Well its been forever since i have written and alot of stuff has happend... where in the hell do i start... well i will start by i have been out of the hospital and i am doing awsome... i have had a good winter i guess you can put it... started by hanging out with one of my homies that i havent seen in the logest time... D-man, he is doing real good in hawaii in the navy as a medic and helping people and stuff... it was awsome seeing him because its been forever since i have hanged with him because of him going off to war and then comming back to the real world i guess you could say... he was here in the summer and i didnt get a chance to hang with him due to the fact i was in the hospital and lost in space i guess you could say... well last time i wrote it was a complicated time in my life and right now i guess you could say things are simple and good but also complicated at the same time... lets put it like this... i like someone, i am about 95% this person feels the same way for me also but is afraid to do anything about her feelings and emotions are confusing both of us at the same time... I feel like i am spinning all the time because all i just want to do is feel secure that she likes me and its just going to be chill i guess you could say and we can trust each other and just care about each other and not worrie about the rest of the retarded world... my problem as most of you know i have issues with security and knowing where i stand and i hate the fact i am never sure about my situations... I just want to tell her that i feel soo much for her, in ways i cant express my self with her and also in things i want to do with her... for the dirty minds that read this get your mind out of the gutter, assholes... i just want to basically spend time and hold each other... cuddling or just being in the same room with her is the best thing i can experience... I just would like to hold her in my arms and also tell her what i think about her... I don't give a crap who knows or what they think... i say screw the world and what i think is what goes... so here goes my thoghts... I think she is amazing, first off, i have never met some one so dedicated to her studies, second (most of the time people are all about the books and screw the rest of things in life) she is also athletic and thinks health wise about alot of stuff... I actually need some one in my life right now to show me how to do things right and how i should also take care of myself, more like set an example that i can follow but also push me tooo... third she is also beautiful; something about her that i just amazes me and i find something diffrent every time i see her... no matter what she wears or what she is doing i always think its new and exciting... i dont know if its because i just met her or i haven't know her for a long time but i like this idea of something new every time i hang out with her... fourth her attitude towards life is different from most people that i have met, her outlook is similar if not the same as mines is... now i am older than her and she is younger than me but extremly mature about it and thats what is shocking and puts me into a gasp when i think about it... the chemistry between us is something that i truly can feel and also i am afraid of... the connection is super strong and intense but at the same time is relaxed... she is way diffrent from i guess the typical girl i like and also her response to me is different from what i am used to but all this "NEW" stuff is getting me all dizzy and drives me crazy at the same time... i am enjoying it and also i fear if any of this is for real? i mean some times i swear its like a dream and it cant be true, or maybe its some cruel trick i am being picked out of a crowd and tricked on... im not sure how it is going to go from here but here is what i think... first i would hope the following is going to happen... we are further going to continue what we discussed and just let it be and go with the flow... i hope to be happy with her because my demands are few and im sure her's are too... i am also pleasing in any way i can be, i know school is a big issue with her and i will keep my distance because i dont want to get in her way... I think i am getting into this maybe a little fast and i might need to slow down, i hope if i am she can tell me "hey slow down" and i will... i do things sometimes a little too crazy and i know my speed might be too fast and jumping into things to fast but its just me... when i feel a connection for some one i just get into it, i think from my point of view im at the point of no return where for example i can simply forget about her and my feelings for her but i can't... like i said before im in too deep and to the point of no return... i know its kind of crazy but thats just the way my mind works.. cant help it sorry... Well if i get hurt, i rather it be me than her ever getting hurt because that would be the last thing i would ever want to do to her... i would never hurt her, i cant, i dont know how to hurt anyone actually... sometimes i wish i could be an asshole because assholes get all the good girls and nice guys finish last... i think i always finish last because i am a nice guy but from what my friends tell me i dont finish last... w/e i disagree but who knows... maybe this is my chance of finding a nice girl and a true fairy tale will come true... i just wish some how she could stop being so confused about the situation and just trust me... i know its hard and she is scared to get screwd over but you learn nothing in life with out taking a risk... Anything in life is a risk the way i see it... you go to work, you take a risk to get fired, you go to school, you take a risk of learning something that might not be such a hot career in the future, you take a drive to a friends house... Simple right? well you might get in a acident getting there... everything in life is a risk... You take a risk to learn something from it or to experience something new... I say face life, take a risk and enjoy the good and look past the bad... Well its super late and i have to correct this long blogg as much as i can so good night...
LILMAN X
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