HELL WEEK AND ADVICE....

Im sorry i havent been able to wite since last week things have just been too crazy for me. This week has been pure hell on eath for me between my parents being on my ass and constant tellinh me what to do when how and ect. Another reson was that i could not get out of my house untill friday wich i have been spending till now in seclution. I just cant deal with people calling me asking my advice when i ask them and i get no responce, i hate being the one who gives gives and then i get nothing out of it. So this weekend i basicly sed "fu*k it and came to someplace i know no one will bother me. I only let serten people call me on my cell wile im here because i know they bring happyness to me and wont be asking me 20 Q&A. I sometimes wonder why people come to me for advice in relashonships if i cant even str8en my own sometimes. Why me? Why every time i give advice it gos so well and then when i try to resolve my own problems it never works out... I just dont understand, When will it be my turn to ask and receve, will someones advice help me...

LIL MAN X

Just a WOW night unforgetable....

I have stuggled with this feeling for months,weeks, days, mins and sec. I cant figure it out why i love her so so so much i wish i didnt for the fact that its killing me deep inside and i so want to make a move but i cant because i am not one to froce things apon a person. I have to let her sort out her thoughts and emotions out untill then i cant do anything. I have one wish in life and that would be to have her to hold. I would not waste it on cure for myself. That would solve nothing i have dealt with what i have for 19yrs and i have dealt with this grate pain of love for 2months and i prefer her over my cure. Tonight i looked at her and thougt to my self. God to have such buity, To love such a person, To feel this person next to them is just the closet to heven i will ever be and feel. I wish she would know this, i see her in such a light that i rather go blind than never to have sight. I rather bleed and die, Then to never see her agean. I rather her be happy and i die all alone in this world than see her sufer. I love her i am convinced, there is nothing to compare, there is nothing else to say than i love her. If she only knew. She did something that no other person in this world has done, she made me happy when i was in my "mad at you mood." No one ever in 19 yrs has been able to do that, not terrell not brian not my mother or father, no one. I could not explane how she did it but she did, she had done and acomplishd so much that no other person in my life has been able to do. I just cant explane it. I see it in her eyes that she cares but untill she seddles her problems nothing will be done nothing will move all is frozen. I will pry tonight for her to open her eyes and make the right choice even if its not me, i dont care. As long as shes happy and i may have deep pain, i will be happy knowing shes happy. Today was the ball, i was filled with this happyness that i havent felt befor just seeing her wonderful self and the way she looked tonight just took all sence from me i could not help my self to just fall deeper in to this pit of loveing her more and more. She looks so amazing that i could not take my eyes from her and keep complamenting her. I felt like if it was the first time i met her but a better feeling because i know her more now. I just had the best night of my life with her, even if she didnt pay attention to me because her sisters where with her and she needed to do stuff with them i under-stud and just waited till she came to me. I will never forget this night and one day i will show her exactly how i feel for her. I will love no other like her I will never find one like her, im not a jelouse person im not demanding, but i do ask just a lil help and loveing from time to time.

LIL MAN X

Fun video games and stuff......

Today was a pritty busy and fun day. I got my shoes back from the place i had an extra 2in put on them so i will be taller :) so after that i was stuck here at home till luis called me and then after that i when out to see kevin in his play wich was intrasting but funny and good. I romed around the old hang out "southwest high school" for a lil wile befor it started and saw the manny changes that have happend around the school. It felt weard going back to that place i didnt think i was ever going to go back for a long time its been like 6months since i was there they did a lot of stuff since i was last chilling there, Feelings: strange awkwardness and too weard feeling. After the play me and luis and duey whent to his g/f place that was empty becaues she was on a trip with her parents, so we talked and played video games, wich its been a wile sinces ive done that. I felt good but still like always lingering thoughts of my current strugle that i face wich i might do somthing about 2marrow depends on the way things flow. Well i have to get up early 2marrow i wrote this at 4AM so i better go to sleep and see what happends........

LIL MAN X

Radio lollipop and forgeting about my problems...

Well Today another day at radio lollipop, then after that when out with luis and terrell lets just say tonight was just a day of forgeting about stuff. people that bother me people that i worry about and the person im in love with, well yes i did do most of the stuff i wanted to happen but no matter how hard i try i can get her out of my mind. too much in my head for me to forget but w/e im trying to make the best of things. Tomarrow i have to make some choices i have to eather go to the gym alone or rush it all on sat but i rather go 2marrow see what i can do. Still a lil worryed about sat how its going to go, w/e ahcudamatata as they say. Well i have a busy day 2marrow and the next, time for sleep and rest even though i have to be up early but w/e.

LIL MAN X

yummy ZD and ect....

AHH ZD PASTA yummy i love it. I had rachel come over today to cook for me since she told me it was her turn to cook so i let her make ZDpasta.. Boy can she cook wow i was inpressed i loved it ate it all. I would have her here as my cook if i had the choice. Well besides what i ate and i whent to the DR today he sed every thing was ok but stuff needs to be done but i told him not befor my B-day because i want to have fun befor i have to do what he wants me to do. Still the lingering mixed feelings but there is not a dam thing i can do about it. So for now its try to ignore the feeling. LIKE THE SONG "NOBODY KNOWS IT BUT ME" By kevin sharp: That song is the one who best discribes how i feel weard that i heard it comming on my way home from the place where she is at. Nervouse about this comming Sat night, i don't know how im going to react or if anything will happen or who knows. All my friends say im over reacting, but i dont know something has me worried deep inside. The tiara i got her is butifule i love it full of rime stones and sparkaly and sliver it maches her dress perfectly she also is going to get a orcid because i know she loves them and i want her to know she is spechal to me. Well today i learn yet another thing and i will remeber this for life.........

LIL MAN X

The past and its good and i learn...

Today the past comes back i look at it and the past has chenged. changed for the good all people that where in my past where bad, bad infulences bad ideas and bad tramas. Today thouse people come back, back in a diffrent way a good way a way now i feel comfterble with somthing i can ralax and talk it out insted of the old way of just rushing into it. I like this feeling people that i knew and come back for a good difrent way. people that i can now trust with anything i feel. yet agen today i face my dayly delema of seeing what i cant have but to this i must deal with and just take it one day at a time. As the days pass on i learn somthing new and i like learning more because it helps me to decide my next step. Well 2marrow i have a busy day lots of stuff to do..

LIL MAN X

Shoping, thoughts and stuff

Today i got up all sore because of the gym that i joined yesterday.. Had to go buy a few things like a suit for the ball i have this sat and and go shoping with my mom and ect.. Got back home wasent in a good mood like i ushaly am but w/e i dont know why i was in a blha mood today kinda weard for me. Worked on my site a lil bit changed a few things and worked on the html script. My thoughts are not stedy to this day i dont know what im going to do about every thing i feel i dont know what i should do im sure in the next few weeks i will decide what to do. I hope i am makeing the right choice because if its not i dont know what i will do. life is a chance and i must take it

LIL MAN X

Saying and doing

Today yet another lesson i learn from thouse that are close to me. People tell me i must move on and moveing on i will in due time i will move on i know i have to because its not good being how i am currently. I should fallow my own advice i should do what i tell others to do and follow. I never have done that to date but i will from now on i will follow what i say to others and what i think... I helped somone today to see that they cant just live in limbo they have to come back to the world and live in the current time that you are present. There is no more pretending you must go and do what you feel and stop liveing in the moment just look beyond. I dont know what my next step is but im shure i will do somthing soon i dont know when but soon.....

LIL MAN X

today and 2marrow

today i got up early to look at my stocks and do business stuff. i still have thought lingering in my head thinking about what am i going to do about who am i going to do and what when where ect... Im shur with time it will be all fixed and stuff but by the way things are going the sands of time are running out.people tell me to forget and move on ya easer sead then done. I wish i was in someone elses shoes so they could trade placecs with me and see how hard it is liveing with regret and liveing with should i or would i or will i ever ect... well im here chinlling with my buddy jo and im shure her can help always been there for me and we are tight like that. I have a long day ahead of me 2marrow go to the gym go shoping with my mom and then chill with rachel till late im guessing who know what else my day 2marrow will bring....

LIL MAN X

early morning thoughts......

Today i woke up with a thougth in my mind. I was thinking about what is going to happen. What is going to happen the 19th. What will be my thoughts that day when i see her at her best. Will i want to just keep it inside, will i show what i feel for her. This day could be the best or worst day of my life. I hope it turns out for the best. I know i will be nervous, just like i was on my first date. Im going to try to make this day the best for her. But who knows what will be going though my mind......

LIL MAN X

today tomarrow and the next

Woke up this morning oh oh, i got my self a .... lol just kidding ok heres today. strangely today i feel as if life is getting better but i dont know why i just feel like this is just another hill im going up that i will eventualy fall down once agen. My feelings for her as still as strong as can be but i try not to think of it and keep my mind off of it. I wish the summer would just pass and august would just be here so i would know what to do. People tell me just not to think about it and go on but its not as easy as you think. I so just want to hold on to that moment in time. I hope the future will hold the best for me. i fear it might but if i dont take the right steps i just wont be how i imagen it. Right now i just have to focuse on what i have to do more than plan for whats going to happen. I just wish 2marrow would be here today and the past would be gone. Too bad its not that easy. I'll just deal with it one long day at a time.......

project streets and lingering.......

Today wasent such a bad day. i woke up around 10ish or so. and then like around 12 i started on this project wich is take the old street sign that was hit by a car and keep the plates so then i did that till around 7 or so played monomapy with rachel and kicked her ass... that was fun. then now im going to bed because im super tierd. My thoughts still linger around the same sbuject but im trying not to let it bother me but its still douse some times. During the day i stop and think about it happens to me often but then i tell my self it will all work out in the end and then i go on with my tasks that i must do

LIL MAN X

My conflict of the day 2

Today has been yet another day in my miserable life. It started out by me getting out of bed to hear the noise of my house... ahh how i wish i could just move away on my own. So then i got up to get away from this madness so i took the keys to my car and drove around i didnt care if i would of been stoped by a cop who cares, i shure dont anymore. Life now just seems like a hallway that keeps streching and i just cant find the end of it. Becaues no matter how hard i try it dousent really matter. Its funny how you can just somtimes think every thing is ok and then you get another slap in the face. I just wish i could turn back the hands of time, so i could live in that moment, the only time ive actualy been happy in my lil pathetic life. its lasted a good 3 weeks even though i was sick and physicaly i could of not enjoyed stuff like how i do now. Im used to feeling sick but im not used to emotinal pain. My body would be all messed up and just being in that moment with that person made me so so happy i didnt feel anything i felt happyness when i should of felt physical pain. but i didnt i was happy now im just a mess inside. I RATHER BE PHYSICLY MESSED UP THAN BE HEALTHY AND SUFFERING OF THE HEART

LIL MAN X

ANOTHER DAY.....

As this day has past yet another day of my life is gone. a day i could do something a day i should of stood up and sed somthing. Something would of happend, I dont know what. It could of been bad or it could of been good. I just dont know and i will never know too. I dont know why i didnt say anything. Its because i love that person and i cant see them hurt in any way or matter. I know im just fooling my self for now but maybe if i keep it up somthing will open my eyes soon......

LIL MAN X

Not a bad day but not the best

Today was sort of a good day. Even though im still in love with her no matter how much i try to fight that feeling its hard to do. I dont know if i will ever be the same. Sometimes im just happy being around her but most of the time i rather just be with her in an romantic way. The days pass and i hope every day i wake up i will just not think about her but i just cant. I hope to open my eyes and say i no longer love ------ but the truth is i do.

LIL MAN X