ale house around 2:30 or so and i get home make my bed because i left it a mess and then i get a call as i am falling asleep from Joe... "Yo Blondie wants to hang out tomorrow" i was like OK cool, and then he tells me we go to her pool and stuff... OK cool with me, then he tells me "so get up at 9am and i am getting up at 9:30" i was like OK, a little early but w/e fine... So after about 5 hrs of sleep or less i get up and shower get my "aloha" outfit together... ( Red flowered shirt with my black flowered swim trunks all suffered out if you can imagine) So I'm out of my house by 10:30 because she "told" Joe, the pool by 11am... OK fine, i get gas and on my way he's like "umm change of plans", OK whats the deal??? Well we are going to do it at my house so yeah we will pick her up a little later... So i was like "OK..." Then i got to his house and waited till 12 and then we picked her up and we chilled all day by the pool... It was a nice day i can say... Sun was out, slight rain fall wile in the pool but w/e i was wet anyways... So i just got home right about 3o Min's ago and i need to wake up for a lollipop event at 8 a.m. and then some... The weekend just started and its going to be a busy one...

LILMAN X >_<

ouch my ear's ring... Super late night...

Well yesterday was a rather good day... I did alot of stuff but w/e it wasn't anything to be all hyped about... First off i forgot about the improv event was yesterday when i woke up in the morning... but i kept remembering something was going on with lollipop that day but i was like "duh i wonder whats going on..." so i called MCH and asked and they told me the improv and i was like oh yeah! So i iorned my shirt and paints and took a shower and some how pulled myself together faster than I've ever done... If you know me well, you know I'm worse than a bitch that takes like 4 hr's to get ready... but w/e i did it some how all in a matter of an hour's time... so then down the 826 going 80 or so until i got to miller and got off and to the improv... Well some stupid cop's for some reason were i guess board stupid and decided to pull random people over... Guess just once who a random person would be... Yours truly... W/e fuck them, they kept thinking my car was hooked up or they were just trying me or something so w/e, finally after i got them off my ass time to look for parking in the grove... Well you know me and parking, if i can use my handicap sticker than i rather that then paying... Soo i found one and parked real close to the place... The show was good, i was a little worried about seating but some one saved me a seat with her and i was happy about that... Kinda surprised about it too but i was happy, thats all i have to say... So w/e after the show some people wanted to party after so i was like "I'm game"... So we hit up sandbar which was empty but good and then after we where at martini bar... Martini bar was alright but a few things got to me... First off it was $10 to get in... I Hate, Hate, to pay to enter in a place unless i know its good... Martini bar is famous for going up and down... Last night was alright but nothing big deal... The second and worst part was Mr. F ditched us for some piece of ass who was not all that at all... Ok take one for the team fine, but their was no team or nothing, her supposed "Hot girls" that she was with where GONE!! They left before we got there... So w/e... Then third of all, i know the music in a club should be loud, yeah ok fine... But it was way way too loud! My ear's still hurt today.... So w/e It was a good night after all... Oh yeah so after i got home i had a little adventure... It was rather fun, i got home as the sun was coming up but w/e it was all worth it last night... Tonight's plans are: Lollipop then after who knows... I think we might go out but I'm not sure were too... w/e we will see what happens...

LILMAN X >_<

CNE !! GRAD !! Associate of Science Degree

WOOT! I made it... Finally after all this time that i should of been well then done with school i finally finished it! I graduated and i cant wait to walk... I got my Associate of Science Degree in Computer Network Engineer... I am so happy this is over, now i am going to take some time off to take care of some stuff i have been putting off since I've been going to school and being sick and doctors and stuff... Now its R & R time for me... A Grad, wow i feel so free but i am also unsure of what comes next... Well forget that for now, just have to relax and party it up since I've busted my ass this last term... But that will be next week... its mothers day and i must get up early...

LILMAN X

Fred's Club Fest 2007... Maddness...

So yeah this weekend was crazy... i haven't partied like that in the longest time, club after club after club... Well this crazy weekend started off by Friday my friend caro called me to hang out, i haven't seen her in about a year to two years because she moved to Texas and she was in Miami to finish her school and w/e... so she picked me up around 5 p.m. and we went to B R'US to check out some stuff she wanted to buy and ect... then we met up with some friends of her's and decided to go to Monty's around 6 almost 7... Chilled and had some drinks until about 11 or so, well i remembered that my homie Fred had a party weekend planned and it kicked off Friday night until Sunday... Well so Friday was Finnegans on the River, awsome place, i loved it and w/e a little bit of a ghettoness to the place but w/e it was so worth draging my ass out of the house at 11pm to make it by 12 midnight... We only stayed until about 3 am but the biggest surprise was finding this girl i know from Mch that works with us at lollipop, i will call her "kate", and the little one was also with us too and yeah it was super awsome night... F.Y.I. Kate, Fred and Little-M Where at all the events and myself... Then on Sat was Privé... So Fred had hooked it up with the VIP and Bottle and all the trimmings you could want... So i was enjoying myself and out of no were i see this girl dancing and all crazy with the little one,(lets call the little one, little M)... So little-M is dancing and talking to this girl and i was sitting on the couch wondering who this girl is... Well little did i know when i went up to little-M she tells me oh this is my niece (lets call her Crazy-A) So i was like hello Crazy-a how are you my name is Alexander but you can call me alex... I actually was like not present at that moment basically i could of sed "call me what ever you want" but thank god my brain works well when my thoughts are else where lets say... So shes like oh nice to meet you... Well 2sec pass by and little-M i guess saw the expression on my face and told me " Hey! Thats my niece, hands off and don't even think like that... I swear it was like a mac-train being derailed but w/e, i think i got back on the tracks like 10 seconds after she told me that... The worst part is that Crazy-A was like Dancing all up on me and stuff and i was like telling little-M "Look my hands are right here!" as i had my hands up in the air as i was being pointed at by a gun... It was sooo funny but wow what a night... We all left the club by like 5am and everyone was beat... When we were all outside talking over how the night was, little-M asked me if i could take Crazy-A home... I was like " WHAT?? >_< " So then i was like ok, thinking "yeah, sure, NO PROBLEM!!!!" to myself... So on the drive home from southbeach, since i am such a chatter box and i also like to ask people about them selfs and see how they are... I asked her about herself and what shes doing and school, the usually "me" Q and A's... Some how during all this i asked her for her number, thinking to my self, crap little-M is going to kill me if she finds out i am doing this... w/e it was late, i mean give me a brake, do you think i was thinking clearly at 6 am in the morning... YEP!... So i got her digits and went home slept and woke up at 12 noon... Sunday was Nikkei beach... Well another day of VIP is all i can say... Around 2pm I texted Crazy-A and asked her if she wanted to go to Nikkei beach? Now thinking to my self, well shes going to say no or she is too busy or school finals coming up she might just be hitting the books, w/e... Well i get a text back that says "Aw that would be great! Would u have space for others by any chance?" So i was in shock, thought to my self wow shes going to go, WOOT! Then my next thought was "Shit! Little-M will be their and she is going to kill me if she finds out i am taking her!" Well i told my self screw it, i can always run or get her drunk by buying my way out of it with drinks... So i took a lightning flash shower and jumped in my swimming trunks and aloha-T and peeled out of my drive way to make it to her place... So when i got there picked her up and speeded down the high way to Nikkei beach... Got their kind of late so i was worried we would not get in... So when i go to the door the first guy tells me ID's and we had to pay... So i was like fuck that, so i thought of another way in... The side i remembered was guarded by just regular fools and they didn't charge... So i told them follow me... Bingo on the side the dude looked at my ID and was like no way, so i used my smart ass attitude and got us all in... So the rest of the night was awsome, little-m was kinda tipsy so it was all cool that i picked up Crazy-A, so i was straight for the rest of the night... Well thats my crazy weekend... Monday i did pay for it but w/e it all was well worth it because its only once a year... Yoda was one happy Jedi and to my Padawan, Thanks for the awsome time buddy, Summer is just around the corner!!

LILMAN X >_<