Write what I think with no one to read

Ok I know I write in code and I do write a lot but this time around will be free write... I am not going to hide or will not give names to hide people's names or w/e it’s straight up writing what is on my mind so let’s see how this goes... Well all I have to say is I am happy to be alive and I can say I am happy with my life at the moment... I came real close to death recently and I came close to heaven lately at the same time.... Story goes like this... Feb 14th valentine's day I asked out a very special girl to be my valentine but I also asked her to be my girl friend... it took a lot of guts to do both but it took the most out of me to ask her to be my girl... I am always doubtful about basically anything I do that has to do with my love life because I haven't had the best luck I guess you could say... I fear rejection the most but I fear to be alone most of all... I think most people share my fear but I think I talk about it the most but more in code.... Well so that day I asked Christina to come to my house for lunch after her classes and do the romantic v-day thing... Well in all honestly I hate that day, mostly because I never have any one or I am alone or w/e the reason is I hate it... this year since she agreed to be my valentine I was happy, well I was more than happy I should say but I will leave it at that.... A confession I do have to say is I have hidden from some people out of respect for Christina and others and not to make waves, is we have kissed and been affectionate with each other... I don't have a problem being open about it but she is more worried about people finding out and I’m not essentially worried because I know who will find out and they will support us or I’m not sure what will happen but I do know as long as I am happy I have my true friends support behind me and behind us... I feel she is soo right and I feel we will be happy together. The people, who know me well, know I go out of my way and do w/e possible to make her happy. I honestly don’t know her for too long but, I can say I do have a connection with her like I’ve never had with anyone... I can read her and feel her, I can just look at her and tell what she is thinking and I think she can do the same for me.... I know I sound like it’s been forever or we are moving fast but I don’t know... I would be lying if I did not admit this fact... I do admit I did give her a scare and the rest of the people who care about me and love me... I came real close to death on Thursday the 14th because I bleed out of my lungs... Ok the story goes like this, Thursday after lunch and lollipop; I had an event at cielo night club for lollipop fund raiser... After the bake sale I started dancing real hard and as I usually do and I coughed up blood... first it was small but then it started gushing out in a real good amount... Thank god for my friends at lollipop and Yendi and Marcina and the rest of the crew who was with me when this event happened... They acted quick and saved my life, otherwise I would have drowned in my own blood... Basically what happened was a vain formed a pocket of collected blood until the vain popped and I started to bleed out.. I got to mercy hospital and the team here saved my life... I am fine now and I have to take it easy for a little while but I have my Family and my girl Christina by my side to support me... I love her and I feel bad because I knew I was going to end up in the hospital eventually but I didn’t know it was going to be one of the worst hospital stays of my life... I do admit she took it like a champ and I am shocked how strong she is, anyone else I’m sure would of flipped out or who knows but this just proves to me she can deal with the real medical issues that is a part of my life... It comes with me and although I try to ignore it or I try to make it as easy on the people in my life, it is a part of my life... I know I will never hurt her, and would take any steps to make life as easy as possible and happy for the both of us... I hope she feels the same for me as I do for her... Also I told her I was sorry for giving her the scare I gave her but she told me not to say I was sorry because I had no control over the situation but you know how I am... I think I am superman and I can control the world... But I do know I am rocky and I don’t know when to quit and I am a fighter!! I don’t know how to stay down!