New JOB !!! PLAYTHINGS !!!

Ok I have to say the best job I have had to date is this one... Ok let me rewind some first... A few weeks ago I was looking for a job because my funds are running low due to the stock market being sucky and other stuff... So w/e I've applied at like 10 different places, so I stopped by playthings; Playthings is a Adult store that's not like your usual adult store... It's cool because its like pleasure emporium and condom USA and Victoria secret all in one... Its like when you walk in its got sexy cloths and stuff like that with oils and other stuff and in the back its a XXX store too... They have your vibrator and "fun sticks" and all kind of DVD's blow up dolls and other stuff... So I was talking I think it was Tim, and I was like man to find a job sucks no one is taking me hive applied at 100 places and no one has called me back. So w/e we were talking about his bike and told me hey look fill this out so we have your information... I was like this is an application, he was like yeah, and, fill it out... I was so excited and shocked too so w/e... I filled it out and stuff and too weeks to this past Monday and I got the job... I love it over there... Its awesome and soo not the job I was ever think I could get... But I got it!!! The only bad part is there's a lot of walking but I don't care, I will get used to it.. My only problem is that IM going to have to switch to SAT lollipop or just quit... I love it and IM ganna keep it as long as I possibly can... I work Sunday to Thursday 4-midnight and let me tell you its perfect for me, well almost but w/e I can make sum changes to adapt but w/e screw it I love it and that's that... The best part I think is I learn a lot about I guess sex stuff and also I get discounts, OH YEAH... Also I get payed very well... Another plus is I get to see some Fine looking Girls and let me tell you some Hot girls come in, I am very professional about what ever they need but still I enjoy a sexy face... Now let me tell you its all good working there but still I rather have a relationship then have 1 billion sexy faces and all that stuff... Well its like 3pm and I am going to get ready to leave because I have work at 4... SO peace bitches!!!
LILMAN X >_<

Standing poem...

Well today... Nothing happened except I found out soon I will be working at an awesome place.. yay... Besides that nothing else is going on... IM going to write a poem and go to bed...

Standing:

I stand in my spot.
the same old place.
I take a step forward.
but IM walking on a space.

A space that's the same.
no matter what I think.
To just move forward.
is just an imaginary space.

To try to jump in front.
To try to jump a head.
To freely move a step ahead.
Is just the same old place.

I think IM getting ahead.
I think IM moving again.
I want to move just maybe.
one or two steps of space.

If I stand longer here.
in the same old place.
I never will know.
any other space.

But I try so hard.
and I try so much.
if I ever do move.
That will be my happy place.

For now I see.
I haven't moved ahead.
even if I try hard.
its always the same old space.

Crispy Red With The Doctors Orders And Burnt Out...

So today was a day of not much going on... I woke up, went to the doctors and decided to stop by chrissy's house and come home after... I got up like at 10 and then I had my usual breakfast and stuff and I went to the doctors at 2 because I had my check up and stuff... So w/e I did the same thing, how am I doing, tell him all the things I need fixing and that's about it... So after that I got out like at 5 because I had to wait for the Rx and stuff to be written and labs copied... So after I went to chrissys house to hang out and eat shit and have some water... I was not about to deal with traffic at that hr so I found a spot I could chill until it died down... So I was their for a little wile and then I took the turnpike home and picked up my new shoes I had altered and that was about it... After that I just took a power nap and woke up around 8 or so... Then I called alexa and asked her what she was doing on Wed and she told me nothing so I suggested maybe we can go to the mourge and hang out and stuff... So she sed sure and then after I called mark so he can come with us and stuff... Mark and I chatted for a wile and then I watched some T.v. and then I talked to chrissy updating her on stuff and now IM writing and that it folk... The weekend was good... All I did was Sat I was hanging out with mark and alexa and chrissy at a pool hall because dio was busy after we chilled and then Sunday I got burnt to a crisp in the sun doing parking and stuff for the fair... So right now IM nice and red but I shall get a good tan out of this when my burnt comes off... Well IM super tired and IM going to go to bed... My thought process is gone by now so good night

LILMAN X >_<

Nothing But Anime ^_^

So today I didn't do much of anything because all I did was basically watch anime ^_^ ... I love to watch anime its all I do basically when I don't do anything as in going out and stuff... Thanks for the anime to Luis... He's the man when it comes to anime and stuff... If you need an anime or w/e, Luis is the man to go to... So yeah, I was watching "Dual! Parellel Trouble Adventure" awesome anime btw I love it... So w/e its 13 episodes long and one extra episode which is the best so yeah just watched that all day and I also got my handicap sticker renewed... Besides that I didn't do much of anything... I was thinking maybe going out or hanging out somewhere later but I was like nah and Luis was tired and he didn't want to go out so I was like forget it... Lets see anything else's I would like to say... (Thinking...) Well yeah I was thinking about this girl I met, only have seen her like once but I would like to maybe go to the movies or something with her... I dunno maybe, I mean its just a thought but IM not sure how the hell to ask her... It has been a long time since I've been on I guess you could call it a "date"... Even if my last date was unsuccessful and it turned out to be just a big disappointment but w/e... I guess I will work up the guts eventually but I hope not too late because I don't want my opportunity to pass me by... I have my human guide to help me and some inside help on her I hope and maybe with that I can achieve my goal... Its not like IM invading Poland or something... Yeah well so its a few hrs of online then to my room to watch some more anime wile I clean my room...

LILMAN X >_<

Sick, Pissed Off, Disappointed and Awake!

Its 1:30 AM and I am awake and Pissed off and Sick... I am sick with a stupid cold because I got this thanks to a girl I shall call Jane... Thanks to Jane I am sick with a nasty cold and I haven't felt like this in a long time... On top of all that I have had a shitty weekend because after Thursdays nice awesome outing, I haven't done shit... I thought maybe Sat we were all going to hang out and maybe do something and party and I was going to get a chance to get out of the house... Well no Turns out Since Jan didn't know what the hell she was doing her friend and her didn't plan anything so we ended up doing nothing but I don't care because at the end of the night I would of been so sick anyways I would of probably done nothing... Sat all day I stayed home until about 5 or 6 pm and I went to Luis's job to apply as front desk and see if I might get the job there... That would be awesome because then at least I have a steady income and stuff but even then I was forced to leave because I felt so shitty that I could not take it and I had to go home... Today I did nothing... I wanted to clean my room and do some stuff but I had to almost sleep half the day and stay in bed because I had a fever of 102 and I was all stuffed up... So Jane at 12 something or 11 something called me to tell me to get some of her stuff that I have and put it outside the door and to look for it... After she gave me this fucking cold and I feel like shit she calls me super late to tell me that stupid insignificant shit... Fuck that she is out of her fucking insane mind... I feel like shit ok... I know you are reading this and I am now awake thanks to your stupidity of your narcissistic boyfriend and you trying to fucking prove a point to his stupid ass... WTF are you thinking... I now am awake pissed off because I have to wait 1 hr or more for the nyquil and other 2 things I took to kick in and put me to sleep... Other words I will be awake all night long and tomorrow I cant do the things I need to do... Fuck, have some consider ation and don't give a fuck what that jack-asses opinion is... Fucking think for your self and get a hold of what you give a damm about... I had 10 missed calls today and I know almost all of them are from people wanting something from me... I only picked up 4 out of 14 calls total I had today... shit... You know why I have it how I have it... Because I don't give a fuck about anyone's opinion and persuasion on me... That's why I get so far... If you don't care they can't harm your feelings and thoughts... People need to learn that... So fuck the bullshit IM going to bed or at least try to... So thanks For waking me up Jane...

LILMAN X >_<

A Wild Night On The Tootsie's Side...

Well what a wild night tonight was... Lets just put it like this, I've Gotten: Drunk, Shaken Hands With a famous Porn Star, Danced With Strangers, Got rubbed up on by a friend and saw naked girls, all in one night... Well so it started out like this we were at Sand bar after we got out of lollipop and we all decided to go out... Well its the group together all over again... Lets Call them: May,Sue,Alf,Me and Jon. Well so all of us were chilling at sandbar having a few drinks and enjoying our selfs... Well every one knows I have the biggest balls to do anything and go up to anyone, why because I don't care... So I was being pressured to talk to some chick there w/e.. In the end the bitches are stuck up ( as usual) and May decided to get me the one drink that would get me drunk in 2 shots... So w/e she was like oh I wanna see you drunk, I've never seen you drunk and bla bla bla... So Alf, Jon, sue, and may all gang up on me so w/e I also wanted to get wasted so I had a double shot. Well that was that... I remember the room being all wavy and crazy and before I knew it, Jon told every one hey allycat's or tootsie's... So I was like no forget it I don't wanna and bla bla bla... So w/e After once more of Jon saying tootsie's, I was like ok tootsie's it is... So we all went in Sue's car and Alf drove... So wile on the drive we take Some crazy pic's in the back because May is the one taking them and she's good and buzzed and Me being still Buzzed I was like ok w/e... (Still thinking if I should post them...) So we get to tootsie's and walk in and w/e what a night wile we were there... OMG I saw my first Live Lez Porn show For the First Time in my life... 2 girls who I think were at sand bar with us... Were on stage eating each other out and getting nude and all crazy shit... Wow it was awesome... Next time IM taking some Cam that will take photos so I can post them... But it was crazy... Sue by this time was super drunk and she was talking to me in gibberish and may was a little sober but still not yet... So w/e... Wile me Jon and Alf were chilling the girls were dancing up a storm and Ron Jeremy came over and shook my hand... I could not believe I met Ron Jeremy the biggest "Porn" star in the world.. I mean I don't think you can get above that man's status... So w/e, by this time Sue was talking to Alf and Alf was like yo, we need to take her home and she's drunk and is not in the best of mind... Mind you Alf and Sue once had a little thing going but I was rather shocked that Alf didn't take advantage of Sue's state of mind... She was rather influential by being drunk but Alf being himself was a true gentleman and told her no your drunk and told her to sit down... So on our way driving back home Sue was passed out in the back seat and half way home at least May was sober to drive and We dropped off Jon on the way to pick up the cars... What a crazy night... Well go figure when the 5 of us get together its always crazy...

Lilman x >_<

The End Of... But it is all a lie...

Well so today I didn't do much of nothing... Just was another day of nothing... Besides minor crap and stuff that I had to do it was rather dull... The only best and worst part was watching the Hurricane game on TV because it was sooo close and exciting even if we lost... Yes I know we lost but you know what it was a good game... That new freshmen lost it for us but w/e we will win next year... Besides that I vacuumed my car, made it smell good and that's all... So laborday is over and they say its the last day of summer after laborday is over but its all a lie... IM telling you Summer is never over here in Miami... Dammit its spring Summer and winter.... Fall is soo short here its like none-excist here... I think fall starts after Halloween and winter starts at the end of November... IM telling you its all a lie to make people think that... Since we all must fallow this thought the north has we should too... No way... Its our rules down here... Hell if a hurricane can form in fall then its still summer... Dammit I am mad I didn't do anything exciting this long weekend but w/e, story of my life... I wonder what everyone else did... I called a bunch of people to see what they were doing but no one called me back... I called Jose-(with the supra's) Fred, Marcina, colleen, katia, kevin and nothing no one got back to me... I wanted to go out and party, drink a little bit and maybe make some new crazy ass impressions in my mind (memories for the stupid people) but nothing... W/e oh well theirs always next weekend, I have 140 friends here on myspace... I know at least more than half of you bastards have my number... Dammit... w/e, always next weekend... So w/e IM ganna shower and school 2marrow... Fun... At least the thing I had on my eye is gone thanks to my new doctor and some stuff he sent me... Brain stew time.. Night...

LILMAN X >_<

P.S. Thinking of some one.... Hence the Song: A Thousand Miles By Vanessa Carlton

Cruel intentions... The book

Well I don't have much to write about today... I was a bum all day long because I didn't feel like doing anything, I was kinda tired and out of it for some reason... Short of breath too.. So w/e... I basically have been watching my house DVD's that my mom got me... All of season 1 and season 2... So far I am up to DVD 2 of season one side B since its dual sided... Well I have an idea... If anyone has ever watched cruel intentions and seen it a lot, they find out that the bad girl writes in a little book she has I guess its a dairy and she puts peoples picture and writes about them... Well I think I might just do something like that online but keep it too my self... I think it would be way too harsh for most everyone I know and what I think... Remember the truth is the worst opinion you could tell some one... That's why we all lie and say something else logically... And don't try to say, oh but I am always honest... You know its bullshit so admit it, no one is perfect but we would all like to think that we are... I doubt you haven't looked at some one you've known for a long time and thought the opposite of what your telling them... Well w/e that's all I have to say... Going to bed to watch more house... Who knows until what time...

LILMAN X

Black Checkers VS. Red Checkers... Who Wins?

Well, another day.... Today I did the usual thing I do every Thursday, School in the morning, hang out with a few friends at school, go home and eat, hit the streets once more and then come home... The only thing I didn't do today was radio lollipop and that was due to an eye infection that I might have, which IM going to go get checked out asap... Ok so I was thinking to myself today well I have to put my life in a status... Look at it from the 3rd person point of view or 4th... What is going good and what is going wrong... Red checkers is good stuff And Black is bad stuff... First My health issues... I am on the liver transplant list and have not been taken off but inactive so that cancels each other out... I was diagnosed with something new (One Black)... I have 3 chronic diseases 2 that are incredible (One Black)... I currently have no doctor at the moment due to the pussy asshole I had didn't want me anymore (One Black)... I feel healthy (One Red)...
2 Other things are wrong with me that I don't want to say (One Black)... Now personal issues... I have a wide variety of friends (One Red)... I can count on at least a few of them for sure if I need something (One Red)... I have no steady employment... (One Black) I have some money I gain back every now and then (One Red)... I have a car that's hot (One Red)... I currently have no girlfriend (One Black)... I've tried to get a steady G/F but failed (One Black)... I meet a lot of girls (One Red)... IM a realest most of the time or pessimist (One Black)... I have some horrible luck for most things (One Black)... If I work my ass off to something that I want I get it rarely (One Red)... My room sucks and I could never bring a chick back to my place (One Black)... Haven't gotten any in a real long time (One Black)... I am almost never home because I am busy doing what I want (One Red)... I'll probably look young for a long time in the long run (One Red)... I currently look too young now and it works against me sometimes (One Black) I some times use my young look to my advantage for cheaper stuff (One Red)... I am sick of the battle of the every day rutieen (One Black)... I am fed up with stupid bullshit I have to save some people sometimes(One Black)... I love my school because its easy and fun (One Red) I get harassed constantly because of how old I look (One Black)... I hate that some people call me for only favors when its just for that and nothing else the rest of the time (One Black)... That all I can think of off the top of my head... Well lets see how we did... I have 16 black and 11 Red... Well So I did just as I thought... Just Wonderful... W/e Fuck it I am going to bed and I don't give a shit... At least until tomorrow...

>_< LILMAN X

Home study, Long time no spleechies?

Well so today I was back at school but not for too long because it was a short day due to its only an independent study class... So w/e get the work say hello and bounce... So basically its awesome but not because I have to do everything my self.. Besides that I didn't do much... Oh I did take the winshild wipers off my car painted them and they look awesome.. I did that on the weekend... So yeah nothing much to tell.. Oh One big thing I was super happy was to hear from roxy... I so missed talking to her on MSN... Its been forever since I talked with her because her internet is only on a here to there basics due to she's in Peru and waiting to come to the US... Stupid visa residentcy stuff... But besides that she should be here soon since everything was started in JAN... So we all know how slow our lovely Government is.. Jack asses ... So when she gets here to Miami, wow I don't know were to begin... I think I might need help from some one on an issue but w/e that's eventually... I hope when she gets here we can hang out and all that stuff... Fake id must be because its going to be hard to get her into unknown places... The mourge should be easy but as for the rest... I don't know... I hope she will live close to me, but w/e I got a car, I drive fast so w/e no problemo... Well I am getting sleepy.... I do have class and I have to get some rest for that EEG in the morning... IM outta here... >_<

LILMAN X

Middle Of The Day ANT HILL BURN!!!

Just a thought I was thinking I should share... Because it seems every time I am looking for something I cant find it... I feel as if god is looking down at me with a magnifying lens and using the sun to burn off my feelers and then eyes and then leg by leg... Slowly driving me crazy... H first starts by putting water over my sent trail so I cant find my way back to that ant hill and then just mash me with a finger so half my legs are broken and IM stumbling around all screwed up... Then he burns my feelers off so I cant feel the ground and just slowly craw around... Then burn off a back leg, then one by one burn the rest off and then my torso until just my head is left until I die... HHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! FUCKING PISSED OFF ....

LILMAN X >_<

The end of this week... Good Riddance!!!

Well its Friday and thank god this week is over... What a peace of shit it has been so far... It has not gone well at all and today I guess was the iceing on the cake... I have had it with building and fixing Computers because I think my now 4 day head ache has stayed because I still am trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with that shit... W/e at least I haven't drove all the way down to hell to take a look at it... My god every time I have to travel down to homestead so I can just get aggravated with that shit so then I cant do jack about it... So w/e fuck that also I have applied for work at some place and the damm place hasn't called me back so w/e fuck them too.. So lets see that's 2 strikes so far.. What a lovely week... Oh yeah so I met a girl at the mourge who I thought was sexy and super nice but just a minor draw back... She's not looking for anything just wants to have fun... Ok no problem with me.. But here's the real draw back... She douse not live in Miami so w/e, I can't win... Strike 3 BTW... Then I also was arguing with my doctor and the bastard is so fucking immature because he doesn't want to see me anymore because my case is soooo complicated... WTF... I don't get this shit, ever since I passed out had that seizure in the hospital and had a nervous break down he has been a real jerk and hasn't wanted to see me any more... Well fuck that son of a bitch immature asshole who should get his MD taken away because he cant handle my case.. I told that fuck face bastard that I was complicated and I would help him out because I know myself and I know what goes on... Fuck you, jack sucking dick fucker bastard form whose mother was a whore... Soon he is going to have 7 or more patient's with draw because I have that power.. He wants war, fine you got it... He has no idea the people he was going to get... Now suffer and loose money you son of a bitch... So that's strike 4.... Lets see oh yeah I was sitting today at starbucks and just relaxing when something hit me like a plain in the are hitting a bird flying down for the winter... I am single, not happy with it and also sad because I have jack shit girls to show for it... I am sick of this life... Time to go hunting I guess you could say or maybe if you are reading this, you can hunt my ass down and get me.... I don't care which way it goes, just need some thing to bring back to camp... Wow I love how I make analogies... So w/e what a shit week... Oh yeah Monday I start school so w/e maybe next week shall go better... w/e I doubt it but hey its the weekend now and then back to hell next week... I mean yay another week... Yeah w/e you know how much I love to bullshit so... blah >_<

Lilman x >_<

P.S. say something stupid and be crucifyed for it!!!


I saw her today at the reception
A glass of wine in her hand
I knew she was gonna meet her connection
At her feet was a footloose man
You cant always get what you want
You cant always get what you want
You cant always get what you want
But if you try sometimes well you might find
You get what you need
And I went down to the demonstration
To get my fair share of abuse
Singing, were gonna vent our frustration
If we dont were gonna blow a 50-amp fuse
You cant always get what you want
You cant always get what you want
You cant always get what you want
But if you try sometimes well you just might find
You get what you need
I went down to the chelsea drugstore
To get your prescription filled
I was standing in line with mr. jimmy
And man, did he look pretty ill
We decided that we would have a soda
My favorite flavor, cherry red
I sung my song to mr. jimmy
Yeah, and he said one word to me, and that was dead
I said to him
You cant always get what you want
You cant always get what you want
You cant always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you just might find
You get what you need
You get what you need--yeah, oh baby
I saw her today at the reception
In her glass was a bleeding man
She was practiced at the art of deception
Well I could tell by her blood-stained hands
You cant always get what you want
You cant always get what you want
You cant always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you just might find
You just might find
You get what you need
You cant always get what you want
You cant always get what you want
You cant always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you just might find
You just might find
You get what you need

Try Something New And Steady

Well today was something... All I must say is if all was as well as it was today then tomorrow should be the best... I plan to write about it but not until its a for sure thing... It was raining all day long and I was hanging out with Luis and jess because its been for ever since we chilled the 3 of us... Played Kill all humans on the PS2 and well that's about it... I am not going to write much because I have something important tomorrow at 10 or 11 A.M. until about 1P.M. So leave me alone or I shall ignore you and then after I am done, I shall yell at you about calling me... I am Off to bed for once before 1 A.M. Night~!

I Just got home from computer hell 5 AM, fuck this shit of giving...

Well its 5 am and I just got home not 10 mins ago and I had left here at 9 something this morning to go to lollipop, its a good thing too because it took for ever to get things started, but that's another story... So w/e the rest of the damm day I have been going to homesead to the same person's house to fix her computer... The worst part is since IM such a nice guy and I feel bad that she's almost blind and she's gives me food, I barely charged her what I should... Its such bullshit because, that Dell computer she has is like almost impossible for it to work, I mean I tried every damm trick I had and a lot more, until I had no choice to give up and say I have to take it with me to look at it... Well I left her house at 4:30 something and I had gotten there around 3... It was supposed to be soo simple, because dell sent me the driver CD and w/e simple install right...? Wrong, it took me 7 hrs of fighting with that thing until I set screw it I give up on this today... Then the other computer that is her little girls, well that was a screw up too... I installed windows and w/e it was fine and then after it got all messed up because of stuff she needed to look at.... Now I have tons of spam on that PC and I had a fight with it until 4:15 and told her I need sleep... Well as I should of done, I should of told her... Its going to be 40 for today's 16hr day... I mean that was crazy... AHHHH!!! I only asked for 10, just barely to get gas and that was it... fuck this day its already the next day and the sun is rising so IM hitting the bed... Or at least try to... fuck that shit... Greenday put it best : "Nice guys Finish Last"

GREENDAY - Nice guys finish last. You're running out of gas. Your sympathy will get you left behind. Sometimes you're at your best, when you look the worst. Do you feel washed up, like piss going down the drain Pressure cooker pick my brain and tell me I'm insane. I'm so freaking happy I could cry. Every joke can have its truth and now the joke's on you. I never knew you were such a funny guy. Oh nice guys finish last, when you are the outcast. Don't pat yourself on the back, you might break your spine. Living on command. You're shaking lots of hands. Kissing up and bleeding all your trust, taking what you need. Bit the hand that feeds. You kill your memory


LILMAN X

7 no sleep... Don't Want time to pass...

Well its 7 am and IM still up... No I have not slept since 10 am yesterday... I cant sleep because I know what today is... Its the most horrible and hardest day I've had in a long time... Today I have to face the fact, she is not here, she has passed on, there is no more in this realm of what we see as life... She is and always will be alive in my heart but sad that such a wonderful person has passed on... It still hasn't hit me truthfully that she is gone... I guess I just want to deny it or pretend its not real... In the last day and a half I haven't thought about it or even worried or got sad... I keep telling my self she is going to call and yell at me or something... Or just tell me hey IM at the hospital and IM board with nothing to do... Maybe complaining about some retarded nurse who just got out of school and she's lost in giving the complex meds or get used to how we like it... It cant be, its just not clicking that its real... I fear it will hit me today and I know I will have to face it but I still hope its not real... I know its stupid thinking this way but its easier on myself to be like, well w/e its all not real... I read the obituaries online and it was wonderful... I shall paste it at the end of this blog to remember her Digital wise... Like I always say, its better to be online and have a record that way your never erased, (unless the matrix or terminator hapends) I guess I will give all the details about the entire event that goes on today... Maybe later tonight or tomorrow, that I am not sure... Well if I cant get sleep IM going to my bed and just lay down and watch some TV...

LILMAN X

HERNANDEZ, GENINE, 21, of Hollywood, passed Aug. 3, 2006, beloved daughter Neysa Silver Hernandez & Carlos Hernandez-Campo of Hollywood, cherished sister of Jennifer Hernandez of Boca Raton, adored granddaughter of Arnold & Lydia Silver of Aventura, loving niece of Cecile (Frank) Jacome & Irv David of NMB, dear cousin of Bruce &amp;amp;amp; Andrew Klepper of NMB, Brett & Brooke David of NMB. Our beautiful, sweet, loving little girl is now with God where she may rest in peace for all eternity. We will always love and miss you more than words can describe. In lieu of flowers, family suggests donations to the American Diabetes Association Phone (800) DIABETES or P.O. Box 1131 Fairfax, VA 22038-1131. CHAPEL SERVICES, SUNDAY, AUGUST 6, 2006 AT 2:00 p.m. AT LEVITT- WEINSTEIN CHAPEL AT BETH DAVID MEMORIAL GARDENS, 3201 N.W. 72nd Ave., Hollywood. UNDER THE DIRECTIONS OF BLASBERG-RUBIN-ZILBERT (305) 538-6371 To visit this Guest Book Online, go to www.herald.com/obituaries. Published in The Miami Herald from 8/5/2006 - 8/6/2006.

It's Getting Worse... Pound Away At Me, Please Just Wont Stop..

Today is one of the worst days I have had in the longest time I can last remember... To be honest, I think its just a extreme bad dream that I will wake up from, and it will all be fake... Today a extreme close friend of mine Passed away.... I don't know what to say because its like I talked to her and now she will never be able to talk ever.... Its unreal to me because I saw her in the hospital room as I usually do, but this time was unreal... I was expecting her to get out of this like every single time she is sick, then I yell at her for not doing what she should of and then she takes the turn on doing the same to me.... I can't conceive this... Its not happening that she is gone, its like she was and now she is not, I tried to give my advice, I prayed, something I haven't done in a wile because I was and still am mad at the big man because of what has happened in the last 3 months... I feel as my life just keeps going down the drain and this drain won't end or at least see some light at the end... Its just getting deeper and more dark and I cant get out because IM still falling.... Some times I think maybe if I moved away somewhere else or my karma or its just my luck... I mean I do want to be positive and honestly be happy but I just feel its like this one moment something small or average happends and IM happy then something twice or more happends to be worse than the positive.... Its an observation I've noticed with in the last 3 or so months.... I mean I could write a list or even balance checkers of the bad.... For example, red checker for good and black for bad.... My average would be one king and a few regulars in red and black would have 2 or 3 kings and 3 regulars so I don't get it.... Why her, why did she have to pass on so young... I mean 22 years old, and half spent in the hospital, why could of not it had been some sudent event or at least something with a reason.... Death must have at least closure or something to it, I don't get it.... I wish I could have a convo with her for at least 10 mins, I would give 10 years off of my life to do that.... I knew her for 7 or 8 years, hospital buddy's we met and then we grew on each other.... God why is it always heavy-hearted or hurtful news you bring to us? When will be have something from you besides the gift of life that is joyful or vivacious??


To genine: Genine I love you with all my heart and I always did and will do... I thank you for the greatest gift of having to met you and your family, your mom misses you and every one else who you got to meet... I would give 10 years but you would probably not let me because you would be mad at me... You will always have a place in my heart... I can never forget you and I sure cant go in the hospital or eat a cracker with out thinking of you... Miami children's will always be our place and room 361 will always be our first "dinner" date with the fake flowers which I still have... I hope God and his angles take care of you as good as I tryed to... I love you........

alex

4am Thoughts... No sleep...Once more... (Girls) >_<

Well another night IM up at 4 am and I can't sleep because their is something on my mind and some one... Well two things... First you never know what can happen to a person even when you don't speak to them... Some times you get news about them that you didn't even know and shocking things occur so w/e... All I can say is, I had a right but also I should of not been too much of an asshole, but also when am I an asshole... I actually think I am way, way, way too nice sometimes... Second Maybe girls like assholes or guys that ignore them or something to that degree... I don't know anymore.... Its like I go up and try to get in the game or at least attempt to do good in it but I always strike out or something is against me... I can't figure out where I go wrong or something... I wish some one would tell me or something... Then the other time's its like they like me but I just don't click with them or I just don't feel it... You know its all about feelings I guess you could say but I think to my self a lot... Where did I go wrong... Or what did I do... Do I stink or something (j/K), I mean I always have my doubts about everything... But w/e... I was reading this grate book I guess to get my confidence back or something, its just like I feel like saying " Ok I give up... What do you want from me..) putting my hand up in the air and screaming I surrender or w/e... I guess IM just frustrated because I see my best friend with his girl and then my other best friend... Well he is a different story but at least he is getting something... Me, Nada, Zilch, Nothing, Do not pass Go, Do not collect Shit... I mean I meet a lot of hot girls, but I don't get it... Is it my game, or my rap that I give to them or something... I don't know any of you have idea's... I would like feed back on this one please... Lots of it actually.... Maybe some one can ease my mind..

lilman x >_<

The BIG One.... Transplant ( disappointment)

Yeah so the The BIG One.... Transplant... Was nothing but a BIG disappointment, in a way but, also something good came out of it at the same time. ( If your one of the optimistic type) basically what happened was something like this... I waited until 2pm and then the time came to go into the Operating Room... Ok fine no problem I was ready and stuff and then I remember going under the lovely drugs they give you and I was out... Then I wake up in the O.R. with a tube in my mouth but I was expecting that and also other stuff like lots of drain tubes in my stomach and stuff and a nice big bandage covering everything... Well when I feel over that area I felt my bare stomach.. So I know they didn't do anything.. OH I was pissed off to the tenth power!!! They told me that they could not do anything because I had something wrong with a blood vessel that leads from the heart to the lungs, the pressure was too high to do anything, that I might die if they had gone ahead... Well you all know how hard headed I am so I was like " So dammit it was perfect, take the fucking risk you jack asses" and so on I kept telling them so w/e at the end of the day I was diagnosed with Pulmonary hypertension or PH.... Go figure its rare but it happens... Ahh I have all the luck for the rare shit... Rare liver disease, rare disorder lung or w/e and so on... Read about PH if you want but w/e.... i got it in time taken care of so im good to go.... Good greef what luck I have... Why in the hell I cant harvest this luck to get a girl or win some money... Shit its always the crap instead of the Good... BLAST!! So w/e 3 months I have to treat it and start all over... More pills and drugs... yay.. NOT... I will get it, but also,... I am not a person that always sees in optimistic ways... I am more like... House M.D. I guess you could say...



LILMAN X >_<

(Dr. Gregory House M.D.)

The BIG One.... transplant

Well it finally happened. The BIG decicision. The Big One. The transplant. Here at Jackson just waiting for the jackasses to pick me up at my bedside and take me into my operating room, take out the old liver (by the way I am keeping a piece of the old liver - cool!) and replace it with a new one. Yeah! Brand New Car! Kinda nervous but hell who wouldn't be getting a brand new organ... big stuff... well the outcome will be awesome. no more drinking the nasty stuff. Theoretically health improved and I will be able to go out more... YEAH! ... I also might be famous because I might come out in The Miami Herald thanks to my friend. So look out for me in The Herald... READ THE DAMN PAPER PEOPLE... The reason this all started was I was at the gym chilling with my boy Joe when I got a crazy phone call from Jackson. They told me I must hurry up and get over to the hospital because they had a brand new liver. I sure as hell didn't know what the hell to say and I was kind of scared and anxious. So I just did the me-thing that I always do... Haul ass in my car to my house, blast the music and just worry about it when I get there. Got home, packed, came over here (to Jackson) and now I have been waiting for almost 15 hours.... Good Grief it takes so damn long to get a liver. Geez, I don't even wait this long at McDonald's... JK!... So I know something about the liver. I can train it... >_< ...cool... and it's from a male "thank God no female parts" and it's four years old. So the only bad news about this entire thing is I probably won't be able to drink for a good 4 to 6 years, if all goes well. Now I am gonna go back to my idiot stinking room with my lovely neighbor (NOT) and wait...and wait... and wait ....

>_< lilman X

Writing my mind off...

Well what a hell of a week... Thank god its over and now its the weekend but oh yeah, I am screwed... I cant go out... You ask why, well I shall tell you... It all started with some stupid people deciding I needed to do a bunch of test and one of the test has screwed with my stomach and G.I. track... So now its not fun to be me, if you want my opinion its actually a painful and exhausting experience... On top of that I also have an infection, also I am tired, I have a fever and I feel like shit all the time... This has been now going on week 1 going into week 2 as of Monday... What crap the medical field is... I would go into the hospital but the point of that would be lots of confusion and waste of time because I would miss out on school and a bunch of shit until something would be resolved... I have a appointment for next week at my G.I. Doctors office and who knows... Maybe I will end up in the hospital after all... I don't know, it all depends on how he will see all of this... I hope he can take it as ok lets try treating it at home, but if not he's going to say "why didn't you call me sooner" or "wow this is bad how did it get like this" I will tell him, but I should tell him the truth in my opinion... I should say look your system for appointments suck and the health system sucks because I called you a month ago and your appointment bitch wanted to give me a date for late June... You should advise your retarded Spanish old girls staff that I am a case that when I say IM sick I need to see you ASAP before I get to the point of hospitalisation and crash... W/e IM sick of this shit... I didn't go out last weekend because I had the evil plague cold and this weekend because I feel like shit all feverish and also in pain... All I want to do is go out, have fun, eatshit w/e anything.... AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well w/e I cant do shit because I depend on a person who wasted 6 to 8 years in school to control when I can see him so "I" can tell him how to better my health and what needs to be fixed.... Maybe I should of done like my old former late G.I. doctor Dr. Rene Ruiz-Isasi, Treat your own condition and make friends in the medical community... I hate the medical community so much because of all the bullshit bureaucracy and all kind of crap I have had to deal with them... That's why I didn't become a doctor or didn't want anything to do with any medical crap... I do and never would be one of them... Oh I am sure you say "maybe if you joined them you could change them" Nope, sorry, the mind set of all of them is and has been the same since the 80's when the medical field took off... W/e fuck it, fuck them and IM going to go take a few Advil's (because that what the Doctor "jackass" Told me to do) watch TV and kill something on my PS2... Another lost fucked up week... DAMMIT >_<

LILMAN X