Sleep no more under the tech....

Well today was calm compared to yesterday or I should say the day before today "Friday". Gaby asked me to go fix her PC and wow I was expecting a old Pentium 3 or w/e but hey at least she had windows XP and it was like a 1.8 with 512 ram.. So w/e it works cuz god knows ive pulled crazy shit with a slower computer so w/e cake!... So I just saved all her files and stuff to a portable HD I have and then wiped her system clean... So it was simple... Her dad was there the entire time I was at her house fixing her computer which was fine by me but kinda got a little bit but just a little too much of him there but w/e it was cool I talked to him about cars and computers and the stock market so it was awesome... Oh me and gaby, well she invited so I was like awesome, it was a long time since I was at that place I love that place so w/e it was awesome me her and abunch of her friends, so yeah I had my time with gaby but not alone but hey... I couldn't ask for more because I have a date with her on Monday.... Yeah my stomach started freaking out on me i got all messed up when she was like yes sure... i hate that my body always gets bent out of shape and stuff when im super nerviouse... w/e... So i must figure out were i should take her but i have all day 2marrow to do so and kariokie so im going to bed or at least try because i know im not going to get any sleep thinking about monday...

LILMAN X

PS... WOOOOOOOOHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Crash and BURN! and other stuff....

Well... So i was a little bit right about Crash and burn... Boy did i ever crash and burn... i know its been along time since i wrote so lets see if i can remeber all that happend... I had to take another leave of abcence from school because i ended up in the hospital... What happend was i had a bad cold so we tryed to treat it here at home with arisol and antibiotics so it wouldent turn into nemonea, well alot of good that did i ended up taking a antibiotic called Biaxcen... Ook fine it took all that bad conjestion away but... When it took all that crap away it triggered my stupid Crohn's attack... you know its like, if its not one thing its another... Well so w/e that happend and i had to go into the hospital so we can play the "lets see how we calm the flarup" game... Bla bla bla medication later fine i was out by the end of jun, well since i had to be out of school all that time i (almost sure) lost my job, well maybe not but since i am not in school i cant work because its a student work study program, so w/e a grate job paying $10 an hr so i could do 30 hrs a week and get a nice paycheck bi weekely... w/e so thats gone to hell... Girls... well 1,2,3,4... gone... i am only trying to talk to one because that was driving me crazy and the person that was supposed to come to miami to visit me... CAN'T, so that whent to hell too... Now im just trying to take it easy... Ook B/S who am i kidding, ive been going out alot with my [pop Crew] if you know who they are then good you know most of it, if not ask me... Its been fun hanging out with them because its and older and younger group and at least we are doing stuff i love to do... EX: Partys clubs, Bars, Dancing and so on... i also still hang with the hood team.. AKA julian, jj, j, Xec, carlos and the rest of the crew. So yeah i still go out alot but i so so want to go back to school i feel as im wasting away at my brain and just taking in stuff thats not going to get me intelectualy challanging... I was thinking today about turning on my pc because i have been useing my parents ever since that hard drive died on me and i lost all my pics and some files i think... w/e i guess i will just have to rebuild from scratch... or i will contact ramon and see if he still has my HD... i doubt it and i doubt he fixed it too like he told me but hey maybe i will get lucky... with all the bad luck i have had i might just win this one but you know me i am always a pesamist... now a change of subject... as all of you know i write and alot is about the other sex... GIRLS.... Well here is my delema wich im sure it will change by the next time i write... There is this girl i like.. well ok w/e 2 of them i really like the rest i dont care about... Now Girl 1 is always busy and she kinda lives far but she is a grate student and i really havent been able to hang out with her outside of school but i have like once or twice now girl 2 I also like maybe because i met her not too long ago but w/e shes awsome... super smart and wow what a figure bit tall but so are most of the girls ive always gone out with or w/e... So Now girl 1 i knowen for longer but i dont know if she is going to hang out with me as much as girl 2 can (i think) so im not sure what to do also i havent talked to girl 1 in a long time( 4 days) but i talk alot with girl 2.. SO... yeah my brain is friyed... Well maybe i will find my self some way to pre occupie my self some other way... Well thats about all i have to write about... I dont think anything else exciting has happend.. but hey who knows school starts AUG 22 and i will try to get my job back... "try"

LILMAN X
Oh yeah check out myspace http://www.myspace.com/lilmanx

The crazy life i live... i do but i don't want it....

Well since about last Wednesday shit has been crazy.... good and bad too, the only way to describe it is that it’s been nuts... between work and school and going out to party and trying to have a life is not easy... Wednesday was awesome because Kevin told me about a club called the morgue... no its not were dead people go, but gothic people and rocker people and also all kind of people from all walks of life ... except ghetto peeps... no thugs or wannabes allowed... but it was awesome... I met a girl named Heather there... kind of sexy girl... something about her I don't know what it was but it was like a turn on... could of been the entire gothic look and stuff about her... I def must go again... I loved the music... it was like kind of a euro trance mixed with hard rock mix... The best part was when I was telling heather about my days as a raver and she pulled out 2 LED lights and I was like in love... I was so happy so I went out on the floor and started to rave like I used to back in the old days... I was so tripping out and having a blast it was awesome... after that basically the week was calm until Sunday night.... Sunday night was really crazy because I was supposed to go out with genine to like a club but what ended up happening is that I was hanging out with jj, j, Julian, russle and the rest of the crew... well what happened was that around 9:30 or 10 I got a call from Ximena that Caro was having complications with the pregnancy and it was at Jackson hospital... So I took jj and julian with me to Jackson and we ended up getting pulled over by some asshole cop that thought I jacked my own car and told us to put our hands up, what bullshit that was... I mean they told us to put our hands up and turn the car off and get out of the car all because they thought my car was stolen... stupid asshole cops... Yesterday we were taking some people home again in the northwest area... well since j is always driving joy's car and she knows about it this time the cops saw us dropping off some people at there complex and stopped us... after they stopped us they almost arrested j because his license was suspended and they asked me to drive the car home... imagine me I look like I’m a kid to drive the car home, well it wasn’t bad but I couldn’t see well so it was hard driving the civic all the way in the northwest to southwest it was a crazy drive but it was awesome because the civic had like hand controls sort of like trip tonic stuff… so yeah I took it all the way to my house and then j drove it home I guess… well that was about it …. My situation with the ladies well shit what I can say… SHIT… nothing… no girl wants me and time hates me… I have not time to go any ware or do anything anymore and the girls my friends hang around with all jail bait (underage) so yeah I’m screwed… girl 1, 2, 3, 4 well I haven’t been able to do shit about it because I have no time to do anything or spend time with them to at least show them something about me or get to know them better… life is so hard and I wish it was easier…. All I just want is a girl, be able to relax and be normal… no hectic life of rushing here and making time to relax or enjoy myself and fit everyone into my schedule... everyone seems to have time but me… I’m always trying to squeeze my life other peoples life sleep and school all in to a 16 hr day and get like 4-5 hrs of sleep and do it all over again… crazy shit but w/e that’s my life and I guess something must change or I’m going to burn out before I get what I want…..

The madness just don't stop... shits just crazy and i don't wanna deal with it...

What a week so far and its only monday... Since Wenday of last week shit has just been crazy... everything is just like going out of hand... w/e its late and i will write about it 2marrow morning... lets just say shit can't get any crazyer....

LILMAN X

Well what a weekend it was, good... i mean all i did was sorta party and hang and chill and relax.... carolina's baby shower was this weekend and i got her some awsome carrieing thing there for the baby since i know her and she is always on the go... so besides that i was doing the usal, fat tuesday's with dio and peeps... which is getting kinda old, but im sure its not the last time that we will be going there.... Girls are starting to get to me... deeeply... i don't get them.... some of them play mind games and some are straght out with you about what they want... it seems like the only ones i want are the ones playing mind games or maybe im just bad at transalting what they want to say from there own lingo called FEM.... I thought my friends have showed me the Female lingo but i guess i failed that class... maybe i need to have my gay bestfriend next to me at all times so he can tell me what they are truely saying...lol... Well basicly whats wrong with me is i like a couple of girls... problem is i need to figure out who is right and wrong for me...lets give them names.. Girl 1, Girl 2, and Girl 3. two of the girls i dont know that well as much as i would like to get to know them and Girl 3 i don't know if she even likes me or has an interest in her... I know Girl 1 and Girl 3 longer than Girl 2, but the problem is i really like Girl 3 because i have known her longer and i also know the do's and don'ts which is important... Girl 2 i see almost every other day but i really don't know much about her and i would like to get to know her at least somewhat... Girl 1 i dont see much of or at all but i will soon and Girl 3 i also dont see much but thats because i have to drive kinda far to hang out with but soon she will also be neair me too so... what a delema.... I have no clue what to do but w/e i guess i will just go with what ever happends first...

LILMAN X

A week has passed... Scars

Well so its been a crazy hecktic week-last week and this week is starting iffy, first of all i dont feel well at all, but i am doing my best to do what i have to do. Last week was crazy at work.. lots of stuff happend, i almost erased the stupid computer that has all the info that we copy to all the computers in the school because of my " CO- WORKER'" but w/e it sliped her mind and my boss didnt get that pissed off, but it can be fixed, well the weekend was good sorta, i wanted to do alot like get the lights that me and Dio got at the junk-yard but of course nothing happends like it should so that didn't happen at all... instead we just did an oil change on his truck and whent to the grove to fat-tuesdays and we were supposed to go to Los-olas and have fun but nooooo!!! We all gatherd up way to late to drive 1 hr out of miami to go to broward. Well fat-tuesdays was fun sorta because Dio saw some people he know and they were there chilling with a bunch of girls so w/e i got my fair share of danceing and grinding in with them... The only bad part was that he kept bitching and bitching like a wineing little punk about how he made reservations at rusty pellican and this girl didnt call him back and he didnt get her why she didnt call him and bla bla bla... so i did a simple solution... >_< i got him nice and trashed :) ... and also set him up with the girl who knew how to dance, the dirtyiset.. lol ... besides that nothing really much happend this weekend... oh friday i was russhing like a loonatic to go see my friend in her prom dress.. she looked awsome and i was so proud of her.... she didnt take a date so i didnt have to worry about the after prom factor... (if you dont know what the after prom factor is use your imagination) I havent been online in such a long time i havent had the time or anything... i miss talking to my online friends and most of all roxy... hope she is doing ok... well hopfuly i will be online soon... as soon as i get some free time to work on my pc... Well back to work...

LILMAN X

This song is like my new theam...

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
I'm Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed 'cause you came around
Why don't you just go home?
'Cause I channeled all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane
All I can say is...

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
And my weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassion's in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shoulda' never come around
Why don't you just go home? '
Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand

Go fix yourself

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

[Chorus x2]

I took her out It was a friday night... CRAZY WEEKEND...

So yeah what a weekend i had, i think i havent gone partying like that in a long time... Thursday Friday and Sat... I think the people at phat Tuesday's know me by now... Oh small correction on my priviouse blogg The girls i listed is by order, the numbers dont mean the amount of girls but in the order i have met them... Ok back to the weekend story... Well so basicly it was 3 str8 days of party after party after party... I whent with Dio and the tall skinny venesolano out to Fat Tuedays ... It was so awsome i had so much fun... i havent had that much fun in a long time.... I will write more later on in the week about it...

LILMAN X

What a long Week...

Well its been about a week since i have last wrote, and it sure has been hecktic... Work has been harsh... i sure havent been feeling 100% or even like 90% but everyone that knows me i always look 100% even when i feel like 40% power of what i should be... Well today was crazy and last night was awsome too... i was chilling with my new homie Dio and we decited to go to Fat-tuesdays, bar/clubish chill place, and it was good i met 2 girls one from Germany and the other from Oman, somewhere way the hell out in the middle east accourding to her, go figure, last time i was at a club or someplace like it i met this girl that lives exactly on the other side of the world... wonder who it is...? >_< how i would love to hang out with this girl and get to know her but they all seem to just live on oppiset sides of the world... just my luck... lets see a small list of girls that i have met that don't live im miami; 1 Girl from tennessee, 2 Girl from panama, 3. girl from colombia, 4. girl from peru, 5. girl from lebanon, now add german girl and the other one from way out there and lets not forget the semi-crazy girl i knew from canada( who i dont speak to) so yeah... not one from miami or at least the same state... Good greef well screw it, i guess other cultures like this El cubano... Tonight i am going out agen even if i do or dont feel good so who knows what a crazy night this will be... hey maybe i will go way east and maybe japan or china? i doubt it but hey who knows... well Eat, Iorn cloths, shower, shave, and get dressed all pimped out to go out tonight...

LILMAN X

Roxy, hope to see you soon sorry i havent been online its been
CARAZY

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!!... anotherday .... weekend over

BLAST!... Its sunday and the weekend is almost over... Well it was good weekend so far, kinda busy but awsome... Friday was a casual chill day at my house mostly but it was relaxing, Sat was awsome i did alot of stuff on Sat. My morning started off with a radio lollipop semi-anual training wich was awsome then after that i whent to a picnic which my school had for everyone. It was fun but no big deal because the only people i chilled was a few peeps i knew from school and that was about it... After that i was hanging with Dio and we were at some chicks house and we were helping her move in to some new house there so we played Mr. fix it guys ...AKA (bitchies) and did what handy house work was needed... after that i whent to target to get my mom her card for mothers day and after that i was supposed to go to a club with Dio but i was so tierd from doing the handy bitch job that i was im not going to stay out late.... Well so i call Dio and hes like everyone is tierd so forget it im staying home, so i meet up with Terrell and Luis at BK and chill for a bit then i bounced to jj's house to drop off the network cable i made him and to have him come with me a sec to Dio's house to pick up some blackbarrys we need to hack and j, julian, and tiffany end up going with us... well so this quick chill with the crew lasted up to about 4am more or less, we ended up looking for people to race in j's car and eating shit blasting some fire crackers and of course everyone that knows me knows what happends when alex is sleep deprived... ( I GO CRAZY) so as we are eating shit tossing fire crackers out the window wile driving i hang out the window with julian hanging on to my paints and im screeming to people we pass or who ever on the stree.... ( " Hey Im Coco Loco man, you dont know me, im crazy, my moms afraid of me... and so is my dog man" with a wierd mexican phyco acent) so yeah that was the crazy Sat i had yesterday... I got up today at... 12 and now i am on my way to my grandmothers house and i have to go to terrells house And later, get my power locks and windows kit...so this should be a rather... more relaxed day.... i hope... hell who knows....

LILMANX X

Roxy please stay safe and becarful... i worrie about you alot...
sorry i missed you online, but well you can tell why...
miss ya

Rain...semi-kinda better sick....

Well so i didn't go to school today at all, actualy i called in sick and stayed home... i had no choice, since now im all into school hard core and i also have a job and i am making mad money i wanted to go but i felt too shitty to go... so i slept most of the day untill about 3 when i got up and decited to go online for most of the day, kinda hopeing some one would go on... but oh well it was cut short anyways because around 5 a nasty thunderstorm came and i didnt want my electronics to fry so i turned everything off, and tryed to sleep... everyone who knows me, knows i hate thunder since i was kinda struck by lightning and my fear of electricity due to it being attracted to me... go figure, i cant get a woman but electricity loves me...>_<>_< ..... anyways..... i have this song stuck in my head all day long... its by the killers, its called Mr. Brightside... Love the lyrics i want the album... i will aquier it... soon... Well its getting late and im going to bed... School and work... then the weekend... WOOT!

LILMAN X

The Killers - Mr. Brightside

I'm coming out of my cage
And I’ve been doing just fine
Gotta gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I’m falling asleep
And she’s calling a cab
While he’s having a smoke
And she’s taking a drag
Now they’re going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it’s all in my head
But she’s touching his—chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, let me go
I just can’t look its killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it’s just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
‘Cause I’m Mr Brightside

1x repeat

I never...I never...I never...

I'm not sick, but I'm not well part 2

Im sick, but i know at least i can fight it, a simple but anoying cold is what i have... I hate being all stuffy... I was so happy to check my email today in class, i got cards from roxy... it made my day to see she sent me somthing... i miss talking to her online... i want nothing more than to fic my stupid pc and be online 24/7... its been a hell of a bitch to get online in the last few weeks since my pc is down and i dont want to use my parents since they keep telling me to fix mines... its just that the studpid western-digital HD i have i cant do anything untill that guy gives it back to me and i can RMA it so i can get a new one and rebuild my PC Empier..... well im feeling crappy so i am going to take something and go to bed early... i will get rid of this damm cold... i will write more 2marrow if class is slow...

LILMAN X

Roxy i miss you but i will find a way to talk
to you online some how soon...

I'm not sick, but I'm not well

im sick

Don't waste your time on me your already the voice inside my head, I miss you... "thoughts"

Well so i got up a bit late this morning, not my usal up at 6am and out by 6:40 or 7. but w/e i didnt sleep last night much because i had a lot of stuff on my mind like relationships and stuff like that... Its been a wile since i have had a girlfriend or a girl to call my own, i feel like im left out in the cold when i see all my friends with there girls having fun and enjoying eachothers company... what i enjoy about it is not the physical or emotional connection but more like having some one i can talk to and tell my deep feelings and thoughts to... ive tryed looking but being me is not easy because i have a few challenges i have to over come befor i can have them be my girl... first challenge is i must be attracted to them some how... since im no built up muscle man i have to charm them and talk to them which actualy takes alot out of me mentaly... then after i over come that i have to find out if they like me and exactly how... as a firend as a possible b/f and so on... after that major challenge which i beleave is my biggest and hardest one to acomplish because even if i look like i have no fear and show no fear i feel so scared to be shot down but its not even that its that some times i just feel inferior to other good looking guys who get hot chicks and they are such assholes to the girls and here i am a nice guy somewhat good looking and i get put off to the side for a bigger looking piece of meat... (sigh) but what can i do, i just want some one who cares about me and i can connect with... thats mostly what has been on my mind lately... On a diffrent subject its been an ok day, i had a test and i passes it with an 83% so i got an awsome grade... well its like 11:30 and i am in class so im going to stop writing about my stupiditys and pay some attention... i work all day till 8 so yay fun for me...

LILMAN X

this song reminds me of my loveless love life...


Blink-182 lyrics
Song: I Miss You Lyrics

(I miss you, miss you)
Hello there the angel from my nightmare
The shadow in backround of the morgue
The unsespecting victim of darkness in the valley
We can live like Jack and Sally if we want
Where you can always find me
And we'll have Halloween on Christmas
And in the night we'll wish this never ends We'll wish this never end

Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness comes creeping on so haunting everytime
And as I stared I counted the webs from all the spider
scatching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call youAnd hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop this pain tonightstop this pain tonight

Don't waste your time on me your already the voice inside my head

I miss you miss you

Screwed, Pissed off, drowning...

Well this weekend was ok... but kinda sucked. My brand new 200GB hd craped out on me on sunday... i was sitting at home and i transferd some info over to it and i had to leave because i got a call that a friend of mine had a problem with there computer so i come home around midnight and when i get there i hear a clicking sound... well it turned out to be the clicking sound of doom .... the hd died on me or is dieing on my... i asked a few teachers at school what i can do to recover the data.... one told me im screwd one told me im safe for a few and one told me to try some soft ware so we will see what happends ... i miss talking to roxy... i wonder how she is doing and if she misses me ... i know i miss her... i just want my pc fixed and ready to go... soon i will have it fixed and done ... i have to, well its time to go to work... if its a slow day i will come back and write more if not.. there is always 2marrow...

LILMAN X

Catch me if you can

Well so its been a busy week and its also been good too ... I love my job its super awsome and chill like, because i mean its easy for me because i know it and the material and stuff so its cool beacuse gorge is awsome... i love it because we all work togeather and coaparate as a team... Sofia is awsome... bit i would say moody or even pusshy but she is cool and i dont mind it, since i am used to it from doris( who i havent seen in years... but hey shes from newyork so its cool... i talked to roxy the other day and she loved the E-cards i sent her, since her school was giving her a hard time i thought it would be nice to cheer her up. i know what it is to be all stressed out becuase of school... just 2.5 months and we can hang out. since i have no one to spend my money on or just dont have firends to go out clubbing like i used to i can just save and spend later ... :) eh ... who am i kidding i am cheep, j/k.. gotta go to work .. write later

LILMAN X

Harsh days and work work work....

Wow it seems since i started working i havent had time for my self at all since like sunday. Its been super crazy because i am trying to do everything i can possible but im squeezing in hrs in my 24hr life... I am trying to do my max 30hrs so i can get payed my full paycheck.. well like my mom told me its money that i am getting in now that i didnt have befor... so i guess she is right.. i want to go out and relax like i did but hey i dont care i am getting payed and i guess i will save up for the weekends.... Time is but the past ... write more when i get a chance

LILMAN X

Another night another day and it will always be...

So its been a wile since i have written in my blogg... i know i am bad about writing in here it just has been one crazy week... Well first thing is first... i took my A+ exam, failed; but not by much... at least 2 stupid questions but w/e its a stupid test and i now know whats on it so w/e, it will be easyer next time. So w/e dissapointed about that but the best news of all is that i got a job! I work at my school with the head M.I.S. guy george, he is so cool i make my own HRs i work 30 hrs a week wich is part time and i get payed $10 an hr so i think thats damm good. So basicly at work all i do is fix pc's, network printers and do maintanince on what needs fixing and mess around with Patch5 cable to connect pcs to... So thats about all i can think of right now... im kinda burnt out from the crazy week i have had so i am going to sleep as much as i can... Roxy i miss you alot and i want to talk to you, soon i will have some free time, soon... hope your ok ...

LILMAN X

Freedom of the brain, or at least untill sunday....

Ok so my pc has been screwd for the past week... well shit it anit my fault... so my video card blew out... well more like was there and fried it self to a death basicly... the fan is not working at all and the basterds at MSI didnt want to replace it cuz its out of warranty... well so i got a good 3 years out of it... would of been nice just a little bit longer but w/e.... I might start working at FCC (school) part time wich would be cool because i get EXP and i gain a little more info on the way the school works but, who cares because i do know most of the dirty doos there so w/e... but it will be $$$ comming in... YAY FOR THAT... i dont know what i am going to spend my paycheck on but i will save i will tell you that.. i mean what expences do i have .... fule, eating out like Mc'eds and stuff like that .... depending on how much i get a week i will have the following by may : PSP, NEON or LED underglow on my car, and other little stuff on my car... Well wishful thinking... but hey i do have the moon in somthing or w/e lol i know how to spend basicly my astro chart tells me... so anyways i am going to bed because i need to get up early to help out katia... fun .... Who knows when i will fix my pc... maybe after i take my A+ core exam... no worries untill sunday... party party, and more party... :)

LILMAN X

ps roxy i miss talking to you but as soon as the madness passes i will contact you

HELP ME FROM MY SEMI-Charmed kinda life

Well what a day or 2 days its been it has sure been crazy.... Broken pc, mostly its my video card thats all screwed up and i need to buy a new one but w/e my moms getting for me... so today i had to go to school and i had to make up alot of work and now i just want to go home and relax but i cant because i have to still go home get stuff and katia has not called me and this is the last week of the fair... i feel like screaming and going crazy and i cant... but anyways i am going to go to luis class do his make up work and stuff and i also have to schedual stuff for my A+... I AM GOING CRAZY! so what now... roxy im sorry i havent been online but i have alot of stuff to do... just please do me a favor and check this site as much as you can to keep in contact with you...

LILMAN X......... >_< crazy

Computer is down for the time... Sigh >_<

Well today so sucked... i mean i was haveing a good night last night and i came home and my pc whent screwy ... i think my video card is screwd so i have to replace it.... i mean its only 3 years old and it shouldent be acting up like this... i installed some old cheepy card for the time being but i think the O.S. (operating system, windows xp) is all messed up and im going to have to reinstall it all over agen... well i guess what i might as well do is add a few new things like maby a new controller card for all my hard drives and i will finish sorting out all the junk that i have.... well its super late and i am super tierd and it sure has been along day so i am going to bed.... by thursday my pc should be up and running... (i hope)


LILMAN X

Roxy if i am not online dont worrie just email me or somthing
untill i can chat with you on msn

Cant get away from forgetting...

Well so yesterday was an awsome day i hung out with the guys for a bit, it was j, jj, juliho, and like 2 other cats all riding around in our cars getting crazy... lets just say we were looking for racers around miami and we had fun... Well today for some odd reson i have not been able to take a friend of mine who i havent seen in years and i havent talked to in a wile... i really did like her for a long time and i still do but the realality is that i most probably will never see her for a long time so there is no reason for me to even think about her, but today has been like a big, bigh reminder of her becuase when i turned on my winamp i heard "the song" the one that reminds me of her and then i was like ok so i turned on my media player to watch some music vids and another song came up that also reminds me of her... its like ok a little bit odd so then i tryed to for get about it by cleaning my room and i found some old letters and notes she wrote to me so that was just dammit... so i thought i would write about it... i miss her alot and i wonder how she is doing ... well w/e its just me thinking stupid agen... seems like every girl i ever cared for just up and left... w/e se la ve... well im off to get some pc stuff ... i will write later tonight maybe about tonights adventures because today is terrells latst day at tiger :( but w/e he hates it and i dont blame him...

LILMAN X


ESTOY AQUI
(miss you)

Almost back to one

What a night i had last night... i feel much better... no i didnt go out but i did take a nice hot shower and sorta slept good... i did have like withdraw symtems felt all ickish... So today was like a trip i thought it was thursday well like an hr it will be but w/e i thought it was thursday and tomarrow was friday so i was like all worped and twisted... ah what a day so i was like chilling here all day and i didnt do much... i found out about a band named MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE Awsome group they have this one song named Helena awsome song... i talked to roxy today i was so happy to talk to her... i wish she would just get here so we could hang out ... well 2marrow i am attemting to get back to my life after all the crap thats happend...

LILMAN X

HOME !!!! FROM HELL !!!

So i was suposed to be at jackson hospital for a few days and it turned into a week.... Well a lil more trust me i was counting the days and they wernt fun at all... USALY i go to miami childrens hospital were they actualy have a brain and they know what they are doing... and i mean at this place it was like taking a old outdated hospital and putting retards in the positions of the doctors and nurse... WTF do they only let you in if your a nurse reject... and i know i am 22 but geez stop telling me i look young... thank god i am home were i can take care of my self... im going to bed 2marrow i will write about all the bad shit they did to me and what i had to do to battle myself out of there....


LILMAN X

Song... Cowboy BeBop-The Real Folk Blues

Tests and more medical bullshit

Well so like im leaving the house in a few to go to jackson hospital to be admited so my new doctor can do more test.... Fun i know... I dont know any of the staff there or anyone... well this should be intresting... i hope all gos well... well i should have a hell of a story when i get back... I should be back by WED or Thursday the latest, if not somthing has gone wrong... which im sure it wont because if it douse i will get the hell out and go to MCH... TIME FOR BATTLE!!! >_<

LILMAN X

ps... roxy dont worrie i should be fine.... TO MY CREW...DAMMIT CALL MY CELL TO VISIT ME! and yes i will have a brain stew wile i am there....

The next 3 days...

Well so its like almost 11 and 2marrow is monday... i really dont want the next 3 days to come. I have to do 2 tests 2marrow... i dont even think i am ready to take them... I really havent studyed for them and i know mentaly i am not prepared to... I have to go to jackson hospital to have an indoscopy done because i have been cramping alot... what sucks is i hate this decition but i have to do it... i rather have it done at MCH because i know the staff there but since the G.I. team and i dont get along i have no other choice... I know i am not going to do good on that test because all i have on my mind is the indoscopy... I dont know anyone there, i dont know how the staff is like or how stupid or smart they are when it comes to what i have... Sigh...

LILMAN X

The Rats Nest Clean Up

So its like 3 am and i can't sleep as usal... I should be tierd after all the cleaning i did all day long, i picked up my room and sorted all the junk that i had stacked up on my desk and all over my room wich was alot... i mean my room is not big at all but damm i didnt know i could keep so much junk in this rats nest as i call it... Yesterday i forgot to write but i had fun... I chilled mostly with the guys, basicly all we did was drive around town looking for stuff to do but there wasent much to do actualy... Tryed to chase down this undercover cop who was in a racer like car, but we lost him on the road and couldent find him the rest of the night. Oh the most awsome part was we found this Civic all smashed and parked in some parking lot and no one has clamed it in about 2 days... So me and the guys are going to try to see if we can Towe it to J's house and strip it for parts Its like a total loss and i think some one just diched it there so who knows what we are going to do with it... I mean mostly i dont want anything to do with it but shit if it has bad ass parts i want some of it... mostly the nice wing on it or maybe the lights... Anyways.... Oh man i was like waiting all day for roxy to go online and like i missed her twice... the first time i was alseep but it was 5 am and the second time i was waiting and waiting and i actualy fell asleep for like 10 mins reading my book and when i came back i saw she was offline like 3mins after i woke up and checked my log file.. damm, well i hope she is ok... i really wanted to talk to her but i guess i will catch her some other time... 2marrow cleaning part 2 and i have to study for a major test on monday but i will be online so if "YOU" happen to be online please IM ME... Time to sleep got to get up early...

LILMAN X

Too sleepy...

I am so tierd... im way too sleepy to write about my day... i have been up since 6 am... i will write 2marrow when i wake up... sleep time....

LILMAN X ^_^

Same Crap with a twist of brain stew

So like i told you befor i didnt go out and do anything... fucked up but w/e what can i do about people that dont call back or chicken out on going out... W/e fuk the bullshit... Now, since i didnt do crap all night i started building a Webpage for my self, yeah i know i have one but its time to make an uptodate one and grow up from that old Nukeliar wate land of an old website... I will create somthing not too complex but simple that its just some info pics and thats about it.... I wonder How roxy is... They were haveing a big Rally over there in lebanon but im sure shes ok... I cant wait to see her.. Here in miami that is, maybe we can hang out and party and stuff... I want to get to know her more... Infact why the hell am i writeing about this instead of telling her... Duh im sure shes going to read this and think im a dork >_< ... anyways its almost 2 so im going to get ready for bed... Nice hot shower and jam to some 93 ROCK befor i sleep...
All I have to say is GREENDAY- BRAIN STEW....

LILMAN X

School, Doctor, and doing nothing....

Well so today another day of going to school and learning... Well more like taking another test and going over it wich takes for ever for some reason... I had a doctors appt at 2 with my GI... Well good news and bad news... The good part is that i am doing so far so good with my meds the bad news is i have a strickture... (narrowing of the intestions) bummer i know, so they have to do some tests and stuff see if i might have to have an operation... Fun... W/e I am used to it by now and i have to deal with it... Well its almost 10pm and i so want to go out and i have no clue on what my peeps are doing so ... Duh i am stuck here at home with nothing to do... i hope some one calls me or i will just grab some junk food and be a lazy bum and do nothing as usal... So i was driveing today blasting a grate song .. Teenage dirtbag by WHEATUS i think im going to add it as my intro song to the site...

LILMAN X

WHEATUS - Teenage dirtbag

Her name is Noel

I have a dream about her

She rings my bell

I got gym class in half an hour

Oh how she rocks

In Keds and tube socks

But she doesn't know who I am

And she doesn't give a damn about me

Cause I'm just a teenage dirtbag baby

Yeah I'm just a teenage dirtbag baby

Listen to Iron Maiden baby with me

not much but not at all...

So today yet another day that i didnt do much, just the usal i guess you could say... I am now really worried about my friend in lebanon i hope she is ok cuz i have been reading on the news shits kinda getting bad over there at times... So i picked up terrell and hung out with him and that was about it... we just whent to Elpinguino's house to chill and that was about it... Now im going to sleep i have a long day ahead of me... lots of home works and shit to do....

LILMAN X

scrub, wash and chill..

So today was w/e layed back i didnt do much just stayed at home and wased my car.... Since i havent wased my car in such a long time actualy its been about 2months since i have wased my car now that i remeber i gave it a good scrubbing... So it took me a wile to was the car and it came out awsome...
too bad it was almost sundown or it would of looked alot better and you could tell the true shine of it... Well i havent seen my friend from lebanon online in a few... i hope she is doing ok... i have been reading about stuff happining over there but i dont know whats going to happen.. so its like hella late and im super tierd im going to bed 2marrow i will ... might... maybe... probly not do some homework but who knows what im going to do for sure...

LILMAN X

Yesterdays adventures of drunken stupidness and relaxing

Well so yesterday was intresting.. It was 2 of my friends B-days, colleen and kevin So the day started off by getting my ass up hella early to do about 20 things... NOT... Actualy i was like up at 11am just because the day befor i was up till about 4 am as usal. So then i was just chilling all day and then at noight we were going to celibrate kevins 21'st b-day, duh we had to get his ass drunk off his mind. So we hit up the ALE HOUSE on kendall and well got him good and fu-bar-ed up. so then after that we had so much fun at Dave and busters collecting teckets to get some cool blowup hammers that we smacked the hell out of eachother with. That was the best part of the night because it felt like we were in highschool agen being all playful and goofy... i was loving it. So after the 5 of us hit eachother over and over with the blowup hammers we just split and i whent to see colleen at the Doral ALE HOUSE... Well it was me colleen some guy there that likes rachel with her and 2 other people... W/e stupid things happend like drunken people usaly do but w/e i dont care... i never drink to get drunk i drink for the flavor of it... After some drama broke out and i was like making sure colleen was ok i just came home and whent to sleep around like 5 or so... Today i just chilled at home relaxing because i have class and lollipop 2marrow and i might go out after that... Well thats about it, dont know why i keep updating this thing if no one really looks at it but maybe its my way of Venting my problems... Some times its good to write...

LILMAN X

Semi Charmed Kind of Life (BULLSHIT)

So like its been about a month since i have writen in here and so what... bite me because i havent had the time or the abillity to... umm lets see whats new with me... my pc is working agen... sorta... Ummm... my grandmother died wile i was in the hospital in feb for about 2weeks, i couldent go to the funarl, so that sucked... I still have no girl, school is giveing me greef because i am missing so much school because we all know how much i love to get sick and go to CLUB HELL (mch). So besides that... oh yeah i have some minor problems with my car that i have to fix but w/e least of my problems and then i also have a problem with the "transplant team" because now they want a new entier set of test and i havent a clue of how im going to get them all togeather, my doctors are all driving me crazy because some say i cant go to MCH any more but some do say i can go if i want to... then if thats not enough shit to deal with, my social life still sucks most of the time. i have too much stress for me to deal with.. but hey i always do somthing to pull me out... i feel like pulling my hairs out and screaming at the same time but, i stay cool most of the time.... Now to more inportant stuff as if what you just read wasent important... I have to finish My schooling or at least this end of it... reinroll with the school to get my Asociets, besides that my pc is still all scatterd and unorganized but hey it just matches the rest of my problems... At least im going to be moving my room into a little bit bigger room in this house and that should be fun or disastoriouse... i wish i had a girl who would take my problems away and be by my side.. (fat chance of that) So thats about all my problems for now... i think i have enough to deal with at the moment so w/e. My goil for this month is to have as much fun as i can and relax and enjoy myself and take care of all my problems too... so my friend in lebenon might be comming over which would be awsome but bad at the same time because that means shits bad over there, so... i dont know. Well its like 7 and im going to get dressed and go out and have fun cuz im not staying home tonight... Heres a song to live by

LILMAN X

Third Eye Blind - Semi-Charmed Life

I'm packed and I'm holding
I'm smiling, she's living, she's golden, she lives for me
She says she lives for me, Ovation, Her own motivation,
She comes round and she goes down on me,
And I make her smile, Like a drug for you,
Do ever what you want to do, Coming over you,
Keep on smilin', what we go through. One stop to the rhythm that divides you,
And I speak to you like the chorus to the verse,
Chop another line like a coda with a curse,
Come on like a freak show takes the stage.
We give them the games we play, she say,
I want something else,
to get me through this,
Semi-charmed kind of life, baby, babyI want something else,
I'm not listenin when you say,Goodbye?

MY PC IS DOWN FOR THE MOMENT >_<

FUCK, SHIT, DAMMIT, MOTHER FUCKER, HORSE SHIT, DIPPITY FUCKING A!.... My pc is not working due to no mouse working... im not sure if its the ps2 port or the mouse its self but im going to find out but i am not sure and it sure pissed me off... Well i am at terrells house for the moment and then i am going to go out tonight... 2marrow i am going to remake my system...


LILMAN X

MY PC IS DOWN FOR THE MOMENT!!

Triping the dream world, with twist of huh?

So i woke up this morning with this weardo trip dream, it was like the wierdest thing... I felt like i was taken back in time with me in it as when i used to do the clubbing thing... Like when i used to be big on the culbing thing, so w/e it was the old crew but with some new peoples sort of, like i think it was the old crew but they felt like new peeps that i knew or met... So i like woke up and whent back to sleep and it was the same thing but it was like now mixed with the past, like i was young but i had my car and it was all pimped out, so w/e i am shooting the shit with the club peeps and then it was chill i was with some chick and partying, danceing and stuff... weard i know but w/e. Oh yeah so my burnt day i had yesterday was like an insomia and... ok so i am bullshiting, what happend was the day befor i was out all day long, i woke up like around 7am on a sunday because katia wanted to go to the beach and it was fun so w/e i whent with her got a little burnt, ok so i got burnt on my back and then after i picked up terrell and alain and then we triped over to were julian (juliho - miami one) works, stoped by and then after we diped to just eat shit for about 2 hrs and then during our adventures in board-land we got the munchies and we whent to some Checkers were this nice girl working the window had to deal with alain and terrell... Ayyy so like alain as usal making his comments and stuff terrell doing his own thing so w/e it was so funny, i ws just in the car embarised thinking omg stop with the stupidity, but w/e it was funny... I think terrell got her name and # but im not sure, im sure one day we will go back one day... So besides that yesterday was fun yet another day of staying out late and doing stuff... Myself terrell and luis whent to kazola's the origanl awsome place to eat pizza, damm i havent been there since about the times i used to go clubbing in the grove, its been awile... The place has changed-somewhat but it still rules... So we chilled and had fun and whent to publix after and that was so much fun... lol i told terrell to grab the cart with the kid car in the front... Sick sad part is that i fit inside of it and also to add i had a damm good view of well you can imagen as they walked by... then after back to terrells then to katias house for a wile and then home around 3am... Well thats about it, just had to catch up and now im going to watch capten ron and chill and relax...

LILMAN X

Sleepy, board,tierd, burnt....

Ok so i am in class at the moment and i have the worst case of sleepy tierdness in the world... this so so sucks and i also have the worst keyboard in class... dammit i willcontiune this after class when i get home and nap for a wile...

LILMAN X

Slumber of the 5

Well so yet agen I cant sleep... dammit why do I have this insomniac so bad I don't know...W/E cant do shit about it but just stay up until I am sleepy and pass out... I only have 5 Hrs to sleep until I wake up I am sure by the time I go to sleep it will be 4... Katia wants to go to the beach 2marrow, its kinda too cool out to be going but hey what the hell why not... As long as I get to chill with her I am happy.. So I had a good day, didn't do much just chill at home and relax then go out with the guys witch was cool. Saw Julian, (from the hood) and hanged out at terrells house and then just chilled... Talked to a friend of mine from way east, so I was glad talking to her. It makes my day when I get a chance to talk to her, she's so cool, calm, and collective. Too bad she is not down here, but I know once she comes down for the summer we will hang... I hope... So anyways my eyes are dry, and I cant sleep... So I am going to attempt to sleep... Tonight's song is ... Common- The light

LILMAN X

Common- The Light

Yeah..Doo-doo-doo, mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm..Doo-doo-d-doo, diggy-doo YO..I never knew a luh, luh-luh, a love like this Gotta be somethin for me to write this Queen, I ain't seen you in a minuteWrote this letter, and finally decide to send it Signed sealed delivered for us to grow together Love has no limit, let's spend it slow foreverI know your heart is weathered by what studs did to youI ain't gon' assault em cause I probably did it too Because of you, feelings I handle with careSome niggaz recognize the light but they can't handle the glare You know I ain't the type to walk around with matchin shirtsIf relationship is effort I will match your work I wanna be the one to make you happiest, it hurts you the mostThey say the end is near, it's important that we close.... to the most, high Regardless of what happen on him let's rely There are times.. when you'll need someone..I will be by your side..There is a light, that shines,special for you, and me..Yo, yo, check it It's important, we communicate and tune the fate of this union, to the right pitch I never call you my bitch or even my booThere's so much in a name and so much more in you.Few understand the union of woman and man And sex and a tingle is where they assume that it landBut that's fly by night for you and the sky I write For in these cold Chi night's moon, you my light If heaven had a height, you would be that tall Ghetto to coffee shop, through you I see that all Let's stick to understandin and we won't fall For better or worse times, I hope to me you call So I pray everyday more than anything friends will stay as we begin to laythis foundation for a family - love ain't simpleWhy can't it be anything worth having you work at annuallyGranted we known each other for some timeIt don't take a whole day to recognize sunshine

There are times.. when you'll need someone..I will be by your side, oh darlingThere is a light, that shines, special for you, and me..Yeah.. yo, yo, check itI t's kinda fresh you listen to more than hip-hopand I can catch you in the mix from beauty to thrift shopPlus you ship hop when it's time to, thinkin you fresh Suggestin beats I should rhyme to At times when I'm lost I try to find youYou know to give me space when it's time to My heart's dictionary defines you, it's love and happinessTruthfully it's hard tryin to practice abstinenceThe time we committed love it was real good Had to be for me to arrive and it still feel goodI know the sex ain't gon' keep you, but as my equalit's how I must treat you As my reflection in light I'ma lead youAnd whatever's right, I'ma feed you ..Digga-da, digga-da, digga-da, digga-digga-da-daYo I tell you the rest when I see you, peace...

There are times.. when you'll need someone..I will be by your side..There is a light, that shines, special for you, and me..(I'll) take my chances.. before they pass.... pass me by, oh darling..You need to look at the other side..You'll agree..

I'm having trouble trying to sleep (GREEN DAY-Brain Stew)

>_< <~~~ Screwy day....

So my day was a long, and tiering one... Class was today, This was the friday when i was suposed to go to class, the make up day that my teacher screwd up last time. So w/e class as usal, bla bla bla linux and more usless stuff that will be outdated soon i am sure. then after i left to go hang with katia, she wanted to go shoping and do stuff since she was board and off and had nothing to do, nah j/k i am sure she just wanted to hang out so it was cool, we shoped, i picked out some stuff for her but she didnt like it because she is not a 100% girly girl... your typical miami girl if you know what i mean, so we compromised on jeans and she got it because it looked good and she knew she could not resist my taste... lol nah it was good on her so she got-em. So then after that it was about 4 so we jetted to her house to chill ( me fix problems on her pc and be abused by her picking at my face {long story} wile i scream) and see E.R. and hang... So we installed lisure sute larry and stuff so we ( I ) were a little too much into the game so we kinda lotst track of time so i got home like at 9 when i should of been home earlyer because i was tierd but w/e. I was also enjoying myself when we were driving, jamming to my music in the car, mostly it was greenday and one prodigy song, but it was fun blasting the music. So now its like 4AM, i cant sleep, i dont know why but w/e i am going to watch E.R. and atempt to sleep so here is somthing to go by.... NIGHT NIGHT

LILMAN X


(GREEN DAY-Brain Stew)
I'm having trouble trying to sleep
I'm counting sheep but running out
As time ticks by
And still I try
No rest for crosstops in my mind

On my own... here we go

My eyes feel like they're gonna bleed
Dried up and bulging out my skull
My mouth is dry
My face is numb
fucked up and spun out in my room

On my own... here we go

My mind is set on overdrive
The clock is laughing in my face
A crooked spine
My sense's dulled
Passed the point of delerium

On my own... here we go

My eyes feel like they're gonna bleed
Dried up and bulging out my skull
My mouth is dry
My face is numb
fucked up and spun out in my room

On my own... here we go

Death to the stupid one... (shampo voice) I KILL VINCENT

It was 7 am... A nice day and time to wake up... Took a long nice shower, Relaxed, then off to school... Walked inside... AND THERE WAS NO FUCKING SCHOOL! My stupid dum ass teacher who is a frekan Idiot told me to go to class today because monday was a holaday... Well the make up day is not till next week friday... I want to kill him i got up for nothing early this morening.... I HATE GETTING UP EARLY~! Well i am going to go take care of some stuff since i am up early for no reason.... damm the day... i am going to make somthing better out of it....


LILMAN X

Death to the stupid one... (shampo voice) I KILL VINCENT

It was 7 am... A nice day and time to wake up... Took a long nice shower, Relaxed, then off to school... Walked inside... AND THERE WAS NO FUCKING SCHOOL! My stupid dum ass teacher who is a frekan Idiot told me to go to class today because monday was a holaday... Well the make up day is not till next week friday... I want to kill him i got up for nothing early this morening.... I HATE GETTING UP EARLY~! Well i am going to go take care of some stuff since i am up early for no reason.... damm the day... i am going to make somthing better out of it....


LILMAN X

If I could have just a moment of you {} would I be wanting more? {} If I could have a taste of you {} would I be addicted? {} If I could have just A..

Thinking, sitting, playing, hopeing, wishing, wondering, thinking some more, and waiting.... Well so my thoughts the last few days have been about a girl mostly that I care dear for but I wonder what the out come would of been different if I would of instigated something rather than just sit back and take no action.... So as I am lisening to this song titled Lorna Vallings - Taste, The lyrics hit me to think what it could be like or what would of been... Who knows even if I would of had a chance, maybe I am making all this hard thinking in for nothing anyways... But I will never know for sure.... All I can do is think about what could of been or what could be or what can be or what could of never been or what will never be... None of I know... I don't know what to tell you, sometimes I look at her and I just feel like giving her a hug and kissing her and holding her tight close to me, were no bad can happen, no one can hurt or harm her, and I will protect her to my best ability. All I can do now is sit here on the bench and watch the game until its my turn to play, if the game is not over by the time its my turn... Well so the dreaded holiday is coming up soon V-day... AKA Valentine's Day. Yet another year that I am alone and cursed and screwed with no one... Oh well fuck it, time to just kick back and blow shit up in the game world... Halo,CS, vice-city and maxpayne... My opinion in my view is a Cretan person who is currently with this girl is doing a shitty or shabby job of protecting, helping, and a decent job of careing for her... But hey I cant be counted on because I guess what I cant see I cant judge. I would rather not know or see what happends with them but I do ask time to time just because I care for her and I don't want to see her hurt. I find it funny because I ask and she thinks its because I make fun of her or I hate him... im not sure of why she gets that idea but it sure is funny at times... Well I am going to kick it back for a few days of gaming and hanging with the guys... BTW the lyrics to the song..

LILMAN X

Lorna Vallings - Taste

If I could have just a moment of you
Would I be wanting more?
If I could have just a taste of you
Would I be addicted?
If I could have just a touch of you
Could I tear myself away?
I would pray to be the rain that runs over and in your skin
With no consequence
To be the liquid in your glass that falls around your lips and mouth
Swallow me
If I could have just a breath of you
Would you, could you infect me?
If I could have just a view of you
Would you leave your door ajar?
If I could have just a part of you
Let me drink of your tides
I would pray to be the rain that runs over and in your skin
With no consequence
To be the liquid in your glass that falls around your lips and mouth
Swallow me
And after would the silence thicken, stiffen?
Would I run home in the dark with something stolen?
Would you be slinking in my conscience, laughing?
Would this hunger ever cease?
You are the cliff that I'm walking
Lord help me if I fall
Are you more than my hunger?Baby. Babe
Lord help me if I starve
If I could have just a moment of you
Would I be wanting more?
If I could have just a taste of you
Would I be addicted?
If I could have just a touch of you
Could I tear myself away?
I would pray to be the rain that runs over and in your skin
With no consequence
To be the liquid in your glass that falls around your lips and mouth
Swallow me
And after would the silence thicken, stiffen?
Would I run home in the dark with something stolen?
Would you be slinking in my conscience, laughing?
Would this hunger ever cease?
You are the cliff that I'm walking
Lord help me if I fall
Are you more than my hunger? Baby. Babe
Lord help me if I starve
If I could have just a taste of you
Would I be addicted?

My tea's gone cold, I'm wondering why.. I got out of bed at all... The morning rain clouds up my window ...And I can't see at all ( Thinking...)

Well today I started school once again... Fun as always, same people, same teacher's, so on... I have Unix/Linux class, which I have been waiting for so I hope it should be fun... Funny thing the more school changes the more it all stayed the same. Oh yet once again my mind has gotten a grip on my thoughts, so I was thinking about that girl that I like (the one I met in club hell) and how could I have been so stupid to not let her know how I felt about her, I mean I was almost sure that I let her know I liked her and I wanted to go on a date with her or even get with her. Usually I make it a bit extreme and very obvious when I like some one but I don't know what the hell went wrong or were did I go wrong... Some times I sit and think about comments that she makes about guys and stuff and see how it could apply to me but I find it useless since she has a man at the moment and I haven't a chance or a prayer in sight... Well so I screwed up but hey I still haven't gotten over it... Why I don't know because usually I'm like well screw it I done fucked up but now I have this regret at times that I didn't make a move or make it obvious, this sucks because I think too much and analyze shit too much and this is major so I don't know how many entry's I will write about it but I give it a few more at least... I think about it like...Why did she come to my room when she was not supposed to be in club hell, but she came anyways to see me... Or just why, ok im going to drive you and myself crazy... I am going to sleep... Some Nyquill for my stuffy head and sleep until I wake up tomorrow...

LILMAN X

2005... Starts off with a bang a kick in the ass and other stupidity

Well from the Newyear's to now 2005 has been... Well shit and more shit sort-of. So my year started off like this... On new yr's eve a Cretan person decided to be stupid and ruin everything for everyone not because it was his fault but because he wanted to live in his little world so the consequences are that they pissed me off and that means they are on my probation for a month minimum if not more... All I wanted to do was to play halo2 and relax with a cup or red wine that I was enjoying a nice quiet everything, but since I have to be everyone's savior on this fucking hell of earth I have to intervene and destroy my happy evening because some one was a stupid mother-fucking selfish asshole dickless moron idiot fool who would of just admitted and said ok and I accept your apology and I was wrong too. SO YOU FUCKED EVERYTHING UP FOR EVERY ONE! So after I enjoyed that taste of acid going down my inside and eating everything up, yet another problem occurred but it was not too bad because I actually enjoy helping this person because I like her even though by helping her I am not helping myself to ever be anything than a friend to her but if she's happy I am happy for her and I don't mind being just a friend. Other problems that have happened are minor but still annoying especially this one problem with a friend of mine... Well it started off with just giving some one a ride to a place, ok fine no problem, I always love to help out people by giving them a ride because I know how it was to never have a car and not be able to get a ride... So there was a little more to then just giving two people a ride to a place there were four ok no problem... Well I always stay for a bit with the people that I give a ride to just to make sure there ok and they don't need to relocate to another place. Well so then things got complicated and I had to take them and 2 other people to another location fine. Well little did I know (BTW the other two were little girls, very young 3 and 4 I think) So as I am driving to this location they are in the back tareing up my back seat; messing with my pink bunny (Mr. Bunny-buttons) my pimp mobile light that I had connected and riged until they ripped it out of the seat and the lilmanx thing that joy made me... Oh and also some sand were in there shoes. Well fine upset a little bit but w/e just more work for me when I get home to but all that back in order, but what made me very mad was this person I was doing her a favor got really bitchy at me and I mean rude and all that I was like. WOW hold your self for a second, I did all this and put up with all this shit for you to tell me off... What kind of a mature person are you or say that you are if you are tossing a fit like a little girl... WTF... Anyways that was one event that I still cant figure out and she wont tell me anything about... W/e SE la ve... Now to talk about how much I feel like kicking my self in the ass for not going with my feelings. I spoke about liking a girl that I met yet agen at club hell but she was nice and I wanted or would of like to date and ask her out... Well now she has a man and its kind of late at this point so I was like wtf do I have to lose but to confess to her how I felt and still sorta feel.. So I did but what kills me is that I actually had a chance to get with this girl. I am 98% sure I did too. I mean what the hell was I thinking when I was actually lisening to that dumass who told me I had no chance with her... I know I have low selfesteam and just one person out of five telling me to ask her made me change my mind and so I didn't, but what a fool I am... Shit this sucks I had a chance and I blew it... Why did I ever actually pay attention to that fucking idiot ... He couldn't even get one for himself. I guess I just made a mistake and I will be kicking myself in the ass for that...

LILMANX

December madness

December... The month of madness... Actually its more than you think to it... Sometimes you think a person can be absolutely perfect... Like the right one or some one you can relate to, maybe even date.. But then this person is more of a friend than someone you would go out with... It interesting how females minds work... The odd part is how one moment they give off a signal of left and then they turn right, I guess its like driving in the streets of Miami, no one really does what they indicate... Females have so much in there mind, like while they do something they are thinking about a million things at that moment wile men think one thing and that's about the only thing that they are thinking about... My days have been busy but str8.. Since IM not going to school I get to stay home a lot and just relax and work on PC's and then at night I get to go out with the guys or hang out with my female friends... I love the holiday time since its so nice out and stuff but I really wish I could share it with some one... Some times I would just like some one to hold or to comfort with... You know like that special some one or something.... Anyways IM rambling on and on and on... So.. Oh yeah there is this girl who's she so cool but she's just a friend... But damn she is fine I did notice but... I doubt that some thing will happen with her... Females hurt my head... Crazy shit but w/e I will write later about another female I know...

Update to the moment

So its been forever since I have written anything in my blogg... So sue me. It was madness in mch the entire time I was there was crazy. They made me go though so much crap, different meds and different formulas and stuff... I mean it was sickening, if it wasn't one thing it was another... So I am out of club hell now... Got a new phone, sorted out all the stuff I needed to with school. Set the world in order once agen... Superman (me) helped out my friends to get cars, got every one in the hood what they needed and ect... Now my only problem are 2 problems... One is my car is currently screwd up due to some stupid girl who slammed her brakes and I hit her car from the back.. So now my car is all messed up.. Well only on the drivers side. So I need a bit of body work on it and I might as well get it painted at the same time... So I guess I win something on that one, stupid bitch... After that I have to figure out the problem I have with a girl that I like but she just has too many problems. im not sure if she even likes me at all... Or at least in that way. I actually don't know what im going to do about it. Maybe I should just leave it alone, but if I do I don't know what will happen, should I make the push? Should I say something.. I just don't know what to do. I need a girl who can just appreciates me for me. kinda like that song (she likes me for me).w/e I don't get it and I guess I wont

Madness update from the front lines of MCH

So lets see its been a bunch of days since I have been able to write.. Well lets see now I am still here at mch, I have passed my second hurricane here in the hospital, like every major disaster I have had happen wile I have been in- house... I can't believe this shit... What is it with me and hell happening wile I am in this place? I mean I lost my phone, got in trouble for a bunch of stupid shit that didn't even matter but I mean wtf is wrong with the world since I have been admitted. Geez cant a nigga get a brake? I mean ok so I have to have some kind of control but I have had absolutely nothing since I have been here. The only thing I have controlled so far is my sanity but even that at times I louse. Ok venting done, lets get some updates to situations and events... Alain... Well he's doing good I mean so far he's in school managing to survive with out my insane self helping him out and stuff... The "crew" by the hood... UMM... Damm a lot of stuff has happened with the crew I hear stuff like people getting it on and shit is just breaking loose... Luis... If I had the power in me I would so help him out, first of all I would make sure that he is happy with the person that he would like to be with and I would also have him working a job that he would love to have, but I cant do anything but just try to talk to him... What worries me is this new interest of moving to Orlando and hanging out with "pinky".... WTF how the hell is he in the picture? Were did he come from all of a sudden and who's the influence in it. W/e out of my control I cant do anything about it... For the moment... So lets see oh ya I have a new friend her name is percilla and I met her here so w/e I haven't been able to hang out with her except for the time she was admitted but its all good as soon as I get out of here IM sure we can chill and hang out. School is still a problem and I think IM going to miss another semester and this is going to push my graduation back but w/e fuck it what can I do but just bitch and mone like a punk about it... dammit it and my fault. Trying to find a job here at Mch but its failing so far and it always has.. oooohh there is this real cool nurse here named amber who is or was dating some famous person witch I wont mention his name. I hope we can hang out when I get out.. Basically it has been crazy and stuff is out of control and stuff but IM trying to keep what is left of my world together... Got a replacement to my phone its the same exact one but different.. Need to hack it so it addaps to cingurlar singnal and stuff. I still don't feel well and I don't know what's going on with my body and I want to feel like I was when I was doing good. My situation with the opposite sex is w/e... No activity is the only way I can put it... HURRICANE UPDATE: The hurricane this time around was super crazy, but not as insane as last time. This time around at least people weren't camped out here for 72hrs and the sleeping situation was much better and a lot less leeching than last time. Basically my hurricane day was me here in my room playing house keeper and attending to my friends and stuff members, it was cool just haning out most of the night just chilling and eating shit. Oh the best part was hanging out by the ambulence bay were there was tables set up and people playind dominos and poker in the ER lobbly. This was super slack this time around people weren't as tence and stressed since they did it before and it was all sorted out from the last event. All I have to say is bacardi hurricane and the toast to the hurricane >_< . My plans for getting out of here are so meany and i dont know how im going to ajust to the same thing over and over every day, but dammit i need out of here its just getting too crazy and now im getting complications due to all the meds and crap they gave me... so much shit i have to do when i get out of here its crazy... Well i will try to write and update this as much as i can... im sure i will have plenty to write about, i know im always thinking of somthing new...

LILMAN X

Hell of the mch sespool

well so i am here at mch. sucks to be me. i hate this place because i am here board with no internetconnection and both my pcs here with me. its like a slow torture that creeps at me only because its lke the jacks are in the room and i know the internetconnection is there but they wont bother to hook me up. i hate this shit, w/e fuk it, what can i do. my life is like slowly falling appart because i am stuck in the 4 walls of this crazy place. well school is on hold so i had to take a leave of absence because other wise it would get counted agenst me, my car is sitting in the same damm place i left it befor i came to this spon of hell and i wish i could cruse around with my Basss blasting. i miss my car >_< . Oh ya... I LOST MY DAMM PHONE!!! FUCK !!! my phone with all my digi pics and all my numbers of girls i would pick up and stuff lke that. w/e i need to get out of here ASAP because im going nuts... i need some stabilitty in my life. Well so i dont know how this is going to end... i hope not bad but w/e. must go hiding a portable laptop that the nurses use to chart so i need to bounce keep you all updated on my hell of this life...... HELP


lilman X

Well so its been a hella long long time since i have writen in my blog. Well Alian is back in town and shit's going good so far. Still no girl but w/e the lonley stay soliter. Fine with me, its better than haveing a bunch of dramma and crap... So lets step back and take a look at how my life is at the moment.... No girl, Schools stressed me out because of my teacher is the same for the next 6 weeks, my social life suxs, people ignore me half the time, and any day now i will lose it and scream... so i guess im doing good. Some times i wonder what the hell has happend that i have fallen into this obliviouse pit of hell. I mean i went from being a popular alwalys getiing ringed up to ... "oh i need a favor" person, and the rest of the time its like w/e_ im just there. Dont know why i have been in a shitty mood but w/e "it dont fase me".


LILMAN X

Another boring day of my life...

Ok w/e So this weekend was my Birthday... (sarcastic scream) yay.. Ok Well it could of been better but I had a good day... Who the hell am I kidding I didn't do shit but stay home hang out with Joey and go drinking later that night witch turned out to be a Disaster. W/e the more time passes by the more I keep falling endlessly into this hole of nothingness... Damm not even a yr ago I was partying like crazy and getting all the hook-ups I wanted with all the hot chicks. If not I was getting calls from mad people asking what's going on tonight and stuff... Now its all gone.. Ya I know I wanted to slow down with the party's and the crazy life but I have gone from all that to nothing known, where did I go wrong. I mean im an active person I can only stay still and calm for a lil wile. I want to hang out like I used to and the circle of friends is gone and I can count all my friends on one hand I want to just go out and have a wild party every once a blue moon... w/e I have to do something and I will . Like they say no guts no glory, screw playing the Mr shy guy role... It's not getting me jack In the famous words some one once said... Return of the Mack
 
LILMAN X

The day and intro to the Indecisive female...

Well today I did't do much but stay here and let the world pass me by, make it short ... bordum... Nothing todo but sit here and oh ya lil ninja boy came by for a lil wile to hang out and use my PC to play ragna and get his email... Well lets get started on my interpretation of the bleak indecisive female mind... As I have observed the bleak mind of the female has no thought process but to always change her mind and never seems to go in the same direction for 3.2 seconds. Why is she always changing her mind? Can't she just go in one direction and keep that thought... Why must she always analyze every little step we "men" take? One thing that I have noticed is that when they decide something and say its final.. Its not final.. They change there mind so easy... Do they know what they want, but the true question is do any of us know what we want? Well I do, sort of and so do most guys. Females need to learn how to stop, cheating, mind playing games, indecisive, and stop messing with our minds. Think of one thing and just stick to it dammit. Is it so hard, that you all don't know what you want? Well who knows ...... MAKE UP YOUR MINDS!!!

Lilman X

Sleepless mind wondering...

Welcome to chapter 368 page 5083... Today our hero has saved the world once agean... Tonight people can sleep in the valley of MCH thanks TO RAPMASTER ALEX spreading joy to all the children and making their day... Big deal... This hero can't sleep for some odd reason I don't know what the problem. I feel so sleepy like if I could fall asleep just standing up but when I lay down I can't go to sleep at all... Maybe its my stupidity of my mind getting the best of me. So many things I have on my mind that I have no one to tell or talk about... I mean I could tell some people but the only person I trust to tell the kind of things that are on my mind are either not talking to me or not in my life anymore... Why can't people be easy to deal with... This would just make life easyer... I guess I do sometimes try to control the world around me at times and I just can't have it my way I kinda get mad about it... Some times I feel like Superman or spyderman, "TIME TO SAVE THE DAY" or "ALEX TO THE RESUCE". I don't know what people expect from me at times but its kind of funny sometimes because when I am not needed people don't call me or don't even bother to think of me but when it come time to "OMG I NEED HELP" I am like the first one on speed dial. I hate it when they cry for super man and then they forget about him when they don't bother needing him... Lately its been me saving everyone's ass when it comes time to a favor or something. Well im going to attempt to sleep soo I leave all you lammers with a song,

I took a walk around the world to Ease my troubled mind
I left my body laying somewhere In the sands of time
I watched the world float to the dark Side of the moon
I feel there is nothing I can do, yeah
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I watched the world float to the Dark side of the moon
After all I knew it had to be something To do with you
I really don't mind what happens now and then
As long as you'll be my friend at the end
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If I go crazy then will you still Call me Superman
If I'm alive and well, will you be There holding my hand
I'll keep you by my side with My superhuman might...Kryptonite


LILMAN X (superman)

Catch up with me... Life is alright, but a pain

OK No posts in June... So what, I have a life and just deal with it cuz I haven't had time to write... I try but I cant ... Its like every one wants some favor from me. Is that all I'M good for asking favors? Shit what about me.. I have issues and problems in my life. I ask because I see something is wrong; do I hide my problems that well no one knows I have problems on my mind? Do I keep my Guard so high up that people and my so called "friends" are oblivious? W/E, Fuk it I say. I stress too much about stupid shit to worry about other peoples problems or being a help desk. That's what I feel like some times... A damm help desk. I don't mind helping with problems to do with relationship.. Hell I'M good at that, but stupid OMG its an emergency help me, and it turns out to be some stupid problem. OH ya ... I am not FUKING MAP QUEST OR YELLOW PAGES. If you need help finding some place and you know I am having a bad day... DON'T CALL ME... You can use that semi empty space in between your ears and right be hind your eyes. Its called a "BRAIN", if u use it most of the time it grows and develops so that you aren't stupid and you don't have to be bothering me... Also I am done with user's or leecher's. If you just call time to time or go along time with out saying hi and you call me to get info consider your self BLACK LISTED... I do not deal with people that use me anymore.. NO EXCEPTIONS! My true friends know who they are. See they call me even if they are "too busy" or what ever it may be. A simple hello by phone or you see me or even AIM is fine but months and weeks with out contact and then you ask a favor ... Oh no your going to get a straight no sorry and I will tell you why. Its over ... I am sick of being Mr nice guy ... fuk it. No more using of my resources. Think back of that nice Alex you all know cuz he officially died today and reborn into a straight in your face person. No more self comments, if I think something I am going to tell you.. Don't care about the consequences... In fact .. What ever happens.. happens.

LILMAN X

Long time, I know, get over it. Chilling and new stuff

Ok so it has been a wile agen since I have written. Get over it, school has me super busy with school and trying to figure out my life... Yes I know that will never happen but its my excuse.. Well school is grate, Getting A's 3.8 GPA, Woot! So that is the good thing that I have. Then we come to the issue of my health. (takes a deep breath) Well the liver transplant will soon happen I hope. Its not easy, just thinking about it makes me think about how it will be after and how different will be from now. Makes me worry some times too much so I just try not to think about it. Girls are well there, and not going anything IM no longer stressing it, screw it I say if it happens, it happens. Stressed over a person who made me happy and now not stressing that, stressed over a hottie in class now not stressing that so forget that issue. I have bigger stuff to worry about, like building my microwave computer >_<... must find one first. Well short update i will say more 2marrow. Bed time

LILMAN X

VENTING MY ANGER !!-Never try and be persistent, its not worth it

Well its been about a week since I have written last. Since I cannot have at least a week or a wile that time passes by that I actually have good times or feel healthy, this week its back to the crap life... Actually it started around Thursday when I got this bright idea to hey why don't I ask my sweety on a nice date just me and her dinner and take it from there... But No... I try and try but screw this keep trying to make plans..I know its not her fault but still it disappoints me. My grandmother is doing the worst she has been doing ever, my planning of doing my perfect "date" never happends, and I have a cold, I feel like shit and if that's not the worst of it, I also have some thing on the side of my face that started as a zit and now it hurts like hell, is infected and I can't sleep at night because of it. IM on antibiotics which screw up my stomach..... FU*KING SCREWD UP LIFE ... I HATE IT WHEN ITS THIS BAD AND NO ONE SUPPORTS ME... w/e maybe no one knows how bad it hurts cuz I put my self on some pain killers or I hide it well. The problem is I can't take them at night because I need to be awake to take them or else its bad if I sleep wile I take them... Fu*k it sick of this stupid life of limitations because of my illness. It is always something, and if I feel good its when I can't do anything because no one wants to do anything... I feel as if my life or my illness plans to make me feel sick when people are doing stuff like party's or w/e it may be and I can't go. Then when I feel fine I can't do shit cuz no one is doing anything... Fu*king a, its shit like this that just makes me think why the hell me? Perfect song for this is by the offspring-
Maybe life is like a ride on a freeway
Dodging bullets while you're trying to find your way
Everyone's around, but no one does a damn thing
It brings me down, but I won't let them

If I seem bleak
Well you'd be correct
And if I don't speak
It's cause I can't disconnect
But I won't be burned by the reflection
Of the fire in your eyes
As you're staring at the sun

When I ran I didn't feel like a runaway
When I escaped I didn't feel like I got away
There's more to living than only surviving
Maybe I'm not there, but I'm still trying

Though you hear me
I don't think that you relate
My will is something
That you can't confiscate
So forgive me, but I won't be frustrated
By destruction in your eyes
As you're staring at the sun


This is so much, I feel like just giving up some times but I don't and I never do, guess I am just hard headed and persistent on what I want to get done. I fee at time as I have all this stress and no way to share it with anyone but I also don't want to make some one else feel bad for me... I JUST NEED TO VENT. The only one that makes me feel better most of the time is my sweety, but she can't always come to the resucue cuz she has her own life and problems to deal with so I just have to deal with my own shit like I always have before. Guess it is going to be another crappy weekend of doing nothing, so I will just keep myself in my cave until some one comes and gets me out of here {ya right} until then I will just sleep and watch the time pass me by...

LILMAN X

CRazY Day with a chill on the side

What a day of emotions and just plane chilling like the old days with a twist of drama at the end. Ok so I expected this morning to just wake up and go over to kevins house and grab a few things and then hopefully go on a date with my baby... So much for that (like always). I swear my life is one big A.D.D or some compiled distraction. Instead of doing what I planed some how we got distracted and got into a pool and opening game cards. Dammit, this sucks how the hell do I get pulled into this crap that I enjoy and distracts me from my plans. DAMM me and being distracted easily. I need to learn how to say no I have plans I want to do "this". Since I am easygoing I just say ok and go with the flow... w/e some day I hope I will learn to say no. Eventually I will get to the plans I have for me and my sweety... I so wan't to do it too, first it was supposed to be a surprise but that didn't happen, then I set a day and told her what I was going to do but that didn't happen. Then today I got distracted again and yet nothing... I am just either going to just do it out of the blue or give up on my plans. Actually its kind of good I didn't do what I wanted to because it was raining and also she was not feeling too well which I guess it was not meant to be. Drama yet again comes to the happy group of "The Old Eagle clan" also known as The southwest group or The group. Dingdong boy and his wonderful issue come to play again, same story as always. He tries to be nice and human and she just keeps the point up that she wants nothing to do with him and he cant get it into his head that she wants nothing to do with him and so on... Ah "breath" To be honest with you ... I would just get over a person that wants nothing to do with me. I can take a clue, ok so you hate me and never want to see or talk to me ... Well FU*K U BI*CH AND GO TO HE*L. Duh I would like to know why but if in a certain amount of time I don't get an answer I will eventual for get about it... Guess some people don't forget or learn or both. Not my problem and I really don't care cuz I am sick of the same 6yr old drama.. Its getting old and pointless... GET OVER IT PLEASE! Well I spent a lot of time with my baby so I am happy about that. I love spending time with her it makes me forget about stuff that's on my mind, may it be stupid stuff or very important stuff it makes not difference when im with her. She makes me happy and it has been a wile since I have been feeling this happy emotionality or w\e you want to call it since about 2 yrs ago. Maybe my life is going to be more happy and will feel more meaningful as it did yrs ago when the good old days were happening. Some times I feel as I am trying to hard for most things I do but I will never know. Maybe I am maybe not... Well its late and I am still going to write more about my thought about relationships and Trust and when too much is too much. Maybe I will also write a prodiction... Who knows.. Till next time TTFN.

LILMAN X

Today's observations...

Today was an ok day I guess... Not the best but not the worst. Days like today I just felt like sleeping in all day but I have sh*t to do, so I got up around 10 not feeling well because I am comming down with a cold, and also on top off it all I think I have 2 zits coming out on my face.. Ok it is officially a crappy day. Woke up watched ER from 10 to 12 and then after that I went to go feed my grandmother... When I got there the care assistant had already fed her, so I wanted to know the progress of what's going on, I hate lazy nurses... How the hell can you be a nurse and take care of some one and not know if the doctor passes by or if she even had eaten lunch... Well she pissed me off and added to my bad day. Any one know what Alex douse to a lazy nurse that slacks off? Ah if you guessed report her to the nurse manager you guessed right. I see no reason for you no to know what doctor has come by or if she has eaten when the reason she is in the hospital is because she can't swallow or eat too well... They should fire her or put her in a lower position... NO EXCUSE!! So I just Sat there in the room next to her till about 4:30 because I could not take it anymore... So I came home and I really wanted to just relax and possibly see my sweety or talk to her a wile on the phone... Since my life is one big "NO" instead I got on my PC cuz every time I layed down the phone rang and I have to get up and answer it cuz every one in my house is a paraplegic and brain dead and can't get the phone so I just decided to say screw it to relaxing in my bed. Then my wonderful mother kept bothering me about some baseball game and was pissing me off because I guess I have TV Guide written across my face so she was asking me over and over and over what channel it was on and if we have that channel on our direct TV plan and so on... HELLO STUPID, am I paying for it? Or is she, she should know what we have and don't have. I am so sick of being sick... IF it's not Mono, its a cold, if not that then something else... Just give me a better day 2marrow.

LILMAN X

Alive and still kicking... Deal with it

Well ok so I haven't had time to write in the blog but I have been doing a lot of stuff to keep me super busy that I don't even have time to pick my nose. Deal with it, life sometimes makes you crazy and busy. Lets see update.. Since last time I have joined Florida Career College, cool school. I love it ! Planning on getting my A+ degree and My MCSE degree. So far so good, I was even sick like I became last time when I was going to Miami Dade but this time since I guess you can call this place cheers (where everyone knows your name and there always glad you came) I have had no problems keeping up with my classes and keeping my GAP at 3.9 Woot ! I guess every thing in life comes with a good and a bad. The good part is I'M doing awesome at school and I am enjoying my self also. Another good thing is that I actually have some one in my life who cares for me and likes to take care of me and worries about me like no other person has that is not blood related or long term friend ship, Duh I guess you can tell (girl-Friend). She is so sweet and I care about her so much because she actually likes me for me and can deal with my moods. Shocking yes I know, I know I am a difficult person to deal with and can be an ass most of the time. She has passes a major test that comes with me and my life that will occur many times in the future no matter what I can do in my power. Like I sed before the good comes with bad.. My grandmother is not doing too well, actually she is very sick and in the hospital. She is so bad that she can't get out of bed, feed herself anything and can barely move. I don't know if I am in shock or just scared that she will eventually die, we all must one day, but the thought of her just being so helpless and in a bed that she cant move or barely talk is just not regerstering at the moment. I can't even begin to understand it, My grandmother who was always so active, Cooked cleaned the house, Filled bags and bags daily of leaves that fell off the trees in my back yard not even 2yrs ago, and even it feels like if yesterday she was cooking something or in the back yard doing something or going to K-Mart. I am speechless... I don't know what's going to happen, I wish I could turn back time and just keep it as it was. The worst part is I can't do anything about it. School is grate also but it stresses me out too but not a big deal. I have a confession to make... I am worried about my liver problem, I fear that the situation is going to get worse but that's always my fear. I only have myself to blame and I can only point the finger at myself for not calling my doctor that I did all the test for and needed to see after I was done with them but I have had other problems and I also have just been delaying the long process that will occur if and when I do get the trasnplant. Guess the thought of taking out my liver and putting one that can be rejected and I could die if it happen scares me. Now I figure, Screw it... Why worry so much if I don't do anything about it, I will eventually be sick and get worse and die or I fix it with a new liver could work and if I didn't then oh well one way or another I'M screwed... I need a vacation between my grandmother and school (mild stress) and my health, I don't know what to stress over the most... Some times I feel like just disappearing for an entire 24hrs with no one calling me on my cell phone or IM-ing me or E-mailing me or asking me for a favor or w/e. Just me, maybe one other person with me and that's it. Cellphone off, No computer and a location I can not be bothered at. JUST GETTING AWAY! Hopfuly my plans for this weekend I can actually be accomplished and not put off to another day or just nothing happens. I am so sick and tired of my plans never going the way I wan't them to... Yeah right, that will be the day. I will write when I can, so if I write and then a wile passes and I write a wile after that DEAL WITH IT!

LILMAN X

NEW YR NEW STUFF NEW BEGINING

Well 2003 is gone and so is the bad times and good times I have had this year. Its strange how in only 365 days and 24hrs a day so much has changed, time is taken for granted, people take every moment as if it would never exist but it comes and goes faster than you can imagine. One major change that has happened is my friendship with a person who I thought we would get old and hang out a lot and know each other our entire lives has ended. It truly saddened me but what can I do about this situation. What happened has happened and I can't do anything about it. Time will tell what will happen in the future. This yr 2004 is a new yr new beginnings and maybe some ends that may come as the days pass by. Time is strange as it is here it is going somewhere else. Kind of like an event I was talking about to my friends dad, a galaxy far far away is emitting light to our current place and time but according to what the theory is that place in time is over done with not extinction... How strange how life, time, light works. I remember not even 6 months ago I was at some party with some girl I didn't even know and trying to get her number to perhaps date her.... What was I thinking at the time.... I guess I was in a position of alone but w/e times have changed and now IM going on a different path... Screw all that stupid party drink and screw life... Its not worth it. Well IM not interested that life, now what IM going to do is school and what I have to resolve with my health... Friends have been cut to a group that I trust and I keep close.