Dizzy up the girl...

Ever heard of the song Sympathy by The Goo Goo Dolls? Let's look at the lyrics...

Stranger than your sympathy
This is my apology
I'm killing myself from the inside out
And all my fears have pushed you out

I wish for things that I don't need
All I wanted
And what I chase won't set me free
All I wanted
And I get scared but I'm not crawling on my knees

Oh yeah everything's all wrong yeah
Everything's all wrong yeah
Where the hell did I think I was?

Stranger than your sympathy
I take these things so I don't feel
I'm killing myself from the inside out
Now my head's been filled with doubt

It's hard to lead the life you choose
All I wanted
When all your luck's run out on you
All I wanted
You can't see when all your dreams are coming true

Oh yeah it's easy to forget yeah
You choke on the regrets yeah
Who the hell did I think I was

Stranger than your sympathy
All these thoughts you stole from me
I'm not sure where I belong
Nowhere's home and I'm all wrong

And I wasn't all the things
I tried to make believe I was
And I wouldn't be the one to kneel
Before the dreams I wanted
And all the talk and all the lies
Were all the empty things disguised as me
Yeah stranger than your sympathy stranger than your sympathy.

Well i was writing a apology to some one i had no clue i offended and they will remain anonymous and this song is perfect for them. A little bit of this song and the song Black Balloon by the same artist would be a perfect mix of both lyrics to describe this relationship we uniquely have... Its funny because i am rough and blunt and rather upfront. Also at the same time deep inside, and not many know i kind of think a lot day to day of my actions and people who i hang around with and who i choose as my friends. I might seem as i don't but the truth is i do. Also a lot of things i say and do is not what i think about deep inside. Its more of a defense i have gotten accustom to or have grown, so people cannot bust into my fortress and take me down. I have learned, "show your true self and let the wolves in for the feeding". So i must be smacked by my true friends time to time and told what were you thinking or reality smacked i guess. I don't know anymore honestly. Its like the lyrics say, my head has been filled with doubt but I'm filling my life with things i don't need. Well i hope this person gets the point of this part of the blog.

Well besides my apology, this past weekend was good, and then again it was also rather a mind filling situation. Let me try to explain this further. So i had a blast, danced, drank like a champ to the point i was not sober at all, had girls all over me at the bar. Met random people who's numbers i look at now in my phone and think i will never call them. Had a bartender offer to take me back to her house. Had the most wildest time in a long time, but i don't feel accomplished. I don't know why. I mean yea any guy would be like, Shit yea it was insane, but not me. It used to bring a lasting smile to my face way back when, but now its like "oh it was fun". I don't know to blame this on age, maturity, woman in my life, my self, or other things i don't know of... It makes me dizzy thinking about all this stuff... Good god i would just like to feel satisfied and contempt with things already... Why must things be so complicated. Stupid asexual cell's they have it too easy! We have it the worst!

catch up time...

so no bullshit it was a long ass time ago i wrote a blog... Yes i know i have not kept this up but since, facebook came around and I've been busy with life and other bullshit i could not write. Also i was offending people writing shit down, mind you i didn't give any names or anything but still people knew who i was talking about and other bullshit... w/e fuck them i say... So i was going to the gym and still am... Just not as intense and as often, it was 5 days a week hard core down to 2 or 3 days a week i go now... Too much stress and bullshit at the moment for me to do everything at once... So yea it was a long and i do mean long summer.... It felt as if it would never end for me... Both good and bad... I would say i hated some of it and loved most of it... So yea w/e... Now i find my self in the stock market and doing that and hanging out and trying to make since of life at the moment. I am like at a point of i don't know if its denial or confusion or just out in a rather viscous loop... I am not sure.. I know i am in one stuck point in my life... Epic fail as some people would say. I need to do something about this crap and fast... So sick of just not moving... I don't know what, who, or how i got this way but change must happen fast!

Should i be like Eminem? I just don't give a F

Well right now its officially June... But i woke up nice an early on the last day of May at 5ish... i told people i woke up at 8 or 9 so they won't think I'm nuts getting up at 5 A.M. on a sat morning but i did... I had a good long time to think about stuff before i had to go back to my room and close the door so my dad would think i was still asleep and he would not bug me... I got up and had a seat out side on my porch and looked East and watched the sun rise in the distance... I like sun rise's Btw because it lets me think... Think of new idea's, new goles in my life... New things to come... A sunrise is like a brand new beginning... So i gave a real long good thought... Should i be like Eminem... Yea you are reading this right... Slim shady, Eminem, Marshal Mathers, W/e the fuck you wanna call him... Why him... Well because he dose not give a flying fuck about no one or anything... See this comes from thinking a lot... Why is my life so much in a shit hole right now? Why has all that was so perfect and getting on track gone all to hell? Why did (Some one who's name i will Leave Out but i should say) drop off the face of the earth like they died or didn't exist or was a figment of my imagination? Why the fuck can't i ever move 3 steps forward and stay in that spot and not get Smacked, Kicked, Hit, Stupid Slapped, Abused or W/e the fuck back to only one step ahead? Well that's only because, I Give A Fuck... But guess what... I was thinking i should not... I should not give a Fuck about anyone or anything... Be cold as ice or perma-frost... Be heart-less like love-less... Any of the above... People have always been able to walk all over me... Take advantage of my kindness... Take me for a fucking fool... Use me for what i can give... Trick me into thinking things... Make me think "oh they are here for me, so i should be there for them too"... Well fuck you! I Am so sick of being a fool... I am fucking sick and fucking tired of bullshit non-sence people who dont give 3 flying fuck-son-of-a-bitch-cunt-licking-asshole-dick-liking-twat-of-a-dirty-slut-monkey-shit-bitches-ho's... That is what i think... You know what... I need a real good reason to change my fucking mind at this point to not freeze my heart and don't give a fuck like eminem and go back to actually giving a flying fuck about anyone... If being a asshole is the only fucking way i can get ahead and stay in that spot then i got to do, what i got to do... Fuck the rest... I am sick of the push around.... I am sick of feeling like shit and taking it personal, i am sick of making my self feel bad and wasting my brain power thinking over shit when Alzheimer's is going to eat my brain anyways.. i should use my pleasures of my brain for something else than my worries and stupid thoughts about fuck-son-of-a-bitch-cunt-licking-asshole-dick-liking-twat-of-a-dirty-slut-monkey-shit-bitches-ho's.... Give me a reason not to change a remain how i am.. if not... i am giving this 110% thought and i just might change forever and no return back!!!

LILMAN X

Lost of knowing what i did

Well the month of May so far is like a Whirlpool that sucked me into a unknown world... April was no better because i just don't know anymore what is going on in my life i guess you could say... the damnedest thing is that i was so happy with everything too before like mid April i would say... everything was the best it has ever been in my life. The year started off wonderful and perfect, then i had some drama and issues with my health and a lot of other bad shit happened but i haven't complained at all because i always talk about all the shit and bla bla bla but i never did. why because i was happy. i had it all i guess you could say. i had a girl who loved me ( i think ) and was by my side and just about supported me in every aspect. my friends were fine and i didn't have to go rescue anyone or any other bullshit or drama which every one knows always is an issue in my life but even that had no problem in my life... now... I feel as i am lost, or are in another world or just in an odd place. it all was fine and from one week to the next... poof i guess you could say all the shit blew up in my face and changed. its all changed for the bad. so i don't know if its something i did, or it just something that was building up to change on me or i don't even know what to think anymore... W/e I just feel lost... Pissed off and sad and upset and emotional and angry and something i just cant describe all into one emotion... i have no words. i have no thoughts. The worst part about loosing your mind in the matter of a way is.... I CAN'T DO SHIT ABOUT IT!!!... AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

LILMAN X

God please...

Look i know i dont pray, i know i dont go to cherch or any of that, but god please. I don't want to loose her, i love her with all my heart, i lover her soo much i cant stand the idea with out her being in my life as my love my girl friend, some one that with me thought thick and thin. i dont want any one to have the same connection i have with her. she gives me hope, she gives me faith, she gives me a reason for doing better. everyone who knows me say she is the best thing that has happend in my life and alot of people know the hardships i have had. a lot of people know what things have happend. i cant loose her. it crushes me to think that. god please i would do anything too keep her by my side. back off, go out and do anything. i need her in my life. i dont want to be selfish but i love her. i met her for a reason. i know she is in my life for a good change. i have never met a girl like her in my life before. i had one good influence who did love me and we would of healed each other but i was stupid and i blame my self for not giving her a second chance, then you took her away from me. please don't take this one away. please god dont do this to me once more. she is not spoiled to the world she is still pure and can better my misrible life. i know i feel it deep in my sole when i am down, i pick my self up for her. i want to be stronger, i want to be healthy and she gives me a reason for fighting this big fight in my life. god, i do love her. dont take her away. i need more than a friend in my life, i have lots of them i thank you for giving me, but i know she is more than just a friend. i know i have my doubts, i know i have ideas of what might be happening behind my back or stupid things i think of, but they are just stupid ideas i manafest in my mind,only because you have done to me in the past. i know i have to forgive and forget. i know the past is gone but i would like to now trust and give hope. im stupid for thinking thoughts. god please dont take her away. i know i am not a strong man, i know my weakness is love, i know the only weakness i have is love. but why attack it.. have i done wrong.. god please... please god dont take her away, dont take her away ang give her to some one else who wont appreciate her love, her kindness, her beauty, her brain, her morals, her compation, her will. toss me another illness but dont take her away... pleas god please...

How and why

I don’t get it sometimes, how I can get something so good sometimes and I don’t deserve it at all… Christina is the most wonderful person I have even been with, I can’t explain why I love her so much, but I will try. First off, I don’t know how she can be so nice sometimes, I mean I know people are nice but she cares so much about people. Also about people she loves… I hope she truly loves me as much as she says… In my past I haven’t had much luck with love or girls who care about me in the same way she loves and cares about me. The odd part is I’ve known her since about late December and it’s now March 6, 2008. I only have known her for three months total… We are dating and happy, at least I am and I hope she is too. I have only felt this way about someone else, and that person is gone from my life. Love is not something you can just walk into CVS or Wal-Mart and just buy… Not even people that are married and have lived together for years find love. It’s a hard thing to find, not only because it’s rare. People don’t know what love is. Yes there is a definition for it but what good are words if you can’t describe feelings. When you feel something it’s just undescribable and can’t be duplicated or imitated. That’s why you will never be able to find a machine that can feel love. Love comes from the soul and only can be felt within. Christina is so smart and she is so beautiful. How do I get so lucky to have a person like that in my life? Not everyone can find that. She’s also so understanding too, I mean I am complicated. Not only because of my medical conditions, but also I have some minor other issues I know most people won’t put up with. I mean I don’t know many people that will sit by your side while you’re sick in the hospital and being a pain in the ass… I know eventually if she was going to end up my girlfriend she would have to deal with it somehow or sometime. I just never thought it would be when I was my sickest and my worst I have ever been. She had the patience to sit by me, while no one knew how it was going to turn out. I mean it was serious, I bled out of my lungs and it was a main vessel. She told me after all this happened she knew I was going to be ok and I am strong and I was going to make it… I myself was not too sure. I honestly at one point when I was in the E.R. thought I was going to die. I told my mom and dad I love them and to tell my friends I love them too. I also thought to myself, well for once in your life you are happy and content and at least you can die in peace. I didn’t want to though, I wanted to live, so I could be with the people I care for, and I also thought about her too. I thought I just met her and I have so much strong feelings for her I want to keep feeling this way for the rest of my life and I want to live to see it happen. I thought all about this in the few minutes before they put me under and took me to surgery. I didn’t know at the time what was going to happen or if I was going to wake up at all or wake up all messed up. I may not be a religious person, but I do thank god I found her and that fate has brought us together. I will do whatever I have to in my life to keep her by my side. I will do anything because I don’t want things to change ever. If any change were to happen, it would be the good change like our love for each other grows stronger to the point that we are happy. Sometimes I remember as a kid I would see old couples together holding hands and just looking at each other in delight. That’s how I would like it to be, that few small amount of happy people in the world who grow old together and are just happy and content. I don’t know what the future may hold but, I do hope the bad parts of my life are over. The bad relationships. The bad people who crossed me. The bad people who used me. The bad things that happened because I was so stupid to go along with it and I thought it would all work out in the end. The people who stressed me to the point I would get sick. I had no reason in the past to truly look forward to anything except for a career one day. A lot of good a career will do besides money and luxury. You can’t buy love. That saying is so true because you can just about get anything besides love. I love Christina and I can’t stop thinking about her sometimes. This is why I had to write this blog. Not only to get it out of my system, but to let the world or whomever reads this how I feel. No one can harm me while I am happy, not only am I superman but I am now on overdrive. No one can harm me or her! Wow I wrote a lot… Well I am currently in the car driving to Orlando so I thought I would write my mind out, now its megacon time and anime time….

LILMAN X >_<

Christina and I and the world should know... Part 1

Well i guess the news is out... and if you didn't know, i am off the market and i hope for good... That's right girls, i have a girlfriend and i no longer am single... I have a girl in my life for once that loves me for me, i don't have to impress her, or do any crazy stuff... She just enjoys me and who i am... no matter what... Its kind of funny because since i met her, I've always thought she was cute and looked good and was smart... So i figured, although i knew she didn't want a B/F at the time, and didn't want anything at the time... i kept and kept trying my hardest until i chipped away i guess you could say, at the hard brick wall she put up... I know others tyred and could not get by that wall... But as most of you know me i keep trying as long as i don't get a get lost or straight rejection in my face... I am hard to convince to give up and when i know it is something good and its a once in a life opportunity i will not pass it up and try until i succeed... I am so happy with her, I mean wow if you think about it... It is super hard to first find someone who has a brain, and a real smart person with a good smarts... Also some one who has real good looks and is a hottie... Then if you find both rare quality's then you add good parents who a similar to your up bringing and morals that both have been shown since little... Then if the 3 match up its even more rare to find some one who understands you so much, no matter may it be health problems, or problems with what ever may happen, she stays by your side... Then the only arguments are about stupid stuff like if you take care of your self or about school and spending too much time with each other and not focusing on other things that need attending... Well i will get into a bit more detail... about how things happened and stuff but for now just want to let the world know i am off the market and i love Christina sooo much....

LILMAN X :-)

P.S. If you look under this blog, i wrote one on the 21 i never published until i wrote this one...

Write what I think with no one to read

Ok I know I write in code and I do write a lot but this time around will be free write... I am not going to hide or will not give names to hide people's names or w/e it’s straight up writing what is on my mind so let’s see how this goes... Well all I have to say is I am happy to be alive and I can say I am happy with my life at the moment... I came real close to death recently and I came close to heaven lately at the same time.... Story goes like this... Feb 14th valentine's day I asked out a very special girl to be my valentine but I also asked her to be my girl friend... it took a lot of guts to do both but it took the most out of me to ask her to be my girl... I am always doubtful about basically anything I do that has to do with my love life because I haven't had the best luck I guess you could say... I fear rejection the most but I fear to be alone most of all... I think most people share my fear but I think I talk about it the most but more in code.... Well so that day I asked Christina to come to my house for lunch after her classes and do the romantic v-day thing... Well in all honestly I hate that day, mostly because I never have any one or I am alone or w/e the reason is I hate it... this year since she agreed to be my valentine I was happy, well I was more than happy I should say but I will leave it at that.... A confession I do have to say is I have hidden from some people out of respect for Christina and others and not to make waves, is we have kissed and been affectionate with each other... I don't have a problem being open about it but she is more worried about people finding out and I’m not essentially worried because I know who will find out and they will support us or I’m not sure what will happen but I do know as long as I am happy I have my true friends support behind me and behind us... I feel she is soo right and I feel we will be happy together. The people, who know me well, know I go out of my way and do w/e possible to make her happy. I honestly don’t know her for too long but, I can say I do have a connection with her like I’ve never had with anyone... I can read her and feel her, I can just look at her and tell what she is thinking and I think she can do the same for me.... I know I sound like it’s been forever or we are moving fast but I don’t know... I would be lying if I did not admit this fact... I do admit I did give her a scare and the rest of the people who care about me and love me... I came real close to death on Thursday the 14th because I bleed out of my lungs... Ok the story goes like this, Thursday after lunch and lollipop; I had an event at cielo night club for lollipop fund raiser... After the bake sale I started dancing real hard and as I usually do and I coughed up blood... first it was small but then it started gushing out in a real good amount... Thank god for my friends at lollipop and Yendi and Marcina and the rest of the crew who was with me when this event happened... They acted quick and saved my life, otherwise I would have drowned in my own blood... Basically what happened was a vain formed a pocket of collected blood until the vain popped and I started to bleed out.. I got to mercy hospital and the team here saved my life... I am fine now and I have to take it easy for a little while but I have my Family and my girl Christina by my side to support me... I love her and I feel bad because I knew I was going to end up in the hospital eventually but I didn’t know it was going to be one of the worst hospital stays of my life... I do admit she took it like a champ and I am shocked how strong she is, anyone else I’m sure would of flipped out or who knows but this just proves to me she can deal with the real medical issues that is a part of my life... It comes with me and although I try to ignore it or I try to make it as easy on the people in my life, it is a part of my life... I know I will never hurt her, and would take any steps to make life as easy as possible and happy for the both of us... I hope she feels the same for me as I do for her... Also I told her I was sorry for giving her the scare I gave her but she told me not to say I was sorry because I had no control over the situation but you know how I am... I think I am superman and I can control the world... But I do know I am rocky and I don’t know when to quit and I am a fighter!! I don’t know how to stay down!

I love my honda... I love my, Sunshine time...

Ok i know i might get into a little bit of trouble because of this but screw it... I love my car, why, because its reliable and its fast and gives me a thrill only one other thing can but w/e its different... So today was a real good day, unexpected things happened today but i was super happy about it... So yea i got to see... Lets call her "sunshine"... So me and sunshine spent some time today, ok i admit it might not be something big to you all but for me its more than words can describe... I didn't think i was going to see sunshine today due to i was sick yesterday or to put it correctly Tue because i have some kind of throat infection or something like that... So i was told i had to stay home and rest so it gets better real fast and it goes away... Fine no problem, well for me it is... i don't know why but when i see sunshine she just makes my day, and when i spend time with sunshine i feel like i could fly, and just do about anything... i am super happy if you can't tell by now... So after i had my time with sunshine today and got some love i guess you can say... HEY, I told you keep that mind out of the gutter!! Jackasses! Its nothing like that... But i did get loving after all, i got to hang out with Anna... So me and Anna wanted to go to walmart with Luis and Jessica and pinky... So we all drove to walmart and later on drove to playthings to say hi to my friends and some cool people i know there and then after we chilled at 7-11 for a while... Then after all that i was kinda tired and was driving down 8th and i was planning on taking Anna home.. Well when i look over to the other side of the road i see... Street Racers... Wow i was like in aww looking at all the Honda's and Srt4 and Silvia's and yea i could just keep going on and on about all the sexy car's... Well after i thought about it, more like 1.3 sec.. i yanked on the E-brake slowed down and turned around to join them... Now i was getting back to my roots as a street racer... I didn't want to park in a parking lot i know cop's might rade and ticket you for w/e... So i cased the joint out first, aka drive up and down 8th for a bit to see if i see cops or DT's or w/e and then i know its safe to go to the hangout... So yea as i always know the cop's did a rade and wow everyone bounced out of that joint like a bat out of hell... So i was like yea, going to another hang out.. so i will follow them and see were they meet and maybe talk to a few of them and see whats up... So yea i got the old Street Racer back in my blood flowing.. I didn't race because i had Anna in the car with me and i never put my passenger in any danger ever... So i just chilled and talked car stuff and yea kinda re-live the old day's... Wow, 2 rushes in one day, oh and i feel way better than i did yesterday... now i just cant sleep because of... yea a lot of factors but w/e... I know I'm not going to radio lollipop today and i got nothing to do so w/e I'm ganna see what this day gives me... Maybe nothing or who knows... im going to play some wii maybe to calm down or put me to sleep with some transformer's movie or something... WOOT good day.!!

LILMAN X

A Taste of.. and more?

Have you ever given any thought to if you could have a taste of something, you wanted soo bad that you would give anything in the world for? What would you do once you had a taste of this something? Would you be happy? Would you want more? Would you quiver and be shocked? I Had a similar situation happen to me... Lets say for example.. i wanted an item, or thing.. So once i got this thing i wanted another one, and one more and one more... Is this bad? Addictive? Or is it something i would like to keep getting? All depends on the kind of person you are, see with me its like i could have some, but i can wait for some more, but it will drive you crazy before you get anymore, and that is if there is any more left or will be more later on... You all must be like wtf is he talking about.. Well some of you know but the rest must be loopy.. or thinking other things, get your damm head out of the gutter, jack asses! Well all i have to say is, first i am super happy at the time.. i don't mind where i am at and i don't mind how things are going.. this is only a reference for my self and one other... I hope hearts can open up and i can further go on... i want it to so bad so i just can be happy and feel safe i guess... complicated as hell the situation i am in but so is life... you know you like someone when you start to miss them out of the blue and you think about them time to time... Love takes time and is something that has to be grown such as a seed that grows into a plant into a flower some day... i think a lot but i also don't write down or say a lot of things that go on in my mind, maybe because of my fear or i just rather keep it to my self... i am not sure of that but what i am sure of, one day i will be happy... at least i hope i will be... maybe i can share it with some one at that point... i know people say i look a lot for what i want but i say it finds me when i don't look and i sure can say i have... randomly i found something for a reason i do not know why, i have had a taste of something and i want more... only time will tell what will happen, but for now i am happy..

LILMAN X

OMG my head is going to explode... she spins me round...

Well its been forever since i have written and alot of stuff has happend... where in the hell do i start... well i will start by i have been out of the hospital and i am doing awsome... i have had a good winter i guess you can put it... started by hanging out with one of my homies that i havent seen in the logest time... D-man, he is doing real good in hawaii in the navy as a medic and helping people and stuff... it was awsome seeing him because its been forever since i have hanged with him because of him going off to war and then comming back to the real world i guess you could say... he was here in the summer and i didnt get a chance to hang with him due to the fact i was in the hospital and lost in space i guess you could say... well last time i wrote it was a complicated time in my life and right now i guess you could say things are simple and good but also complicated at the same time... lets put it like this... i like someone, i am about 95% this person feels the same way for me also but is afraid to do anything about her feelings and emotions are confusing both of us at the same time... I feel like i am spinning all the time because all i just want to do is feel secure that she likes me and its just going to be chill i guess you could say and we can trust each other and just care about each other and not worrie about the rest of the retarded world... my problem as most of you know i have issues with security and knowing where i stand and i hate the fact i am never sure about my situations... I just want to tell her that i feel soo much for her, in ways i cant express my self with her and also in things i want to do with her... for the dirty minds that read this get your mind out of the gutter, assholes... i just want to basically spend time and hold each other... cuddling or just being in the same room with her is the best thing i can experience... I just would like to hold her in my arms and also tell her what i think about her... I don't give a crap who knows or what they think... i say screw the world and what i think is what goes... so here goes my thoghts... I think she is amazing, first off, i have never met some one so dedicated to her studies, second (most of the time people are all about the books and screw the rest of things in life) she is also athletic and thinks health wise about alot of stuff... I actually need some one in my life right now to show me how to do things right and how i should also take care of myself, more like set an example that i can follow but also push me tooo... third she is also beautiful; something about her that i just amazes me and i find something diffrent every time i see her... no matter what she wears or what she is doing i always think its new and exciting... i dont know if its because i just met her or i haven't know her for a long time but i like this idea of something new every time i hang out with her... fourth her attitude towards life is different from most people that i have met, her outlook is similar if not the same as mines is... now i am older than her and she is younger than me but extremly mature about it and thats what is shocking and puts me into a gasp when i think about it... the chemistry between us is something that i truly can feel and also i am afraid of... the connection is super strong and intense but at the same time is relaxed... she is way diffrent from i guess the typical girl i like and also her response to me is different from what i am used to but all this "NEW" stuff is getting me all dizzy and drives me crazy at the same time... i am enjoying it and also i fear if any of this is for real? i mean some times i swear its like a dream and it cant be true, or maybe its some cruel trick i am being picked out of a crowd and tricked on... im not sure how it is going to go from here but here is what i think... first i would hope the following is going to happen... we are further going to continue what we discussed and just let it be and go with the flow... i hope to be happy with her because my demands are few and im sure her's are too... i am also pleasing in any way i can be, i know school is a big issue with her and i will keep my distance because i dont want to get in her way... I think i am getting into this maybe a little fast and i might need to slow down, i hope if i am she can tell me "hey slow down" and i will... i do things sometimes a little too crazy and i know my speed might be too fast and jumping into things to fast but its just me... when i feel a connection for some one i just get into it, i think from my point of view im at the point of no return where for example i can simply forget about her and my feelings for her but i can't... like i said before im in too deep and to the point of no return... i know its kind of crazy but thats just the way my mind works.. cant help it sorry... Well if i get hurt, i rather it be me than her ever getting hurt because that would be the last thing i would ever want to do to her... i would never hurt her, i cant, i dont know how to hurt anyone actually... sometimes i wish i could be an asshole because assholes get all the good girls and nice guys finish last... i think i always finish last because i am a nice guy but from what my friends tell me i dont finish last... w/e i disagree but who knows... maybe this is my chance of finding a nice girl and a true fairy tale will come true... i just wish some how she could stop being so confused about the situation and just trust me... i know its hard and she is scared to get screwd over but you learn nothing in life with out taking a risk... Anything in life is a risk the way i see it... you go to work, you take a risk to get fired, you go to school, you take a risk of learning something that might not be such a hot career in the future, you take a drive to a friends house... Simple right? well you might get in a acident getting there... everything in life is a risk... You take a risk to learn something from it or to experience something new... I say face life, take a risk and enjoy the good and look past the bad... Well its super late and i have to correct this long blogg as much as i can so good night...

LILMAN X