Figure my self out, why?

Why today has been a odd day for me... I fell OK, not my 100% best but w/e when am i ever 100% heath, that's just crap i try to bring up not to actually see what i am trying to figure my self out... Do i do this because i love to i guess hate my self? Or do i do this to drive my self crazy? I just don't understand the way i think sometimes and the worst part its me figuring out me... So what an uphill battle this is... I know what i want but i rather just think of other things to forget what i should do, say and speak my mind... Holding up all this crap inside myself and i just want to let it all out! But if i do what will happen? Who will i lose forever? Will i hurt people or will i care if i actually say what i am thinking? I just don't know what to do or what turn i should make... Its like this dream i had a few nights ago just before i got out of the hospital, Should i keep driving the same direction and just let w/e comes at me let it be or should i just turn off this road that leads to nowhere... i feel like this weight on my back that's heavy and i just keep dragging along and i don't know how much i could take of this... I would like to just stand up, say what i feel like telling people and then the end with it, but i can't. Why because i am way too nice and easy going, yeah sure need help no problem... I always try to make peace with people and let what happened pass and forgive but when should i stop doing this? Should i ever or should i just do it and screw what happens... My mind is like in a spin just thinking about all the stuff i want to get out in the open... Last time this happened i just wrote letters and then read them back to myself and then burned them not to show to the people they were meant to go out to... Screw it, i guess some things change but i can't i just cant be an asshole or a dick and be like fuck you here is what i think and take it or leave it... Ive done that way too much in the past and for that i have lost a lot of people... I just don't know anymore... Just going to bed and screw it...

LILMAN X >_<