ZzzzZzzz time

**step, step, step** well so another day at work and yeah im soo sleepy... * yawn * and well... yeah good night... *falls over.... Snoore*** ZzzzZZzzzzzZZZzzzz

Lilman x

Times of guard Joe; The Weekend is over

Well the weekend is over, and Gaurd Joe has servied the mad crazy spys attempting to see the forbidden place have been chased away or arrested... Nothing good happened today during Joe's patrol along the heavily guarded fence, the only thing I had to worry about was a local native who got too close to the fence because they needed a hiding spott.( A stupid mother letting her kid pee in the bushes) Besides that nothing else happened. At least for the rest of the week guard Joe has a lot less worries because the threat of spys are fewer due to the mandatory law of the land that they must be in training until the weekend is over or Friday night... As I was going into the underground office sixteen feet below, I ran into Agent "I" who offered me some coffee and was much useful because I was very tired. Ah yes all in the life of a Gaurd, making sure the world is safe from the spys and no bad is done wrong... 2marrow is a new day, Gaurd Joe has a top secret class to attend so he can learn how to kill with the art of bukara and morals, they call the class ethics, Joe has learned a lot but nothing that he didn't know also... After this Top secret Class is done, he must go back to his little shack in the middle of the Salt flats and change into his chameleon camo and get ready for the hard shift at work and keeping the world safe...

LILMAN X

Freezing Times of guard Joe, "The Fair" ( I am Always their)

Well so its Sat night and once more the brave guard Joe under cover aka me aka Alex, once more stood outside in the bare freezing subzero winter cold; and watched the electrofyed fence line, to make sure no trespassers jumped to see the top secret stealth plane... The fate of the government and the world's peace rest on this guard, no one must see anything behind the fence... Yeah right I wish... So its cold as hell and I had to stay outside all fucking day to make sure the Ghetto white kids didn't jump the fence so they would not skip out on paying 7 bucks to get into the fair for free... How stupid... I feel as IM just sitting there for no reason... Oh yeah IM getting paid... So w/e I don't care but I am still cold and tired so I think I will write more 2marrow... Night

LILMAN X

No Time, No Life, Nothing but my crazy life...

Well its been a little over a week since I started working at The Fair, and I am soooo tired and sleepy and pissed off... I haven't had time to do anything besides go to school, go to work at 4 and then when I get off at 11 I have to come home and work on w/e homework I have then sleep then it all starts all over once more... I just keep telling myself, "its money, your going to make money".... So basically that's what has kept me going... Besides the fair and school I haven't done much else, oh well except for Wed that I was at the mourge (Goth club) but only because its a friend of mines birthday and I made it there after work only to stay a few hrs... I miss all my friends I haven't seen anyone, I haven't gone out, This shit sucks... I mean WTF I sit in a booth all fucking day to have some reject jump the damm fence to have the police catch them if not some times I run after them... Oh yeah and the perks are at 10pm when the ticket office closes and people still are coming from the parking lot, I have to tell them; Sir or miss the Fair is closed no more tickets are being sold, IM sorry... Then they bitch at me like its my fucking fault they were doing god knows what in the car and that's why it took them so long to walk to the Main gates... I mean WTF I have no control over the computers, they shut down at 10 and that's that... I wish I could say sorry we are closed, then when they tell me something I say... Look if you were too fucking lazy or horny to get your ass here on time then your fucked and its your own god damm fault bitch... Oh and the English some people speak, well let me not make any discriminative remarks but shit, some people need to be slapped, smacked, shot or w/e because they do not know how to speak properly... Some people need to cover up the nasty shit hanging and some people need to know WTF kind of hair style is that with something that looks like it could kill, spikes and shit... I say gather all the indecent people and ship them all to an island to all kill each other off... I think the worst day at the fair was yesterday so far because it rained, and I got caught in it... So I was wet, cold, and miserable because not even the public was there... Almost no one was at the fair yesterday because of the rain. I wish my boss would of let me go home because it sucked to be outside cold and wet... Shit I should call in today and say I don't feel well and IM sick but w/e I need the money... Well who knows when I will write once more, its no life for me, just work, school, sleep and then do it all over again...

LILMAN X

The fair... Be there, STUPID JOB & Current events...

Well since the last time I wrote, its been a busy time for me I guess you could say.... I started my job working at the fair as a security bitch I guess you could say... Ok if you have ever been to the fair when you are facing the front entrance you look to the left and their is a long fence that goes towards FIU and then it curves to 107th. Well there are 6 Guard towers that say police on them... I am one of the losers I guess you could say sitting in them making sure people are not jumping the fence and trying to get in for free... Well the stupid part is I don't have a radio, or even a way to call if something happends, I have to use my cell phone in case of an emergency... W/e oh and its even worse than that... I get to see all the retarded, low life, weirdo, ultra ghetto, scum of this earth... I mean some of the people I see their I wouldn't imagine were in this world... For example, I had to report to the Real police booth today, this man who had 3 snakes... Yes, 3 real snakes, he had 3 boa snakes hanging from his neck and arms... So I had to run and tell some one before they bite some one or he gets hurt with his own pets or w/E... This guy was just hanging around with 3 snakes letting people touch them and take pictures with them I mean I could not believe this... Good greef... But wait it gets better... Most of you that know me, know I hate to love to see jail bait right... Well, here is the situation... I am in a booth 7 Ft off the ground looking around and down towards the crowd that comming into the fair... Well if you have ever seen jail bait, they have on 99% of the damm time little to barely any cloths... For example: some kind of low and, I mean extremely low cut top with thier perfect perkie, 34C or 36DD tits hanging out almost, and I can't do a damm thing about it... Its horrible... And, hey girls IM sorry, but if you are showing it... Than you know a guy is going to look... IM sorry I cant help it... I mean I am a guy, if your going to have your tits almost popping out, you think IM going to turn away and not look at you or even turn around... hellz no I am a guy, I cannot help it... I hate the jail bait... Then later they are making a big deal about oh why you looking and bla bla bla... COVER UP DAMMIT!!! Your too young to be showing that anyways... WTF I don't get it... So besides that IM extremely board with nothing to do... Well so its Friday/Sat morning and I wanted to go out because I haven't gone out to have fun because of events that have happened soo I end up leaving work around 11 and when I get to the place where Fred is at and Marcina and everyone else, Fred tells me he has to leave so w/e ok my home-boy left, I can hang with Marcina... Well that's shot to shit because I get there and they leave not one HR after I get there because the stupid bar closed and they didn't want to keep partying... I cant catch a brake... Oh and also I had to go over after I left the bar at 1:30 to comfort a friend because she had problems with her man or ex-man, IM not sure of... What a week I have had... This sucks.. IM going to bed because I have a full day tomorrow...

LILMAX

The hardest day...

Well today was the hardest day I have had in along time... My Good friend Lazara Alvarez Who passed on Thursday was buried today. I would say it hit me around some time after I left the viewing last night when we all, friends and family attended the viewing... My heart goes out to her mother who I know had such a good connection and relationship with her and all of her siblings... Its still unclear what happened that day to her that caused her to pass on and I wish she could of been saved some how but we all have our time. I've cried today the most because I really relies that I will never get to hear her voice or see her face or even have her sister tell me about something funny she did that we dumb of her. Every one that knew her always will remember the one unique smile she had. She was such a free spirited person and always had her own mind and opinion about everything. I know she would be mad at me for getting sad that she is gone, and she always wanted everyone to be happy. Its not easy putting up a front and trying not to show that you hurt inside because your sad about there death. She always told me she never wanted to make anyone sad, pissed off she didn't care but she would never want to make anyone sad... I just hope I can help out her sister and her mom in this hard time... Its better to remember the good times and funny times you had with them rather to think that they are gone... She always was smiling and I knew what stupid things to say to make her smile even more, that's the one impression she will always be remeberd by me...

alex


Poem for lala:

I did my best to not cry
and I kept my head up high...
I tried to keep your sister happy
by having her make fun of me...
I cheered the gang up as best as I could
by telling them how we used to hang in my hood...
I miss you dearly with all my heart
why did you have to depart...
I wish you could of stayed longer
like forever or at least until older...
I will always remember your smile
even when you were pissed at me for a wile...
I wish we could of had one more adventure
At the gothic club or some crazy adventures
I will always remember your advice
To think about things I say to girls twice
Always to be nice and sweet to them
even if they kick my butt or shin
I hope you will help me out
and be an angle, my little look out..

I Can't think, I don't know what to think

Its not easy to know that something is real until you see it in person... When you have some one pass away you just don't conceive its true until you see the family members or actually have a funeral. Maybe that's why we do this tragic gathering, it might also be for support for each other. I don't know what to think anymore about death, maybe its a cruel joke we play on our selfs... We fool each other into thinking we are gone and never will be anymore... Possibly its only this plane of reality we see the physical body go away but we continue to live on some were else... We all talk, think, speak, feel, breath, cry, smile, and do all kinds of physical things until our day of death. Maybe the body is just a device we use to express our spirit until it expires. What is next, What comes after this deceive we use, Do we live on? Why are we so fragile that we can damage this device and then we cant use it, Why haven't we found a way for us to use it longer... Possibly protect it, or transfer into another device so we can keep going and never die... I guess I am just rambling, and also questioning my faith, to be honest, I don't know what to think... Maybe we are all just dreaming, when you die, your really just awakening from a long dream... Life as we all know it could be just a dream, or maybe death is a dream.... I hope to keep on dreaming for a long time if this is true. I sure don't want to awake early, I rather just sleep in... Today all day I just thought of how this is not supposed to happen to people that you know, people that you care about should always be by your side, not just in your heart, but always there...

Alex

It cant be real, Worst news received in a long time...

Its about 5 am almost and I cant sleep at all.. Basically all night I have been up trying to get my mind off of some of the worst news I have found out in the longest time since my grandmother died... A close friend of mine has passed on and IM in shock. I was left speechless and still to now at this moment about almost 8 hrs later I still cant conceive this tragic event has occurred. I haven't been able to sleep, all I can do is think about this person, the best and most free spirit person I have known for a long time is gone... Yet it hasn't "hit" me I guess you could say, I know it happened and I know its real but the concept and reality of this event has not come to my "real" part of my life, maybe its the shock but eventually it will come to Parr... Its crazy how one moment you think the world is all in order and all of a sudden it comes to the fact that we are just alive until the body is no more and that "soul" or personality is gone and will never be no more... The biggest shock would be you never think its going to happen to you, people turn on the T.V. and watch the news or read the paper about something tragic that happened to some one you don't know until it hits home, its like a slap in the face when your trying to wake up from a dream. The dream only lasts so long until you wake up to the real world and events that occur to everyone but you never think its going to happen to you or some one you know. Life is just a Candle In The Wind as Elton John wrote...

Alex,

R.I.P. lala ( I love you and miss you)

Elton John - Candle In The Wind

Goodbye Norma Jean
Though I never knew you at all
You had the grace to hold yourself
While those around you crawled
They crawled out of the woodwork
And they whispered into your brain
They set you on the treadmill
And they made you change your name

And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a candle in the wind
Never knowing who to cling to
When the rain set in
And I would have liked to have known you
But I was just a kid
Your candle burned out long before
Your legend ever did

Loneliness was tough
The toughest role you ever played
Hollywood created a superstar
And pain was the price you paid
Even when you died
Oh the press still hounded you
All the papers had to say
Was that Marilyn was found in the nude

Goodbye Norma Jean
From the young man in the 22nd row
Who sees you as something as more than sexual
More than just our Marilyn Monroe

Splitting my self thin

Well its was a good weekend and I did a lot of productive things... One thing I did was it was one of my boys birthday so we all were hanging out at the bowling place.. Doncarters, its an awesome place too bad its ganna go soon... Its been sold and an office building is going to be in its place soon but oh well like all my youth hang out slowly going away making room for some crap office... I have a feeling lately I've been splitting my self thin and doing way too much... Once more I think IM trying to please too many people and IM starting to get to the point once more IM not going to give a damm... I hate being split up into different events and trying to do every thing because yeah I enjoy it but it get way too tiering and I cant stand it... Like today I feel soo tired and its only 11pm... Usually I not ready to go to bed but today IM just soo sleepy and mentally tired I think IM going to just sleep all day tomorrow... I wish I could but I do have school and stuff I have to do so w/e... I have a long day ahead of me, School (the class that I hate F.Y.I.) Hair appointment to get it nice and short, Visit some one in the hospital, Fill in for some one at lollipop and I have a paper due next Monday that I have to do lots or research on... Good greef it never stops... Good night

LILMAN X


EVANESCENCE - MY IMMORTAL (PIANO VERSION) LYRICS

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
I would give the very breath from my chest
To give you all the things
That my mind couldn't bear

And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Because your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

Chorus:
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have, all of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
But now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face, it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all of the sanity in me

Chorus:
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have, all of me

I'd love to walk away
And pull myself out of the rain
But I cant leave without you
I'd love to live without
The constant fear and endless doubt
But I can't live without you

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When youd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have, all of me