VENTING MY ANGER !!-Never try and be persistent, its not worth it

Well its been about a week since I have written last. Since I cannot have at least a week or a wile that time passes by that I actually have good times or feel healthy, this week its back to the crap life... Actually it started around Thursday when I got this bright idea to hey why don't I ask my sweety on a nice date just me and her dinner and take it from there... But No... I try and try but screw this keep trying to make plans..I know its not her fault but still it disappoints me. My grandmother is doing the worst she has been doing ever, my planning of doing my perfect "date" never happends, and I have a cold, I feel like shit and if that's not the worst of it, I also have some thing on the side of my face that started as a zit and now it hurts like hell, is infected and I can't sleep at night because of it. IM on antibiotics which screw up my stomach..... FU*KING SCREWD UP LIFE ... I HATE IT WHEN ITS THIS BAD AND NO ONE SUPPORTS ME... w/e maybe no one knows how bad it hurts cuz I put my self on some pain killers or I hide it well. The problem is I can't take them at night because I need to be awake to take them or else its bad if I sleep wile I take them... Fu*k it sick of this stupid life of limitations because of my illness. It is always something, and if I feel good its when I can't do anything because no one wants to do anything... I feel as if my life or my illness plans to make me feel sick when people are doing stuff like party's or w/e it may be and I can't go. Then when I feel fine I can't do shit cuz no one is doing anything... Fu*king a, its shit like this that just makes me think why the hell me? Perfect song for this is by the offspring-
Maybe life is like a ride on a freeway
Dodging bullets while you're trying to find your way
Everyone's around, but no one does a damn thing
It brings me down, but I won't let them

If I seem bleak
Well you'd be correct
And if I don't speak
It's cause I can't disconnect
But I won't be burned by the reflection
Of the fire in your eyes
As you're staring at the sun

When I ran I didn't feel like a runaway
When I escaped I didn't feel like I got away
There's more to living than only surviving
Maybe I'm not there, but I'm still trying

Though you hear me
I don't think that you relate
My will is something
That you can't confiscate
So forgive me, but I won't be frustrated
By destruction in your eyes
As you're staring at the sun


This is so much, I feel like just giving up some times but I don't and I never do, guess I am just hard headed and persistent on what I want to get done. I fee at time as I have all this stress and no way to share it with anyone but I also don't want to make some one else feel bad for me... I JUST NEED TO VENT. The only one that makes me feel better most of the time is my sweety, but she can't always come to the resucue cuz she has her own life and problems to deal with so I just have to deal with my own shit like I always have before. Guess it is going to be another crappy weekend of doing nothing, so I will just keep myself in my cave until some one comes and gets me out of here {ya right} until then I will just sleep and watch the time pass me by...

LILMAN X

CRazY Day with a chill on the side

What a day of emotions and just plane chilling like the old days with a twist of drama at the end. Ok so I expected this morning to just wake up and go over to kevins house and grab a few things and then hopefully go on a date with my baby... So much for that (like always). I swear my life is one big A.D.D or some compiled distraction. Instead of doing what I planed some how we got distracted and got into a pool and opening game cards. Dammit, this sucks how the hell do I get pulled into this crap that I enjoy and distracts me from my plans. DAMM me and being distracted easily. I need to learn how to say no I have plans I want to do "this". Since I am easygoing I just say ok and go with the flow... w/e some day I hope I will learn to say no. Eventually I will get to the plans I have for me and my sweety... I so wan't to do it too, first it was supposed to be a surprise but that didn't happen, then I set a day and told her what I was going to do but that didn't happen. Then today I got distracted again and yet nothing... I am just either going to just do it out of the blue or give up on my plans. Actually its kind of good I didn't do what I wanted to because it was raining and also she was not feeling too well which I guess it was not meant to be. Drama yet again comes to the happy group of "The Old Eagle clan" also known as The southwest group or The group. Dingdong boy and his wonderful issue come to play again, same story as always. He tries to be nice and human and she just keeps the point up that she wants nothing to do with him and he cant get it into his head that she wants nothing to do with him and so on... Ah "breath" To be honest with you ... I would just get over a person that wants nothing to do with me. I can take a clue, ok so you hate me and never want to see or talk to me ... Well FU*K U BI*CH AND GO TO HE*L. Duh I would like to know why but if in a certain amount of time I don't get an answer I will eventual for get about it... Guess some people don't forget or learn or both. Not my problem and I really don't care cuz I am sick of the same 6yr old drama.. Its getting old and pointless... GET OVER IT PLEASE! Well I spent a lot of time with my baby so I am happy about that. I love spending time with her it makes me forget about stuff that's on my mind, may it be stupid stuff or very important stuff it makes not difference when im with her. She makes me happy and it has been a wile since I have been feeling this happy emotionality or w\e you want to call it since about 2 yrs ago. Maybe my life is going to be more happy and will feel more meaningful as it did yrs ago when the good old days were happening. Some times I feel as I am trying to hard for most things I do but I will never know. Maybe I am maybe not... Well its late and I am still going to write more about my thought about relationships and Trust and when too much is too much. Maybe I will also write a prodiction... Who knows.. Till next time TTFN.

LILMAN X

Today's observations...

Today was an ok day I guess... Not the best but not the worst. Days like today I just felt like sleeping in all day but I have sh*t to do, so I got up around 10 not feeling well because I am comming down with a cold, and also on top off it all I think I have 2 zits coming out on my face.. Ok it is officially a crappy day. Woke up watched ER from 10 to 12 and then after that I went to go feed my grandmother... When I got there the care assistant had already fed her, so I wanted to know the progress of what's going on, I hate lazy nurses... How the hell can you be a nurse and take care of some one and not know if the doctor passes by or if she even had eaten lunch... Well she pissed me off and added to my bad day. Any one know what Alex douse to a lazy nurse that slacks off? Ah if you guessed report her to the nurse manager you guessed right. I see no reason for you no to know what doctor has come by or if she has eaten when the reason she is in the hospital is because she can't swallow or eat too well... They should fire her or put her in a lower position... NO EXCUSE!! So I just Sat there in the room next to her till about 4:30 because I could not take it anymore... So I came home and I really wanted to just relax and possibly see my sweety or talk to her a wile on the phone... Since my life is one big "NO" instead I got on my PC cuz every time I layed down the phone rang and I have to get up and answer it cuz every one in my house is a paraplegic and brain dead and can't get the phone so I just decided to say screw it to relaxing in my bed. Then my wonderful mother kept bothering me about some baseball game and was pissing me off because I guess I have TV Guide written across my face so she was asking me over and over and over what channel it was on and if we have that channel on our direct TV plan and so on... HELLO STUPID, am I paying for it? Or is she, she should know what we have and don't have. I am so sick of being sick... IF it's not Mono, its a cold, if not that then something else... Just give me a better day 2marrow.

LILMAN X

Alive and still kicking... Deal with it

Well ok so I haven't had time to write in the blog but I have been doing a lot of stuff to keep me super busy that I don't even have time to pick my nose. Deal with it, life sometimes makes you crazy and busy. Lets see update.. Since last time I have joined Florida Career College, cool school. I love it ! Planning on getting my A+ degree and My MCSE degree. So far so good, I was even sick like I became last time when I was going to Miami Dade but this time since I guess you can call this place cheers (where everyone knows your name and there always glad you came) I have had no problems keeping up with my classes and keeping my GAP at 3.9 Woot ! I guess every thing in life comes with a good and a bad. The good part is I'M doing awesome at school and I am enjoying my self also. Another good thing is that I actually have some one in my life who cares for me and likes to take care of me and worries about me like no other person has that is not blood related or long term friend ship, Duh I guess you can tell (girl-Friend). She is so sweet and I care about her so much because she actually likes me for me and can deal with my moods. Shocking yes I know, I know I am a difficult person to deal with and can be an ass most of the time. She has passes a major test that comes with me and my life that will occur many times in the future no matter what I can do in my power. Like I sed before the good comes with bad.. My grandmother is not doing too well, actually she is very sick and in the hospital. She is so bad that she can't get out of bed, feed herself anything and can barely move. I don't know if I am in shock or just scared that she will eventually die, we all must one day, but the thought of her just being so helpless and in a bed that she cant move or barely talk is just not regerstering at the moment. I can't even begin to understand it, My grandmother who was always so active, Cooked cleaned the house, Filled bags and bags daily of leaves that fell off the trees in my back yard not even 2yrs ago, and even it feels like if yesterday she was cooking something or in the back yard doing something or going to K-Mart. I am speechless... I don't know what's going to happen, I wish I could turn back time and just keep it as it was. The worst part is I can't do anything about it. School is grate also but it stresses me out too but not a big deal. I have a confession to make... I am worried about my liver problem, I fear that the situation is going to get worse but that's always my fear. I only have myself to blame and I can only point the finger at myself for not calling my doctor that I did all the test for and needed to see after I was done with them but I have had other problems and I also have just been delaying the long process that will occur if and when I do get the trasnplant. Guess the thought of taking out my liver and putting one that can be rejected and I could die if it happen scares me. Now I figure, Screw it... Why worry so much if I don't do anything about it, I will eventually be sick and get worse and die or I fix it with a new liver could work and if I didn't then oh well one way or another I'M screwed... I need a vacation between my grandmother and school (mild stress) and my health, I don't know what to stress over the most... Some times I feel like just disappearing for an entire 24hrs with no one calling me on my cell phone or IM-ing me or E-mailing me or asking me for a favor or w/e. Just me, maybe one other person with me and that's it. Cellphone off, No computer and a location I can not be bothered at. JUST GETTING AWAY! Hopfuly my plans for this weekend I can actually be accomplished and not put off to another day or just nothing happens. I am so sick and tired of my plans never going the way I wan't them to... Yeah right, that will be the day. I will write when I can, so if I write and then a wile passes and I write a wile after that DEAL WITH IT!

LILMAN X